Tuesday, April 20, 2004

The Light 

So today was a good news day. Yay! First of all, and most importantly, we received word that we will be able to get financial assistance for our light bill. Thank goodness! We will continue to have lights! i cannot begin to express my relief. And, as if this good news wasn't enough, there was a big meeting in J's department at work this morning. The department head told them that they would either start to get 40 hours a week or be laid off. Either way, we will have a lot more money coming in. There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel, and i cannot say how excited i am. i know it is way too soon to think about it, but i am dreaming of a few new summer outfits. i don't have a single pair of cool pants, i only have jeans. Brad has all of his summer clothes thanks to my wonderful friend Tracy, who gave me everything i needed. Thank goodness for friends with children only a bit bigger than yours! i would love to get J a couple new pairs of shorts too, as that he has worn almost all of his old ones out. Something for a month or so in the future, but very pleasant to fantasize about, now that it is a possibility. Things are most definitely looking up, and i am one relieved and grateful girl.

angel sighed at 4/20/2004 06:18:00 PM

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Monday, April 19, 2004

When i get mad... 

Brad went back to school this morning! YAY, i have survived spring break. Whoo Hooo! J has been grouchy this weekend, which has resulted in my ass being beaten an inordinate number of times. It got to the point, that when he decided to whip me with the belt this morning because i had annoyed him yet again, i got mad. It didn't do me much good, i still got my ass beat, but i was really livid, even to the point of refusing to roll over and expose my bottom. A few strokes on the front of my thighs showed me the folly of this tactic and i reluctantly rolled over. i was so angry and determined to be stoic, but he wasn't having any. He took the belt firmly in hand and beat my ass harder and harder past tears and on into begging, pleading, screaming and finally submission. Afterwards i lay on the bed, rather limp and wilted, exhausted and sore, and my temper returned. It wasn't fair for him to be so damn unreasonable all the time. When i told him this, he laughed at me, and asked me since when did i get the dumb idea that life was going to be fair around here? This made me thermo-nuclear pissed again, and i rolled over with my back to him, and more or less held my breath, thinking dire thoughts about him. He wasn't having any of that either. He got out the vibrator and made me cum about ten times, then fucked me, making me cum countless more times. Pausing every now and then to make me beg him to go on, to tell him that of course he was allowed to be unreasonable and that i would gladly let him be unfair. By the time he was done, i was a puddle of mush. i'm still digesting all of this, but the first conclusion i have come to is that i am being lead around by my pussy.

angel sighed at 4/19/2004 06:17:00 PM

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Friday, April 16, 2004

Ugh 

So, we made up. i am out of the dog house. Things should be better... but now i am sick. i'm not sure if its a stomach virus or what. Suffice to say, i feel like shit. Ergo, the super short entry here. We are okay, but i am sick, end update.

angel sighed at 4/16/2004 06:17:00 PM

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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

The Consequences of Being a Bitch 

i have slept off and on all day long. i'm not sure why, i have just been really really tired. i've also been a bit of a grouchy bitch, ergo my ass is absolutely killing me and i'm pretty sure i have a rather bad bruise forming there. J woke me up and i snapped at him this afternoon and he let that slide, but in looking back, it must have pissed him off. Then he asked me to find him something and i did it, but bitched mightily about it. He was very unimpressed with my attitude and decided that i needed it adjusted. He tied my hands together and tied them to the doorknob. Then he beat my ass extremely hard with the paddle. i was screaming and begging and sobbing within a few minutes to no avail. It hurt so bad and i struggled so hard that i broke the rope tying me in place. He did not seem deterred by this, merely pushing me onto the bed and throwing his leg over me to hold me down. It went on and on. It felt like forever. i screamed until my throat is sore and my voice hoarse and raspy. When he was done he held me close and cuddled me, and tried very hard to get me warm. Why do you think its always so cold after a severe beating? At any rate, order and peace have been restored to the household. My place around here is definitely reestablished and i am on a mission to be a better girl. My first goal will be to go to bed early tonight, like he wants, so that i can keep the kid tomorrow while he sleeps. That one is easy, because despite sleeping most of the day away, i am still tired. Thank god spring break is nearly over, the Brad goes back to school on Monday, and my sleep schedule can even out some. i have an extremely hard time sleeping when J is at work, and i like to sleep during the day with him. That isn't possible while Brad is out of school. Tomorrow is another day.

angel sighed at 4/14/2004 06:17:00 PM

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Monday, April 12, 2004

When Candle Light is Not Romantic... 

Okay, our financial situation has reached critical mass. We are going to have to get some form of assistance to keep our lights from being cut off. This is just out of control. i am scared all the time, and J has gotten completely depressed. His work is no better, still not working days and days at a time. He is officially job hunting. Fear and worry and powerlessness have come to live in our home, and they are unwelcome. J is a bit of a control freak and having this situation that he can do nothing about is making him desperately unhappy and that upsets me so bad. My piddly disability checks are not going to cover our expenses. The problems with him finding another job are endless. We live in an extremely rural area and there are not a lot of jobs around us. i am not well, and cannot manage the household without his guidance, and there is our son to consider. It all adds up to a very very bad situation, which almost seems hopeless. i am not only scared of our financial situation, but of the way J will deal with it. He has a tendency to retreat, to draw into himself. i need him so desperately and i cannot imagine how i will cope with all this without him. So far, i have been able to keep him talking to me, but i see the warning signs of his depression and they terrify me. i am so tired of struggling for money. i am so tired of J being stressed and worried and dreading the daily trip to the mailbox. i am tired of disconnection notices and fearing that when the phone rings it will be his work, saying not to come in again. i am tired of wondering what we do for the Brad's medicine or how i will pay for another trip to the doctor about my headaches. Why does it have to be so hard? He is a good man, a smart man, a hardworking man when he has work. Despite all of his good qualities, he cannot pull money from a hat or pick it off of a tree. And we need money, desperately. We need to pay our utilities, and his truck payment is coming due. We have struggled for so long now, it seems that there should be some end to this, but i don't see one in sight.

angel sighed at 4/12/2004 06:16:00 PM

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Sunday, April 11, 2004

The Bunny Don't Stop Here 

We didn't celebrate Easter this year. We just didn't have the money. This is the first time in 12 years that J didn't get me an Easter basket. We didn't even get one for the kids. Kami got one from the grandparents she lives with and Brad doesn't understand. Although we did spoil him chocolate pudding today, the only sweet he likes. This is the kind of thing that usually upsets me to no end, but i just feel numb to now. Why is that? i mean, its not that i want to be upset, lol, its just that i don't understand why i am not. Is this growth and maturity or the beginning of becoming jaded? i wasn't unhappy today. i played with Brad, fiddled with some online stuff, and basked in J's presence. He left for a bit and took the Brad to visit his mother (J's mother that is, i am Brad's mother tee hee) and i missed them both horribly, but not in a way that made me unhappy. Just that pleasant longing. The only sucky part of today was that i didn't get to see or talk to Kami. J decided to play with me and use me this evening after Brad went to bed. He had me get on the bed on all fours and proceeded to belt my back and ass. The strokes were very different than those of the paddle or the flogger. With those implements the pain usually begins rather light and builds into something heavy. Usually by the time we reach the heavy stage, i am ready for it and more. The belt did not work that way. It began rather heavy, relented and let me begin to enjoy, then moved back into an intensity that makes me just want to beg. i suppose the biggest difference was that i see the sessions with paddle as flogger as a whole, a process. With the belt each stroke feels like an event. Bah, i am rambling here, in short, i'm not sure if i like it, but it did make me dripping wet. After the beating, which seemed to go on a long time, he let me suck his cock a bit. i absolutely love to suck cock and was very happily bobbing up and down on him when he wrapped his hand in my hair and jerked me away. i looked up at him bewildered, still mesmerized by his dick, and he shoved me backwards and ordered me up on my knees. Then he jammed himself painfully into me, ahhh bliss. During the rough fuck that followed, leading to mostly unlubbed anal sex, i came countless times. So, all in all it was a very good day, but not at all like a holiday. And, i am okay with that.

angel sighed at 4/11/2004 06:16:00 PM

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Saturday, April 10, 2004

Rejection and Compulsion 

i rallied myself to ask J for a spanking today. This is something that i never do for several reasons. The biggest one is that i don't enjoy it as much if he isn't the one who initiates and controls the action. Secondary reasons include fear of rejection, worry that he will feel pressured, and the fear that he will do it in a halfhearted fashion. But, i managed to ask, and he said yes. Then he forgot about it. Now i feel terrible. i feel like i asked him to do something he didn't want to. i feel rejected. And, i'm frustrated because he didn't just tell me no. i feel like i just slipped his mind, and that upsets me. So i have been kinda withdrawn all evening and he is like what the hell is wrong with you. And, i just cannot bring myself to tell him. i am too ashamed. i have become obsessed with blogs lately. There are so many good ones, and i just keep finding more and more that i simply must read. The ones i have <------ in my links are my favorites, but soon i will have to add some more, because i find myself rushing online to find out what others have said as well. i think it has to do with being a voyeur. i like to watch. i like to see the intimate lives of others, to compare my own life to theirs and see if i can glean anything from their joy and sorrows that will make my own life make more sense. i have always been a voyeur, but this journal is my first attempt at exhibitionism... so bear with me folks, if i have a hard time. i find it hard to bare my soul here for anyone to flame with a nasty comment, and yet, i have a compulsion to do so. Why is that? What do i hope to gain by splashing my private thoughts here? Honestly? i have no idea. i guess i will just follow my compulsion and see where it leads me. Beware though, my dears, because it could lead you down a dark and twisty path, the one that i walk. Hmmm, maybe that is why? So that i don't have to walk that path alone? That is something for me to think about.

angel sighed at 4/10/2004 06:15:00 PM

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Friday, April 09, 2004

A Daddy for angel... 

Hmmm, it is interesting, the developments around here today. J is feeling better and we have had some pretty interesting conversations, which i am still digesting. We discussed what it is that i am looking for in D/s dynamic. i finally broke down and confessed that what i wanted, was a father figure, a Daddy if you will. This was extremely hard for me because anything that smacks of incest or child abuse squicks me in a big way. But, the truth is the truth, even if we aren't thrilled with ourselves about it, and i want a Daddy. J was not the least bit disgusted with me, as i had feared. Seems he understands that there is no connection between the gross stuff mentioned above and what it is that i want. Have i mentioned that i love this man? He wanted to hear about the ways in which i perceive this as being different from the M/s or D/s lifestyle we have lived for several years now. In practical terms, not a lot. i think the difference is simply the mind set. i want to feel loved, taken care of, secure. He has always made me feel those ways, but i suppose that the idea of a Daddy makes those things forefront in my mind. J drug the fantasy of a Daddy taking his belt off and lighting my ass afire out of me. i have been keeping this one back for all these years, because it seemed wrong and disgusting to me, he didn't seem to think so. He pulled out his belt and i was horrified. Its a very thick heavy leather that is woven. He has only used it on me a couple of times for a rather severe punishment, and i was terrified of it. He used it rather gently and belted my ass a bit, and to my surprise it was not horribly painful and i actually enjoyed it. i think i may have been a bit too judgmental of the belt in the past, and i'm looking forward to trying it again. My period thankfully receded again, and J decided to fuck me today. Unfortunately for me, he took me by surprise with it, and he wasn't feeling very generous. It was just a painful using fuck, with me squirming underneath him in pain. i didn't get into it and i didn't even begin to get any relief from my sexual frustration from it. i was simply his fuck toy. Although i do sincerely wish that i could cum... i love it when he uses me this way. It sounds sick, but i love just being a cunt to him for as long as it takes him to get off. It makes me feel low, used and dirty which is incredibly hot. i finally got some sleep today, so my mood is much better and i feel calmer and more centered. i felt much more patient with the Brad and less skittish around J. Both of them seem very happy with the banishment of my bitchiness. In short, i demanded a better day for today, and it worked... seems i'm not as bad at insisting on things as i thought, even if it is only from myself.

angel sighed at 4/09/2004 06:14:00 PM

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Thursday, April 08, 2004

On blowing stuff up 

J is still not feeling well. He took another days vacation tonight. That so totally sucks on so many levels. But, mainly it sucks that he is sick. He is grouchy and i always get skittish around him when he yells at me a lot, not because of him so much, but because of things when i was a kid. This in turn irritates the hell out him, and causes him to be even grumpier. Needless to say, it has not been a great day. So, he also lost our bankcard. This really really sucks, because its a cashpay card. When J gets paid the money is transferred directly onto that card and there is no other way to access it. So he called and cancelled the card and ordered a new one today and it won't be here until Wednesday. This means he got paid today and we can't access it until Wednesday. Shit. Then, the Brad got up this morning with some kind of shit on his cheek... he gets it every year. The doctors all disagree about what it is, but it looks like a giant blister and it itches him. So he aint real happy either. Shit, Shit. AND, my rag, which has been gone for two days came back! SHIT SHIT SHIT! Tomorrow will be better dammit, or i may have to blow something up! And, i am sexually frustrated, with no hope of that being alleviated anytime soon. So you see my dears, i must bitch to you or i will go insane... okay insaner, lol. Speaking of insane i have been having some really killer nightmares lately. So, i haven't been sleeping much. This could be contributing to the fact that i've felt like such a jerk for the last two days. So hopefully, i can sleep some soon.

angel sighed at 4/08/2004 06:14:00 PM

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Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Be Forewarned, i am Feeling Pissy 

J is sick. Man, i absolutely hate it when he is sick, i would about a thousand times rather be sick myself. He has diabetes and his sugar was 316 tonight, which for those of you who don't know, is terrible. He felt so bad he didn't go to work, called in and took a days vacation, which i know he hates. He is also depressed about our financial situation, which scares the hell out of me. He always takes care of things, and is confident that he can handle whatever fate tosses his way. He is cocky like that, and its one of the things i love about him. Seeing him worry makes me feel like the world is surely gonna end any minute, although i know in my heart that we will come through this. Hell, its been tight before. He did let me relieve some of his frustration earlier. He spanked my ass pretty good and let me give him a blowjob. Then let me jerk him off til he came. i was really glad he let me get him off, it felt like the only thing i could really do to help him. It frustrates me that i can do nothing to alleviate the symptoms of his illness. He always helps me with mine. Yeah, i know that mental illness is different from a physical one, and that i can't bitchsmack mother nature no matter how much she has earned it for giving J this rotten disease. I just want to be able to give him a taste of the relief he always gives me. i am still really struggling with living in the present and enjoying what i have now, instead of worrying about the future. Honestly, today was just a gloom and doom day all the way around. J is depressed, and okay already, i admit it, i'm extremely co-dependant, so my mood usually follows his. In kid news, the Brad's school is annoying the hell out of me again. *Big surprise there!* The kid has allergies. Its spring. His nose his snotty. This is a sucky fact of life. However, those jerk-offs keep sending him home from school, saying he is sick. Do they think i'm going to keep him home all damn spring? This drives me nuts. Bottom line, i need to find a cure for diabetes and hit the lottery (which will be tough since i don't even play.) Or, failing that, at least piss and moan here in my journal. That done, i'm off to try to spoil J in anyway he will let me.

angel sighed at 4/07/2004 06:13:00 PM

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Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Insecurity 

i am pretty put out with myself. Things have been going really well, except for our money woes, and i have still been feeling all panicky, shaky, and scared, all because i think it can't last. What the hell is wrong with me? i have been deeper in subspace the past couple of days, consistently, than i have been since my release a couple of years ago. J is keeping the intensity level beyond even what he did back then, and i am loving it. Not only our scenes are more intense, and more frequent, but also in day to day life, the M/s aspect of our lives is kept very in my face at all times. i love this, and i could be so happy, if i would just relax and enjoy it. i guess it all goes back to the earlier release, and the misery of the months that followed, when we tried to live a vanilla existence(hell a celibate existence.) i just don't think i could bear that again, not after having tasted such bliss. So i live in fear. i have to get over myself, i am sabotaging a good thing... but how?

angel sighed at 4/06/2004 06:12:00 PM

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Monday, April 05, 2004

The Bruise 

i have a pretty significant bruise from yesterday's super hot scene. J noticed it this morning, and i was a little worried that he would pull back from the intensity that would leave such a mark. i was pleasantly surprised when he said that would not be the case. Today was actually a pretty laid back day, with basically no playing, other than a few painful pinches and squeezes. No sex. i was a little sad, hoping for a follow up, but, it is not mine to decide. Maybe he will indulge me tomorrow. We are in a state of financial wow, due to the fact that J has been being laid off 3, 4, and even as much as 5 days a week lately. It is a lot of pressure on him, and I am scared. Today i had to scrape up change to get the Brad's prescription filled. i hate money, it is the biggest fly in the ointment that is my life. i checked in with both sister's today, and they are both okay. The Vanessa is still in pretty bad shape and the going is slow on finding out what is wrong with her since she doesn't have insurance and is dependant on the local free clinic for healthcare. i can only hope it is not too serious. Blah, i am feeling all panicky and scared and i think i know why, although it reflects a serious character flaw i have. J and i have been getting along really great lately, and i have been happy, despite our money fears. Now that he has gone back to work, i'm terrified that this will change and that he will put me on the back burner. i know this is a very pessimistic, and self serving outlook, and i'm not very happy with myself about it, but there it is.

angel sighed at 4/05/2004 09:39:00 PM

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Sunday, April 04, 2004

Being Stupid 

Sometimes i wonder at my own stupidity. We have a rule in place that I will always go to J if I feel like cutting, because I struggle with self-injury. But, I'm always so worried that he will be disappointed in me that I have a hard time following through with this rule. Yesterday was one of those days. I did not go to him, and I ended up cutting. He was so angry with me. He was not so much mad that I had cut, but mad that I didn't follow the rule and go to him so he could at least try to help me not to cut. When he explained to me how much it hurts him that I would rather risk hurting myself than to trust him to take care of me, it made me feel as though my heart would break. The punishment was absolutely nothing compared to the hurt and disappointment I caused him. Now there is this crappy distance between us, which I feel is mostly my fault because I'm so upset with myself. I have to get out of this funk, and back on track. I just don't know how to do it.

angel sighed at 4/04/2004 09:38:00 PM

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Too Great Not to Log 

Okay so I already did my journal for today, but damn, we just had the greatest scene, and I wanted to share. Oh okay, I just want to keep it fresh in my memory. We went to the movies. When we got home, J's mom still had the Brad, so he thought we would play. I wasn't expecting much because I have my rag, and J usually doesn't play much when its that time of the month. However, I got surprised. He started out by flogging my back with the black leather flogger which is always yummy, then moved the strokes down to my ass, which I have a harder time with. Then he pulled out the paddle, and had me screaming in seconds. I have this really bad habit of holding my hands over my ass to protect it when the paddle gets too intense, but he tied my hands together in front of me, which prevented that. LOL, I can remember screaming in pain on the bed, but at the same time feeling very grateful that at least I couldn't be bad and reach around and try to protect my butt. Once I was pretty much a mess, he left me on the bed and I heard him rattling around in the toy drawer. He came back towards the bed and I was trying to peek and see what he was doing. He commanded that I get my head back down and I did, straining my ears to hear what he was doing. It finally occurred to me that what I was hearing was him getting the huge butt plug out. I whimpered and squirmed a little but he just ignored me and squirted some lube on my ass and worked it in. Then he began the agonizing process of shoving that huge thing into my ass. I screamed but it was to no avail, he worked the whole thing up my ass, and then to make me really shriek, pulled it back out, and worked it up there again. By the time he was done, I was a quivering, begging mess. Then he spanked my ass some more, this time with only his bare hand, but I was much better able to handle it. Then he used the dark green candle to wax my back. Now, its been a while since we played with candle wax, and I don't believe we ever used a color that dark, and it really hurt. I was begging him to please hold the candle higher, and he was ignoring me, and I turned my head as far as I could and caught sight of his cock straining against his underwear. I can't really explain the effect this had on me. It was like seeing how much he was getting off on hurting me, made me want to hurt for him. The pain didn't lessen, but I did quit complaining about it, and try to dive in to it, let my cries and whimpers run through the room, because it no longer seemed bad, because it was making him hot. After what seemed like forever he pulled the plug out of my ass and made me get up on my knees. Then he fucked me in the ass doggy style, very obviously uncaring of how badly it hurt me, or if I got anything out of it or not. And, I didn't, it hurt too badly for me to cum, but I did get outrageously horny, and begged him to put the butt plug back up my ass when he was done with me. He did, and used it to get me off several times, until I was limp on the bed. Then he was generous with the aftercare and gentle with me till I was able to pull myself together a little bit. Damn that was hot, and fantastic, and I hope he plays at that intensity again very very soon.

angel sighed at 4/04/2004 09:38:00 PM

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Friday, April 02, 2004

Catch Up Time 

Okay, so i am bad. i haven't updated in almost a month. Sorry about that, i will try very hard not to let it happen again. So, now to catch you up. We have found our third. YAY! She is great, and i really really like her. We are still in the getting to know you stages, but she has been here several times and it is going well. She will be referred to from here on in as birdlady, because she loves exotic birds. Kami had her third birthday, and is such a sweetie. i so wish that she could live with us. i absolutely hate being mentally ill. But, between the difficulties of my illness, and the difficulties of the Brad's autism, J just can't handle having her here full time. We are going over there in the morning, and i can't wait. The Brad is doing great, in a very happy and sweet mood lately, and i love playing with him. He is doing great in school, and they aren't calling threatening to throw him out for a change, which is such a relief. i swear, i really thought with him going to a private school for autism they would be more understanding about his behaviors and stuff, but they drive me crazy. And, on the scene front. We hadn't played a lot lately by ourselves because of stuff constantly coming up, but had a pretty intense scene last night after the birdlady left. J spanked me with his hand pretty hard, until i was squirming on the bed, then he fucked my throat for a while. That is so hard for me, because i am claustrophobic. Then he fucked me, just a quick, painful, using fuck, that left me climb the walls horny. He followed that with an intense spanking using the cursed paddle until i was fully into subspace, and then made me cum at least a dozen times using his fingers in my pussy and ass. He would make me cum, then shove two unlubbed fingers into my ass until i was crying in pain, then make me cum like that. i was a puddle of mush by the time he was done. Then something happened that has never happened before. I had a rather severe case of sub-drop. I felt just awful, was crying and apologizing, without even knowing what i felt guilty for. It was a mess, but J held me, and soothed me and finally even got up with me for a while until i felt better. Today i had a lingering tendency to cry over nothing, and was a bit skittish of J, but, all in all, felt much better. i truly hope that NEVER happens again.

angel sighed at 4/02/2004 09:37:00 PM

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