Sunday, June 27, 2004

Goals 

Okay, so i talked with J about my battle with time and my complete lack of direction. i confessed how discouraged and confused i felt. i even admitted how bad my self esteem and body image are. In the end, i broke down and cried and told him how disgusting i feel that i am. J, for some reason i will never understand, but am eternally grateful for, loves me. He held me, and told me how much he loves me, and that he thinks i am beautiful and wonderful. That was wonderful and calmed me, but he went beyond that and sat down with me and helped me come up with some concrete goals to fix the things that i am unhappy with in my life. So here is our plan for a happier angel: 1) Do not go back to school or work this fall. Wait until the winter so that i have plenty of time to explore ALL of my options. He promised me his unflagging support of whatever i choose to do, but he thinks i need to be stronger emotionally and i need to give myself time to really decide what it is that i want to do. Not many people get a second chance like the one i am being given, and i should treat it with care. i will take evaluations and have meetings with advisors to determine the best course of action for me. 2) Work on my self-esteem issues. i am to research and find a way of getting to the size i want to be. Then discuss it with him. No unhealthy yo-yo dieting will be allowed, and i must commit to an exercise regimen. J will not be turning into the food police and he will not punish me for failing, but he promised me support when i need it and rewards for doing well. i am also to find a skin care regimen i can live with and resign myself to having my eyebrows waxed every two weeks. When Vanessa comes home tomorrow (she is staying in a hotel with Polly Pedicure) we are going to consult with her about what best to do with my hair. (She's a hair dresser, or was before she got sick) i have to find a way to make my appearance more appealing to ME. J says he thinks i am beautiful just as i am. i am so lucky. 3) i am going to try to be content with having Kami every weekend for now. It is not fair to her to drag her out of a home she is happy and content in when i am not at my best mentally and emotionally. Although it may not feel like it to me all the time, doing these things for myself, to make myself healthier and stronger, is working towards bringing Kami home. As i get better, i can do more for her. 4) i will call the gastro-interalogist on Monday and make an appointment for Brad. i will arrange to go to the school week after next and meet with his therapists and discuss what else i can be doing at home to help with his progress. 5) i will return to my routine with the housework, delegating some of the tasks to Vanessa while she is living here. i will take over weeding and watering the garden so that i can feel that i am producing something. 6) i will not let my extended family drive me apeshit. Okay, this was another post for me... i'll make another with the day to day, what's going on in my life kinda thing. In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions or helpful advice about any of these goals, i'd love to hear 'em!

angel sighed at 6/27/2004 08:34:00 PM

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Only with Rain can you get a Rainbow 

i spent most of today feeling sorry for myself. Polly Pedicure hurt my feelings again today, and i went into the bathroom and stared in the mirror for a long time. i was disgusted with what i saw. In many ways it seems to me that the last 5 years have passed as though in a dream. i feel like i am just waking up. i have so much to do, to be who i want to be. i do not see myself as this unattractive person i see staring back at me in the mirror. i still see myself as young and vital and pretty. i guess it took spending some time in the company of a course asshole who doesn't know that it is mean to hurt people's feelings to wake me up. i don't know if i am grateful to him or if i want to hit him, but i know i must make a change. There has been this icky space between J and i for some time now. Or at least i perceived things that way. If J jerked off, it was that he didn't want me. If he stayed in the garage working on his car it was that he didn't want to be with me. In short, i have been making myself miserable putting my shit off on him. Having to really face myself made me see that the person who was really disgusted here, was me. J made love to me tonight. It was bittersweet. He looked into my eyes as he pumped me long and slow and told me that he loved me, and i just wanted to cry. i wanted to apologize for how moody i have been of late. Instead i tried to give him very good sex (he says i did) and make him cum as hard as possible. Then we had our talk about how out of control my life has gotten. i did apologize, and he gave me his forgiveness, his support, and his love. i will not let him down. i will not let me down.

angel sighed at 6/27/2004 08:34:00 PM

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Saturday, June 26, 2004

Beware Postal Workers 

i figured since my last post didn't tell you folks a damn thing; i would make another, which is just an update on my life. lol, my three loyal readers might miss me. Today i finally got the house cleaned up. It has been hard to keep it done with Brad around and Vanessa here constantly. It looks better and it makes me feel better when it is nice. i also broke my glasses today. i currently have them rigged together with an orange bread tie. You should see me, i am a thing of beauty, lmao. This really sucks, because if J or Polly Pedicure can't fix them i'll just have to wear them like this for a little while cause we can't afford for me to get new ones for at least two weeks. Dammit! Brad's trifling respite care worker was late AGAIN today. That makes everyday this week. Then she said she would not be working next week. ARGH!!! i am about at the point of getting rid of her. i absolutely hate to be a bitch, but she doesn't work at least half of the days she is scheduled to, and then she is late. What good is having her if i can't depend on her? i am sick of this. J and i had a fight yesterday. We spent today making up, but things are still a bit strained. i hate when we aren't getting along, but some things are just too important not to stand up about. Usually when we fight, it is because i am wrong. But, i still believe i was right this time. Honestly it would be easier if i didn't. And, lastly, i NEED to get laid!!! i am putting Vanessa in a box with Brad and shipping them somewhere so i can get some!

angel sighed at 6/26/2004 08:34:00 PM

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Pre-Prioritize 

i remember, not so long ago, when time seemed to move like molasses left on the front porch during a snow storm. Now it flies by, leaving me gasping and exhausted and still unable to complete all the tasks i set for myself on any given day. What the hell is going on here? i think what it comes down to is a complete lack of priorities. i don't know what goals i want to work on first. i don't know what the most important things are. Hell, at this point i don't even have time to set down and figure it out! All i know for sure, is that my life is becoming a tangled mess and i absolutely have to straighten it out before i become ensnared and choke. So, let me see, what things am i working on at this point in my life? i like lists, i work better with lists, so i am making (you guessed it) a list. J Brad's progress and schooling Bringing Kami home Career Keeping the house clean and comfortable my extended family Okay, i think that is all of the super big things. Now, i guess i need to look at each one and decide where i am at with each and where i want to go. i am also not sure what order these go in. Its all such a damn jumbled mess in my head. For now, i am not going to try to order them, just figure out if there is anything i HAVE to do for them. J- This is in an okay spot. We could get along better, but it could be worse. J is always a priority and i should always strive for improvement. i can't think of any specific goals for this. Brad- Call gastro-interalogist, Make sure meds are filled, Call the school to discuss toileting and P.E.C.s progress. Kami- Talk with J about when we can get her this weekend since his work schedule is all screwed up. Call her and discuss plans with both her and J's step mom. Career- Decide if i am going back to work now or back to school. Call Rehab services. If going back to school, fill out an application for federal financial aid. Figure out the transportation issue. Keeping the house clean and comfortable- See if i can find faster ways to do the daily tasks because this eats up so much of my day i can't get anything else done. Extended family- Right now, i'll settle for not letting them drive me apeshit. i owe Franklin a bday present and Marcie's bday is next Thursday. Okay, i still feel totally overwhelmed, and i need to do a lot of work with this, but i have at least made a start. i know that this post has probably been totally boring for you folks, but when i started keeping this blog up daily i let my journal go. Sometimes i just need to journal. This post was for me. It happens sometimes.

angel sighed at 6/26/2004 08:33:00 PM

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Thursday, June 24, 2004

Aiyana's Quiz 

This is from Aiyana's Attic. Here ya go sweetie, here are my answers: What is your name? i aint telling my real name What would you rather be called? You can call me angel Have you ever cheated on anyone? my ex What attracts you the most to the opposite sex? Their shoulders What colour is your hair? Brown Do you wear panties or jocks? No What is your favourite food? Spaghetti. What flavour ice cream do you like the most? Rocky Road What is under your bed? The leaf out of my kitchen table. What is your favourite colour? Orange What music do you like? i like alternative rock, old country (Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline ect), stoner rock, classic rock... hell i like almost everything except disco and jazz Do you prefer on top or the bottom? Bottom Do you like soft or hard kisses? Both Have you ever lied? Yes Have you ever had sex in public? Yes Have you ever watched anyone have sex? Yes Did you like it? Yes, but I'd rather participate Do you keep secrets well? Yes What is the hardest secret you have had to hold? i just told ya i could keep a secret, silly! Do you like kinky sex? Of course i do Do you believe in god? i really don't think so Why did you do this quiz? Because Aiyana asked me to

angel sighed at 6/24/2004 08:33:00 PM

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i Get Knocked Down, But i Get Up Again 

Today has been one of those days. You know, the one were you should have just kept your ass in bed. i tried really hard to remain upbeat and happy, but i don't think i managed it very well. J yelled at me this morning over a misunderstanding and really hurt my feelings. Then Brad had a terrible temper tantrum. Brad's respite care worker was an hour and a half late coming to get him, making me late for my doctor's appointment. And then my mother in law pissed me off. Ugh. The day from hell. But, it is now blissfully over and i am looking forward to a new and brighter day tomorrow. i am teaching myself to be happy and optimistic and not let one bad day throw me into a downward spiral. i need to learn to be more positive and centered if i am going to move on with my life.

angel sighed at 6/24/2004 08:32:00 PM

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004

J's 100 Things 

So it occurred to me today, that you guys know virtually nothing about J. So i decided to make a list of 100 things about him. i tried to put things on this list that tell you all about him, not just the ways he is perfect, but the ways he is not, which makes him even better. 1) J is handy. He can figure out how to do most anything from auto body work to webpage design. 2) J is a LOUSY carpenter, but he tries hard. 3) J is into classic cars. He owns a Chevelle. 4) J's favorite author is Peter Robinson. 5) J has diabetes. 6) J is an only child. 7) J loves cum shots, it is his favorite kind of porn. (YUCK) 8) J loves Chinese food, and would eat it everyday. 9) J's favorite veggie is brussel sprouts. 10) J is an excellent cook. 11) J likes to hunt and fish, he is very much a country boy. 12) J likes alternative rock music, stuff like Nickleback and Staind 13) J is a big man, he is 6'2". 14) J's parents got divorced when he was 3, he doesn't remember them ever being married. 15) J has just planted his first ever garden, he is excited about it. 16) J has to have a movie on to eat, we always eat in front of the TV. 17) J doesn't like spaghetti unless i make it. 18) J is not afraid to cry at sad movies, he is secure in his manhood. 19) J has a beautiful mouth, soft and sensual. 20) J has only came to embrace his inner sadist within the past couple of years... Before that, he had a very hard time dealing with it. 21) J is 6 years older than me, which makes him 33. 22) J is the kind of guy who will take in my niece or my sister. 23) J tends to blow up and throw a fit when he gets angry, then get over it quickly. 24) J is a good father, and has always done his share with the parenting, from changing diapers to giving medicine. 25) J cannot swim and is afraid of water. 26) J is very forgetful, he cannot remember our daughter's birthday, where he took his hat off, or the date the water bill is due on. 27) J is willing to listen to other people's opinions and will sometimes even change his mind. 28) J's nipples are extremely ticklish and he cannot stand to have them touched. 29) J doesn't feel he has to be emotionally unavailable to be a Dominate. 30) J truly doesn't care what others think of him, he is truly only guided by his own sense of right and wrong. 31) J does not like controversy and will avoid it if he can. 32) J's favorite beer is Corona. 33) J works in a factory. 34) J is very reserved, it is hard to make friends with him. 35) J can admit when he is wrong, without feeling like a failure or letting it get him down or letting it make him feel less like the Master around here. 36) J cuts up his spaghetti with a knife, he refuses to twirl. 37) J has bad nosebleeds, and has since he was a child. 38) J's relationship with his father is very strained. 39) J usually has a goatee. 40) J wears glasses, and has for as long as i have known him. 41) J tried to peek when our daughter was delivered by caesarian and saw parts of me that he very much wishes he hadn't. 42) J drinks milk from the gallon. 43) J doesn't smoke, and never really did beyond trying it during adolescence. 44) J will hold me after a nightmare, no matter how little sleep he has had. 45) J has Spina Bifida Occulta, which basically means he ALMOST got Spina Bifida. 46) J has a bad knee. 47) J doesn't dance despite years of me begging him to try. 48) J can laugh at himself. 49) J is a thoughtful person who rarely makes snap judgments about anything. 50) J absolutely loves going to the movies. 51) J wears tighty whiteys or boxer briefs. He doesn't like his equipment moving around a lot. 52) J has only been to two real concerts in his life. 53) J loves computer games, especially Diablo II. 54) J was EXTREMELY upset when Motor City Online lost its servers. 55) J is prone to depression. 56) J has no tattoos. 57) J lusts to own a Harley. 58) J once hit a parked car head on. 59) J doesn't like crowds at all. 60) J is a cat person, although neither of us have any desire for pets since we have children. 61) J is a recovered hypochondriac, meaning he no longer has a problem, but oh boy he once did. 62) J is an excellent lover, he loves to give orgasms. 63) J doesn't trim his pubic hair, he aint gonna start, and he doesn't care if you don't like it. 64) J takes care of me when i am unable to take care of myself. 65) J has not bought me flowers in about 12 years. 66) J is man enough to let me comfort him. 67) J's favorite candy bar is a Milky Way Dark. 68) J has a subscription to Playboy. 69) J almost NEVER reads this journal. 70) J knows all the worst things i have ever done and he loves me anyway. 71) J is a terrible liar. 72) J is bad with money. 73) J is nice to my friends and family, even when he gets annoyed with them. 74) J rarely holds a grudge (unlike me) and he will forgive you if you make an effort. 75) J is a procrastinator. 76) J will watch Pump Up The Volume over and over and over. 77) J doesn't mind watching chick flicks. 78) J has an excellent relationship with his mom. 79) J's vehicle is a pick-up truck. 80) J has a photo album with nothing but pictures of cars in it. 81) J will take me to see a cartoon if i want to, and he indulges my Harry Potter addiction. 82) J is generous, he donates money anytime we have it. 83) J has a cruel streak, and he is finally starting to explore it. 84) J can't draw or sing either. 85) J is not afraid to admit when he is afraid. 86) J's favorite part of a woman is her tits. 87) J has never seen the ocean. 88) J likes to bite. 89) J is flexible, he can usually go with the flow. 90) J is adventurous when it comes to eating, he will try new things, and will make me try them too. 91) J's favorite drink is sweet tea. (Iced tea that is, this is the American South) 92) J is a Pisces. 93) J likes to buy stuff to decorate the house with. 94) J once wrecked a car in his driveway and it burned up. 95) J will have philosophical and political discussions with me, and listen to my tirades. 96) J cannot go to the grocery store without spending WAY too much money. 97) J holds in his sneezes and one of these days i fear he will give himself an aneurysm. 98) J has a good sense of humor. 99) J never leaves the toilet lid up. 100) J must have a bar of soap; he hates to use body wash.

angel sighed at 6/22/2004 08:32:00 PM

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Monday, June 21, 2004

Monday 

Well, the weekend is over. J has gone back to work, Brad has started summer school, and Polly Pedicure has surrendered his keys to the landlord, so Vanessa is here full time. i truly enjoyed the past two days of closeness and scening, and i am very sad to see it go. i don't know how i will even have sex much less get a good beating for the foreseeable future. Our house is very small, and its very hard to get any privacy. With Vanessa here all the time, i can pretty much hang it up. i am grieving it. Maybe J will think of something.

angel sighed at 6/21/2004 08:31:00 PM

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Sunday, June 20, 2004

Tears, Sweat, and Pained Gasping; a Father's Day Gift 

So, i wanted to buy J clothes for Father's day. He said he had something else in mind. Since i have been craving his touch, i was happy when he said he wanted to satisfy a "cruel sick fantasy" instead. i was frightened but happy. Turns out, by our standards, it wasn't really a "sick" fantasy, although it was rather cruel. He came and got me from the front porch, where i was reading a book. He had me come in the bedroom and he bound my wrists together before tying them over my head. We have recently moved our bedroom around and he had put the eyebolt in a new place. i don't think its going to work there. Anyway, he tied my wrists over my head and strapped the gag into my mouth. Then he tried to beat me with his belt. It didn't go so well, because he didn't have room to swing, the eyebolt is too close to the wall. Not wanting to move the eyebolt around at the moment, he pulled out the short flogger and attempted to use it on my back. He still didn't have enough room to swing and so he used it on my legs. It was horribly painful because the lashes wrapped every time. i have marks all over my legs, no shorts for me this week. Just as tears began to flow unchecked down my cheeks, he released me from the ceiling, although he left my wrists tied together. He guided me into the center of the bed on my knees. He began fucking my pussy, which was slippery from the beating, lucky for me. Before long at all, he pulled out and forced his cock into my ass, using only my own juices for lubrication. i screamed into the gag, and i remember feeling my eyes bulging with each ramming thrust. He used my ass as roughly as he has ever used my pussy, leaving me a hysterical mess. When he finally pumped his cum into me, i was sobbing, my face wet with tears and sweat. i didn't derive any pleasure from it for myself what so ever, but he seemed happy, and that made me happy. It is very hard to be his fucktoy sometimes, because i am very very horny now, and i know he will not play with me again tonight, probably not tomorrow either. my entire body is sore, if i have one it hurts. But, tonight, when he was holding me and stroking my hair and telling me that he loved me and would keep me always, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

angel sighed at 6/20/2004 08:31:00 PM

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Saturday, June 19, 2004

Letting Go 

So, i am still a bit shaky, but my feet are definitely on firmer ground. Last night Vanessa went to stay with Polly Pedicure and Bkid went to the drive-in with his respite care worker, finally giving J and i some blissful time to ourselves. We went to the cheap movies and saw The Day After Tomorrow, which was fantastic and i highly recommend it. Then we came home and looked at his garden. It is so adorable how proud he is of that garden. i love the pride he takes in it, and i truly hope it takes off and does well. i only hope that next year, he will let me work in the garden too. Then, we went into the bedroom. We lay in bed and cuddled, and i was crying a bit with relief and happiness. It felt so good to lay in his warm protective arms and know unequivocally that at least for a bit, i was safe and only had to worry about doing exactly what he said to do. i don't think he saw me crying, to took great pains to hide it, because he would have seen my tears as a problem, and i was so happy. When he began to run his fingers between my legs i stiffened, i wanted to please him, but i felt very shy suddenly. Fortunately, J rarely pays much attention to my bashfulness. He demanded that i part my legs, and when i refused to comply, he began to count down from 5. i immediately gave in and let my legs fall open, trembling a bit and blushing furiously. He stroked me until at last i began to moisten and then let me give him a blowjob. Have i mentioned here how much i absolutely love to suck cock? i have a hard time with having my throat fucked, but when he lets me do it, lets me service him i am in heaven. Way before i was ready to stop he buried his hand in the back of my hair and jerked me up, putting me on my knees. He entered me hard and fast, in the way he knows is most painful for me. It took several minutes for my body to adjust, and just as i began to get into it, the telephone rang. Since Brad wasn't at home, he decided to let me answer it, because i worry so much. It was a family member, and i spent about 5 minutes trying to disentangle myself from the conversation. J walked out of the bedroom and looked at me, cock trembling with need and glistening with the juices from my sex, and i gave up trying to be polite, and bluntly said, i have to go. When i hung up the phone, he commanded "suck." i dropped to my knees and crawled to him. Soon i had his cock buried deep in my throat, bobbing up and down on it, the scent of my own sex enveloping me. After only a few minutes he pulled away from me and told me to crawl into the bedroom. As i climbed on the bed, he smacked my ass. Then he was in me again. He used me in his three favorite positions, letting me have about 4 orgasms in the process. Finally, i was back on my knees and he was still, having me fuck him, instead. He dug his fingers painfully into my hips and i could hear his indrawn breath as he came in a gush. Afterwards, he lay on the bed and held me. Reassuring me that all was well, that i was safe, and that he would take care of me. i felt wonderful, and i finally began to relax the iron grip i have had on myself for the past week. i let myself draw comfort and strength from him, and told him about the frustration, exhaustion, and terror that had plagued me all week. It felt like i was laying down some unbearable burden.

angel sighed at 6/19/2004 08:30:00 PM

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Thursday, June 17, 2004

Please, Not Again 

So, this is not the time of day i usually post, because J hasn't even gotten home from work yet, and usually my day doesn't really start until that happens. But, then there are those days that start at 3 in the damn morning. So, i stayed up all night last night playing Literati with Aiyana. We finished up at about 3 and i said goodnight and signed off. i was just getting my pillows adjusted when the phone rang. i jumped up to get it before it could wake up J or Brad muttering to myself, "who in the fuck is calling here at this hour?" It was Vanessa's boyfriend. She had gone to spend the night with him as that they are going to work things out. He was in a panic Vanessa was having convulsions. i ran around like mad, getting dressed and getting J to arrange for his mom to come down and watch the Brad until i could get home since poor J leaves for work at 4:30. Polly Pedicure (the name i selected for Vanessa's boyfriend, ask me sometime and i'll tell ya why) roared up the street in front of my house approximately five minutes after we got off the phone. We drove to the hospital at breakneck speed only to find that Vanessa was still being unloaded from the ambulance. To make a long story short, they don't know why she had convulsions but gave her a bunch of meds and sent her home, saying that she needed to sleep. Usually she would have come home with me, but i have the Brad since he isn't in school this week and there was no way she could sleep all day here. So she went back to Polly Pedicure's place to sleep. i came home, fell into my bed in exhaustion and prepared to sleep for two hours or so. The damn phone rang an hour and a half later. Marcie was on the line wanting me to fix her massive fuck up. It seems that Vanessa's very very good friend (and one time lover)Patty had an aneurysm (that's spelled wrong, sorry) and died. Marcie, knowing that Vanessa was ill, having talked to Polly Pedicure and been told that Vanessa needed to sleep actually called her up and told her this. i could have fucking killed her. i didn't know what the hell to do. i called our cousin, who was very very close to my mother, lives close to Polly Pedicure, and happens to be an ordained minister and asked her to please go and comfort Vanessa. She did so. Vanessa is sleeping now, but i am still fuming. Marcie should have known better. This is really nothing new. The two of them always drive me crazy with doing shit like this to each other. They are only 3 years apart and still suffer from severe cases of sibling rivalry at 42 and 39. Jesus. i am not sure how much more of their shit i can take. i had a horrible thought this morning on our way to the hospital. Polly Pedicure was going about 110 miles per hour on a stretch of road where the speed limit is 55 and i don't feel comfortable going over 70 and the roads where wet and visibility was nil due to fog. The car got sideways and i thought very clearly, "We are going to die." And, to my horror (looking back on it now.) i very calmly thought, "Well, alright then." i have got to do something... Immediately. But, what?

angel sighed at 6/17/2004 08:30:00 PM

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Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Administrative Tasks 

i am going to be playing around with fixing some stuff up around here today. Making some administrative changes. i'll be done in a bit and then will make a real journal entry.

angel sighed at 6/16/2004 08:29:00 PM

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Things i can't stand 

Okay, shit on the administrative tasks, i'll have J look at it later and see if he can figure it out, cause i can't. i'm sure its something simple, but my mind isn't functioning properly today. i am not allowed safe words or limits. Before you start yelling at me, check out what Lisa says about safe words here. That sums up my feelings on the subject very well. Anyway, today, i sincerely wished for a safe word. What did me in was not any of J's evil implements but tickling of all things. i cannot fucking stand it! He tickled me unmercifully, until i was shrieking and pleading, then he tickled me some more. It was awful. i hate it. Why on earth would anyone find it erotic? Someone explain this to me please. Seriously, if anyone enjoys tickling, please tell me why and how they began to enjoy it, cause i could use some help. In other news, Vanessa is driving me totally freaking insane!!! i'm serious! Today she got on my nerves so bad i got to laughing and crying at the same time. It scared me really bad; because i haven't done that in a long time, and the last time i did i was in a very bad place, mentally. i don't know when she will be moving, it could be a long time, and i don't know how i'm going to stand it.

angel sighed at 6/16/2004 08:29:00 PM

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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Conflict of Interest 

So what do you think of my new digs? i love the way it turned out and i bow down to the creative goddess behind the makeover, Aiyana. Look over there ------> find her link, you should check it out, she is wonderful! i am dragging ass tired because i got roughly a half an hour's sleep last night. i had trouble falling asleep and then woke the entire house up screaming when i finally did. Since J has to get up at 3:30 anyway, i went ahead and got up. i know he needs his rest. Brad got up ridiculously early (4:30) and so, that was the end of any hope of sleep for me. i am still outrageously stressed. i don't know what's wrong with me. i am scared all the time. i feel like the whole world is about to fall to pieces around me. i have worked so hard to get better. It was a bitter struggle to make myself do things and not feel bad all the time. And, now, all my progress is fading away from me. i need help, i desperately need J. But, Vanessa is here. It really limits our ability for him to give me the control i need to feel secure enough to pull myself back together. Pray we find a solution.

angel sighed at 6/15/2004 08:29:00 PM

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Monday, June 14, 2004

At long last 

We finally had a scene. It helped things a little, or at least i think it did, i'm honestly just a bit numb right now. i am not angry or disappointed or upset for a change though. He used the vibe to make me cum, whipping my inner thighs while he did so. Once i came i very much did now want to play anymore, but he was having none of that. He clamped one nipple (that drives me nuts!) and whipped my inner thighs and stomach and chest. Then he fucked my throat, until i was gasping for air and crying. Once i was pretty well hysterical, he strapped the ball gag into my mouth and took the clamp off my nipple. Finally he began to fuck me, very hard and with no warm up, obviously trying to inflict as much pain as possible. For a while, i don't clearly remember anything, only that it was agony. When my body began to adjust, he would move me into a position i find more painful. Finally, he shoved his cock into my ass as i screamed into the gag until my throat is sore. After he came, he made me cum again with the vibrator and then beat me with the belt some more. The end result of all of this is that i feel shaky but much more centered. He is sleeping now, and i really hope he will come and help me take my bath soon. i missed J. i was mostly angry with him because i felt lonely and abandoned. i hope that he will remember that i'm around now, and even if he doesn't want to use me, at least be with me. i don't want to be alone anymore.

angel sighed at 6/14/2004 08:28:00 PM

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Sunday, June 13, 2004

If you can't say something nice 

J and i had another fight. i know, surprise surpise. But, what bothers me about these fights is that we don't make up. We have always had a somewhat volatile relationship, and have always fought, but we always made up quickly and passionately as well. Not these days. These days we go our separate ways after a fight and just don't talk to each other. i'm so tired of it. i am lonely, and i miss him. Blah. i am not whining about this anymore, i'm going to go and do some research on colleges instead. i'll blog more when i can find something good to say.

angel sighed at 6/13/2004 08:28:00 PM

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Saturday, June 12, 2004

Surprises, Good and Bad 

Okay, so i just put a stats tracker on here... and now i can find out how unloved i am, lmao. i honestly write here like i think no one is reading this. And the only three people that i thought did is Ayiana, D, and nicki. And, every once in a great while J or the birdlady will read. Then, today i found a link to this blog on someone else's blog. i was stunned. Who knew anyone ever read this? So i decided to get a tracker and see if people really come here very often. Last night was pretty yucky. J didn't come home from work. He went for a ride with a friend and drank a few Coronas. Which is fine, but I was a little bent out of shape that he didn't call and let me know he wasn't coming home. i was worried sick. i fussed at him a bit when he got home, but he pretty much ignored me. This is the closest to drunk that i've seen J in about 8 years. i have never seen him really drunk, just with a good buzz going. He was on the verge last night though. i laughed at him and had fun teasing until bedtime. Then he wanted to use me. i had such a hard time. It was completely dark and all i could smell was the beer on him. It brought back a lot of less than pleasant memories that have absolutely nothing to do with J and have no place in our bedroom. i was sobbing under him, and trying really hard to keep from resisting him. He can usually tell when i am in real distress and not just humiliated or in pain, but he had had a little too much too drink, and didn't notice anything was wrong this time. i did manage to get a handle on myself and endure it without complaint, but it was really hard. Next time i'll ask him to turn on a light or brush his teeth. Pain from J (any kind) is okay, pain from my past is not.

angel sighed at 6/12/2004 08:27:00 PM

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Friday, June 11, 2004

Tired 

Damn i'm tired. This day has drug on forever. And, i haven't gotten anything done. i did manage the hours drive to see Vanessa in the hospital, but that's about it. My house is a sty. J is going to kill me, but i'm just so fucking tired. i will get the beds made and the dishes done before he gets home, but that's probably all i will do. i can't help it. i truly hope he doesn't get mad, cause i haven't had a spanking in about a week and i really want one, but certainly not one for punishment. Sorry for the short entry but the Brad is demanding attention.

angel sighed at 6/11/2004 06:24:00 PM

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Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Just a quick update 

Okay, i have committed Vanessa to the funny farm. She has nearly driven me nuts. And, folks, i don't usually have far to go. She has tried to kill herself, and i have had to watch her constantly until i could get her checked in today. i was scared to death. i am so relieved she is in the hospital and safe. in other news, my fantabulous wonderful J cleaned the house today because he knew that i was running on fumes. i feel so spoiled and loved and grateful. and i can't wait to sit around tomorrow on my fat ass and recover from the past two days!

angel sighed at 6/09/2004 06:25:00 PM

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Sisterly Love 

Today was a long, terrible day. My sister's boyfriend called me at lunchtime and told me they had had a fight and to come get her. i went and when i got there, he was choking her to death. i honestly think if i had been 5 minutes later, she would have been dead. So, i took her to the police station, they sent her to the hospital. We sat there for hours and hours. Finally they said she was okay and let her come home. Then we went back to the police station and swore out warrants. Then the terrifying trip to her house to get her clothes. Now she is in the bathroom taking a bath. i have to take her to the mental health clinic first thing in the morning. And, i'm so tired. i love my sister, but i am very scared for her. i hope this turns out okay i couldn't stand it if something happened to Vanessa.

angel sighed at 6/09/2004 06:24:00 PM

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Monday, June 07, 2004

The Print Job From Hell 

OMG!!! i have had the most frustrating damn day. You will not believe this shit! Okay, so you guys know i am trying to return to work. i stayed up all night making a resume and a cover letter, getting them critiqued, and making revisions. At long last, this morning at about 9 am i felt i had the masterpieces that would land me a job. i went over to have my friend print it (15 minute drive) her boss was there and she couldn't do it. So i decide to go to the library and print it (another 15 minute drive) but i owe a fine that i didn't even know i had and i don't have the money to pay it, so i couldn't print there. So i call my sister and borrow some printer paper from her (another 30 minute drive) and came home and tried to print it and NOW my printer is screwed up! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, i'm going and see if i can fit my printer in the microwave.

angel sighed at 6/07/2004 06:22:00 PM

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Saturday, June 05, 2004

Changes 

So we went to see the third Harry Potter movie last night. It was pretty good, although they left some stuff out from the book, which will be essential in later movies, and i am wondering how they will handle that. i didn't enjoy the movie nearly as much as i could have, because J and i had a fight before we went. Again. Seems lately that we don't talk at all. And on the rare occasions that we do, we are fighting. i have withdrawn from him completely because this is the only way i know how to deal with his moodiness. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. i sleep in the Brad's bed and he sleeps with J. i am very lonely and sad, and i am grieving what we once had. Perhaps i am over-reacting to a situation that every relationship must endure, but it seems so heartbreaking and final to me. i have been somewhat hoping that he has been having an affair. That way, when it ends perhaps we can iron things out, but i don't believe he is. i think perhaps this is just the gradual death of what was once very very good. i don't think this necessarily means that we won't be together anymore. Only that we cannot be together in the same way. The incantation of our relationship that i was happy with and wanted to continue forever is over, and now we must either move into a new phase of the relationship or move away from each other all together. Although i have no intention of leaving, this has been the first time i have ever really considered doing so. i have made plans to be on my own in the past, but it was always because i was so terrified he would leave me. And, that still terrifies me. But, i did have thoughts of what life would be like on my own. i have been doing a lot of things to give myself my own life lately. Making preparations to go back to school, job hunting, developing schedules with the kids. Those things are good. They make me feel like i am able to pull through this, but i would rather have J.

angel sighed at 6/05/2004 06:21:00 PM

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Thursday, June 03, 2004

The Bumpy Path 

So, i am trying to reclaim my life by going back to work and to school. And, its a nightmare, already. i am baffled by what to put on my resume, terrified of sending it off, and staggered by the logistics of trying to find child care for the Brad. Then there is the minor fact that i don't have a car. Grrr. All in all, things are not off to the world's greatest start. At least in part because i don't know where to start. All i know for sure is that i want more out of life than what i have right now. i am so desperately unhappy, and its not fair to constantly look to J to fix my life. i have to fix it. Being J's beck and call girl and a mother is great, but it is not enough. i need more. i constantly feel that i did not live up to my potential and i am disappointed in myself. i am striving to correct this, but the path is absolutely fraught with obstacles. i need to try to make a plan, with concrete goals and objectives, but at this point i am pretty clueless. i feel like i am fumbling in the dark. Oh, how i miss my mother, she would have had plenty of helpful advice and been able to guide me through this. She drove me crazy when she was alive, but damn, i miss her so. In other news, get down on your knees and scream yee haw, i started my period today. i was really really scared. i cannot deal with another baby at this juncture in my life. i have my tubes tied, but, i have a friend who had two children after having hers tied, so when my period was three weeks late, i started to freak out a bit.

angel sighed at 6/03/2004 06:21:00 PM

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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

100 Things About me 

1) i have had ten miscarriages 2) i have two healthy children 3) i have two sister who are much older than me 4) Marcie is 14 years older 5) Vanessa is 11 years older 6) my mama died 4 1/2 years ago 7) i lived with my grand parents until i was 8 8) i have Dissociative identity Disorder 9) i won an award in accounting in high school 10) i graduated in the top 5 percent of my high school class 11) i left college because i had a nervous breakdown 12) i started dating J when i was 14 years old 13) i graduated from high school a year early 14) i cannot have a clitoral orgasm 15) i had a really sucky childhood 16) i draw disability because i am nuts 17) i once walked off and left my car when it broke down and never went and got it 18) i have sold my blood for money 19) i hated high school 20) my son has autism 21) i have high blood pressure 22) i lost 48 lbs when i was pregnant with my son 23) my favorite food is spaghetti 24) my favorite color is orange 25) i have given my last dollar to a homeless person 26) i will pick up hitch hikers if i don't have my kids in the car 27) i have hitch hiked all over the state 28) i own a 79 camero 29) i have never had a speeding ticket 30) i will eat venison 31) i will not eat liver 32) i hate to have my wrists touched 33) i have had a gun pointed at me 34) i am very clumsy 35) the first time i willingly has sex i was 12 36) i have 4 tattoos 37) my first car was a Buick Electra, it was huge 38) i wrecked it at least 10 times 39) i had my nipples pierced 40) J decided he didn't like them pierced 41) i let them grow up 42) i have been sexually intimate with 4 women 43) my greatest purely sexual fantasy is to be triple penetrated 44) in my freshman year of high school i got over a hundred pink slips 45) i could forge my mother's signature effortlessly 46) i once snuck out of school to attend a funeral 47) i got caught 48) i met J after i snuck out of my house 49) i very much hope that my children do not turn out like me 50) i left home at 17 51) i moved in with J at 18 52) i called off our first wedding 6 days prior to the day it was to take place 53) i was born on the 6th of January 54) i bought beer for myself and my grandfather before i ever started preschool 55) i went to work the day after i turned 16 56) my jaw has been broken 57) so has all of my fingers 58) and toes 59) and a couple of ribs 60) and my wrist 61) and my ankle 62) i twirled the rifle in high school 63) i can play the trombone 64) i can't whistle 65) my second and third toes grow together on both feet 66) i took allergy shots as a child 67) i took ballet as a child 68) i have slept in my car because i had no where to go 69) i am often a fearful person 70) i try to cover it up by acting fearless 71) i was about 40 lbs underweight when i met J 72) i am afraid of very religious people 73) i am afraid of bugs 74) i hate the smell of bleach 75) my favorite comedy is a toss up between the South Park movie and Jay and Silent Bob Strike back 76) i saw Kid Rock in concert 77) i wore braces when i was a kid 78) i have naturally curly hair 79) i was a phone sex operator 80) my sister and i sell sex toys 81) i collect butterflies 82) Gerber daisies are my favorite flower 83) it bothers me that i can't remember what my mother's favorite flower was 84) i had a man offer to pay me to be his mistress when i was 18 85) i am afraid of people in authority 86) i once pissed on a girl's clothes because she made me mad 87) she wore those clothes the next day 88) i read playboy 89) i didn't really like the story of O that much 90) i like the Beauty Trilogy a lot 91) i worked as a photographer 92) i love Gone with the Wind 93) i cannot draw 94) i cannot sing 95) i love to dance 96) i do not get along with my father 97) i have never stolen anything from a person 98) i did once accidentally steal a scrunchie from Walmart 99) i desperately want to go back to school 100) as i write this i am terrified i am pregnant

angel sighed at 6/02/2004 06:21:00 PM

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Thoughts to Sort Out 

Here it is June 1st, i cannot believe 2004 is almost half over, where the hell is the time going to? Time has gotten very slippery on me lately. i cannot find enough hours in the day to do everything i need to do. Ever. And, i have so many other things i want to do. Its scary, i really really need to prioritize, but everything is always so up in the air. J finally got around to paying some attention to me today, which i have been desperately waiting for, and then, (i swear i don't know what the hell is wrong with me) i was horribly shy and didn't want to play. The D/s dynamic has been shoved to the back burner, and as always happens when we aren't into our respective "spaces", our sex life has completely fallen apart. i don't know what i want. i am going to leave this entry here, so i can reflect on this and maybe pick it up later... and start another entry, because there is a list i want to do.

angel sighed at 6/02/2004 06:20:00 PM

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