Sunday, July 25, 2004

True Romance 

J and i had a fight today. A really really bad fight. The kind that it takes a while to get over. And, tomorrow is our anniversary. i can see now it is going to suck. J is going with a friend to a city 4 hours away in the morning. How romantic huh? i am hurt and confused. i am also exhausted. i will try to get back to this tomorrow... but may not be able to. i may be away for a few days. i don't know... everything is up in the air.

angel sighed at 7/25/2004 08:43:00 PM

 0 comments

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Getting Help 

Okay, nothing has happened, and everything has happened. i finally quit running from it, and admitted to myself that i have to deal with all this nutsyness before it gets anymore out of hand. So i called up my shrink, apologized for bailing on him, and begged him to let me come back. He did. i have gone back on some medication, which i am still adjusting to. So far, it hasn't helped one whit. But, of course it can't, because these types of meds have to build up over the course of several weeks. So far, its been less than a week, and i am still overwhelmed by all the symptoms. Some days i fear i won't make it until the stuff starts working. So far, the side effects are mild. i am starting another med on Wednesday to use in conjunction with what i am taking now. i like this system of adding one medication at a time. Every other shrink i have ever gone to has piled on the pills at the very beginning. Giving me high doses of tons of shit, and frankly, i wind up just feeling like a numb zombie. Hence, i never want to take my medicine. This doctor is different. i love that. He also told me, that i have got to go back to therapy and work on processing all this nasty junk. He said that the symptoms can be helped by the medication but until their root cause is dealt with, the will never ever go away. Bummer. Yuck. i hate therapy, hate it with a damn passion. i have done it all. Art therapy, group therapy, hypno-therapy, talk therapy, psycho-drama. All of it hurts. But, enough whining, do what needs to be done. So i took his list of recommended therapists, compared it with my list of insurance accepting therapists, and came up with a short list of possibilities. i am trying out my first choice on Wednesday. i'm really lucky to have come up with someone, because the pissy assed little town i live in is horribly short on mental health services. So there is the update on the mental health front. J and i have no privacy so i have not gotten a good swatting in a while. Our anniversary is on Monday. We will have been married 7 years. The plan was to go to the beach, but some things we were counting on fell through, so we can't go. i'm not sure what we are going to do, but we are going to get some private time together come hell or high water. In summary, i have gotten loopy again and i'm not getting laid regularly or getting beaten at all... does anyone else see the connection here?

angel sighed at 7/24/2004 08:43:00 PM

 0 comments

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Long Dead Issues That Just Won't Rest 

i read a post over at rg's the other day, that really made me think. i sent her an email, and to my surprise, she posted my comment, despite the fact it is disgusting. i have been thinking and thinking about this. Its been a bit like a pop song that gets stuck in your head and you can't get it out. i have had countless hours of therapy, that was, frankly, not all that damn helpful. i have been so stupid throughout my life, making the same dumb mistakes over and over. The fact is, i think a lot of the reason is i have never really dealt with this very issue. It is much easier to move on and put out fires and work on issues i can resolve. The cold hard truth of the matter is i have never really moved on. i am still trying to find a way to make my father love me, and i am still punishing myself for my grandfather. What the fuck is wrong with me? Even bigger... how the hell do i stop it?

angel sighed at 7/18/2004 08:42:00 PM

 0 comments

Saturday, July 17, 2004

The Key Players 

J- My wonderful husband. This man is every male figure i need or want in my life. Master, friend, Daddy, lover, guidance counselor and anything else you can think of. Brad- My oldest child. He has autism, and is a bit of a challenge, but very rewarding and worth every bit of trouble. Owner of the world's most beautiful smile. Kami- My daughter. She is the cutest, most wonderful little girl on the planet, and no, i am not biased. Vanessa- My sister. She is 11 years older than me. She has bipolar disorder and struggles. She is my best friend and probably my biggest source of support outside of J. My best friend. Hostetter- Vanessa's husband. Total asshole if you are not in the circle of his love, but i have now made it into this place. He is very good to me, my husband, and my children. i love him very much. Iris- Vanessa's oldest daughter. She is very dear to me. Beautiful, alcoholic, adventurer. Andy- Iris's "adopted" son. Danny- Iris's live in boyfriend. They are very serious. Jenny- Vanessa's youngest daughter. She is a very complicated and angst ridden kid. Elvin- Jenny's baby. Gary- Jenny's likable but totally useless little shit boyfriend who lives with her and sponges off of her. Marcie- My sister. She is 14 years older than me. She is married to the world's biggest dickhead. Goofy- The world's biggest dick head... he also happens to be married to Marcie. Franklin- Marcie's oldest son. Bright, sweet, tragically lost. Has lots of potential but is being ruined by his parents. Carrie- Franklin's livin 18 year old girlfriend who just won't get a job and do shit. HotRod- Marcie's youngest son. Mischievous but still a sweetie. Will tear down your house in two seconds flat, but grin at you in such a way that you cannot help but fall in love with him all over again. Trina- my best friend outside the family. Her oldest son is also autistic.

angel sighed at 7/17/2004 08:42:00 PM

 0 comments

Friday, July 16, 2004

Fallen 

Today i fell down. Down, down, down the dark well. Now i have to pick myself up again. It makes me tired to think about.

angel sighed at 7/16/2004 08:41:00 PM

 0 comments

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Compromise 

i hate being crazy. Hate it! Detest it. i am so damn sick of it. Why can't things ever just smooth out. Lately i despair that i will never be able to live a productive life again. The thought makes me ill. i don't want to be a burden to J, i want to be his helpmate... his partner. i am losing time again. J says that the fact of the matter is, even if i don't want to face it, i may just have to go back on some medications. Being medicated seems like a failure to me, but i suppose lots of productive people have to be on them. i guess it is just that i wanted to be free of this. Free of the hold that the destructive forces in my life have had over me. But, i guess the sad truth is that is not to be... at least not at this time. But, i suppose if some medication can give me the secure base to move forward with my life like i want to, its a small price to pay. i am very lonely for J. We haven't had much private time together lately and i am craving him. His smile, his touch, his cock, his belt, his cum. My nipples tingle for twists and slaps, the sensitive skin on my inner thighs long for cruel licks of his belt. *sigh*

angel sighed at 7/15/2004 08:40:00 PM

 0 comments

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Holding On 

i'm still holding it together. Somehow... i don't know how. i am very seriously considering calling the doc up and asking for a PRN to take when things are out of control like this. i hate to go back on meds... but you gotta do what you gotta do. i can't write much now because Vanessa is here, and peeking over my shoulder every time she comes through, so i will only say, J was able to comfort me a bit last night after Brad went to sleep and before Vanessa got home. It had to be done quietly, so i have no marks left today (dammit) but it was a little bit of help. Hopefully something will work out soon.

angel sighed at 7/14/2004 08:40:00 PM

 0 comments

Whale Alert 

J and i spent much of today looking at hotels together. We are finally going away. In two weeks. Our wedding anniversary is the 26th... 7 years and we never took a honeymoon, nor have we ever gone on vacation together. In fact, J has never been on a vacation in his life, period. So we are taking one. i think we are going to the beach. J has never seen the ocean. i am pretty excited about it. However, i don't much want to go to the beach. i wish he would go anywhere else. i am much too fat to wear the kind of clothes you wear at the beach. Yuck. Someone will harpoon me. Ugh. But, i know the chances of me getting him to change his mind and go anywhere else are absolutely zero, so i will just have to take my whale ass there and hope not to be mistaken for Moby Dick. i am tired, and i'm not looking forward to this week much at all. i feel very flat and hopeless and down for some reason. i don't know what's wrong with me... i don't have my period and there isn't anything really wrong. Maybe i am just stressed. Marcie is still moving and i'm still having to help. We weren't able to get Kami this weekend, and that makes me feel like a total asshole, even though it was unavoidable. Vanessa is back and sulking around the house, pissing and moaning about not wanting to follow the diet. i wish i could just find a little peace. Here's hoping you folks are having a better day than me.

angel sighed at 7/14/2004 08:39:00 PM

 0 comments

Monday, July 12, 2004

Unraveling 

i am unraveling. i am always on the verge of tears and i cringe at every loud noise. i cannot sleep and i've been hearing things. Damn. i need J. i need time alone with him to try to sort through this. i need it desperately. And, i'm not going to get it... no time soon. i've lost my credit card, my disability check has not came and isn't coming until some arcane bit of paperwork is done, and we don't even have diapers for Brad. i'm scared, i'm tired, and i'm angry and resentful. Why the hell can't Vanessa ever leave when i need her to? Why the hell can't the time for her to be gone and the time Brad is gone EVER fucking coordinate??? Tomorrow Brad will be here, so we cannot work on these issues then, Wednesday i am supposed to go to Danville with my friend Trina, so i will be gone all evening. J has told her i can go, so i cannot wiggle out of it. Dammit. i need J. Dammit, its not optional i NEED him. ARGH!

angel sighed at 7/12/2004 08:40:00 PM

 0 comments

Friday, July 09, 2004

Dammit 

Fucking Vanessa. i am so damned annoyed. Brad spent the entire day with his respite care worker and J got off early. Should have been the perfect day for snuggling, fucking, and beatings, huh? Oh hell no. Vanessa wouldn't get her ass in gear so she could be ready when Polly Pedicure came to pick her up. Now she is gone for the weekend... Staying in a hotel sans kids for two whole nights, and i am here frustrated and with no privacy for the weekend. DAMMIT to hell!!! i am so angry. As if that wasn't bad enough Brad's respite care worker let him nap from 3 until 6!! Now he'll be up all damn night, and guess who'll be up with him? Bingo, me. Dammit. i still feel like shit and i have to help Marcie move tomorrow... What a wonderful weekend this is turning out to be. i could have dealt with the rest of it if i could have had my J fix... But now, who knows when i'll get any. Dammit.

angel sighed at 7/09/2004 08:39:00 PM

 0 comments

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Love and Rewards 

So i am feeling better although my head is VERY stuffy and i feel very weak and tired. i'm not sure how much of that weak and tired thing is from being sick and how much is from finally reaching ketosis on Atkins. Still, i am no longer planning my funeral so things have improved. J made love to me tonight. It was painful, but not play, i considered it making love. It is fairly rare that we make love, as opposed to fucking. Usually it is rough and raw and dirty and naughty. Which is wonderful, and i am certainly not complaining, but the days when he holds me close as he hurts me and looks into my eyes telling me he loves me... Those are wonderful too. And, they add enough variety to our sex life that we don't get bored. (As if i could get bored with the 5 million super intense orgasms i have most times!) We talked about what rewards we would give ourselves when we reach our goal weight tonight. Neither of us really knew what we wanted. i suggested J have sex with a stunning 20 year old girl and he said he'd buy me a leather cat suit (ugh, i don't even want to think about that.) We haven't come up with anything, but its fun to discuss together. i am so glad we are doing this together. It doesn't seem like nearly as much as a challenge because he is right there with me. We have been doing more together lately, from admiring his garden and weeding it, to playing cards. This is great because i really think one of the biggest problems our relationship has always had is that outside of bed (and as much as i'd like to, we can't stay in there all the time) we don't really have very much in common. Now we do... And i'm loving it!

angel sighed at 7/08/2004 08:38:00 PM

 0 comments

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

The Make Up 

So, J and i made up. He admitted that he was rather inconsiderate and stayed home from work with me today. He took me to the doctor and made me breakfast. He is giving Brad his bath now. i have bronchitis and sinusitis. The doctor gave me an antibiotic and some cough syrup with codeine in it. At least i'll be able to sleep now. Sorry, folks, this is another short entry, i just don't feel like sitting here for long. Hopefully i'll be back up to snuff tomorrow.

angel sighed at 7/07/2004 08:38:00 PM

 0 comments

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Sick 

So, i am sick. Really, really, extremely sick. My feelings are hurt with J because he acts like he doesn't care. Yes, i am probably being a big baby, i don't care, i'm sick. Did i mention sick? Ugh.

angel sighed at 7/06/2004 08:38:00 PM

 0 comments

Monday, July 05, 2004

Anal Retentive Assholes... aka The Language Police 

(This is a rant, i know its rare but i get pissed too) Jesus. These people kill me. i am so fucking sick and tired of all the bullshit whining people do because things get misspelled or improperly punctuated. Are you so stupid you cannot figure out what is being said? Today i got a shitty email from some anonymous (of course) jerk critiquing my writing in last night's post. i get a good amount of email that annoys me from bible thumpers who are sure i am going to hell and other people who just generally disagree with my choices. This annoys me, but i can deal with it, because i did put myself out here for others to read, so of course i am going to get some flack. However, it just burns me up when people get on an intellectual high horse and talk down to me. For the record, i am not stupid. i just can't spell. i have a mild case of dyslexia. Sure, i could spend hours with a dictionary so that i never make any mistakes in my writing, or i could limit my vocabulary to the smaller words that i can spell easily, but i'm not going to do it. i refuse to say i'm sad if i am melancholy (however in the hell it is spelled) and if they can't sound it out... TOUGH SHIT! Yes, i sometimes confuse the words Dominant and Dominate and i do not capitalize my i. If people are such a dipshits that they can't decipher what i am saying, they should feel free to not read what i write. My final word on this is that i would rather be me with my misspellings and improper usages than someone who is so uptight they are so put off by a few mistakes in someone's writing. Meanwhile, i'll be living my life while they are proofreading. ps... Sorry to my normal folks, this is another one of those posts for me... the hazards of keeping the blog instead of my journal.

angel sighed at 7/05/2004 08:37:00 PM

 0 comments

Sunday, July 04, 2004

The Luckiest Girl Part II 

So, i already posted tonight, but when i have fantastic sex, i make a point to post so i can relive the moment later. And, folks, i just had fucking fantastic sex. i took a nice long bath and shaved tonight and when i came out of the bathroom J was at the puter looking at porn. i usually scurry off when he is looking so he can jerk off in peace, but the pic he was looking at caught my eye. It was a fantastic looking girl on a leash giving a blowjob. Yum. So J and i ended up looking at porn together. He let me massage his shoulders and his head for a really long time while he was looking. Between the hot girls i was ogling and touching J i became rather horny, although i tried not to show it, since i figured he wouldn't want to play with me since i have my rag. He had me come around and sit beside him and stroke his cock. i actually felt my mouth begin to water, i wanted to suck his cock so badly, but i kept my mouth shut, determined to follow his lead and not call attention to myself before he made me leave the room all together. At this rather inopportune moment i had to go blow my nose (DAMN cold!) and when i came back into the room i sit behind J on the bed. Impulsively, i leaned forward and kissed the back of his neck. He made a little shivery gesture and told me to do it again. i knelt behind him and began kissing and mouthing his neck. Soft, slow, sensual. It was heaven. The soft little sighs he made told me he was getting very aroused and encouraged me to continue, wanting desperately to help him get off. Then, to my complete shock, he turned the computer off! He sent me to the bed and then lay down with me. i assumed he wanted a blow job, and i steeled my spine for the impending lack of oxygen since i can't breath through my nose at all. He didn't let me suck him immediately, but had me lick and kiss his chest instead. i was outrageously turned on, and when he finally let me lick his cock i closed my eyes and reveled in it, sliding my face up and down the soft skin of his rock hard length. i caressed him with my check, my mouth, my tongue, and finally he let me begin to suck him. As i had feared i couldn't breath at all, but somehow the lack of oxygen no longer mattered. i buried his cock in the very back of my throat like a hungry little slut and bobbed up and down on it, slurping, tonguing and whimpering until the world began to get black around the edges. Then i popped off and got a gasp of air before returning to him. i was hypnotized. He let me service him for several minutes before pushing me away and uttering the most feared and beloved words he can say during that time of the month, "Go get the lube." i was up in a flash, and off to get it. When i got back, he mortified me by demanding that i lube my own asshole while he watched. It was horribly embarrassing but by then i was so over the top turned on and deeply into sub space, i obeyed without so much as a whimper. Then he let me lube his cock by putting copious amounts of lube on my hands and stroking his cock. It was unbelievably hard, and the skin felt like satin. Fear coursed through me at the thought of how that engorged flesh would feel deep in my ass. i was even more turned on by that fear. He tumbled me back onto the bed and got between my legs, pulling them high in the air before he began to work his cock into my ass. The pain was really bad. We haven't had anal in a while and i was totally unprepared. It was so hot. He pumped me without any mercy whatsoever, praising me for my tight ass even as he told me what a dirty little slut i am. i was lost. Every thing gets blurry then. The little details escape me. But, he used my ass with me on my back, then he used me doggy style, grabbing my hips and really slamming his cock into my ass, making me cry out in agony until i finally came in great shuddering waves. Then he made me get on top of him, which is something we have never done before. My ass was on fire as i forced his cock into it and pumped my hips up and down, dragging the tight circle of my ass up and down his stiff rod. (It felt like a freaking lead pipe, only hot) Just when i felt like i was about to cum again, he made me get down and back on my back. He put my ankles over his shoulders and pounded me, drawing cries of pain from me along with another orgasm. And, as the last wave of ecstasy washed over me, he came as well, filling me full of his cum. He lay on top of me collecting himself as i felt his cock soften inside me. The sensation turned me on again, and soon i was rocking my hips and whimpering, the burning in my violated ass sending me deeper and deeper into my own passion. Finally he took mercy on me and forced his fingers into my ass, twisting them, turning them, making me hurt so badly. His mouth latched onto my nipple and he sucked and bit it as he used his fingers on my ass, until the pain reached a fever pitch, and my orgasm exploded through me, leaving me gasping on the bed. i am so sore i can hardly walk, and my nipple is raw. He is asleep and looking at him makes my breath catch. Have i mentioned how lucky i am tonight?

angel sighed at 7/04/2004 08:37:00 PM

 0 comments

The Luckiest Girl in the World 

Ugh. i am sick. i guess maybe the Brad had a cold instead of allergies because i am sick as a damn dog. i am the world's biggest baby about being sick. i whine and want to be petted and coddled and spoiled. Fortunately for me, J is a patient (well, occasionally) and good-natured fellow who puts up with me. Early this afternoon i was laying in bed with him, trying hard not to whine and he rubbed my back and butt. He would stroke my back and my ass and then give me a few light swats on the hiney before caressing me again. It was heaven. i am so starved for his touch. i never get enough. i don't much care how he touches me, as long as he touches me. i am thrilled with a smack, a caress, a pinch. It seems to me J's skin is magic. It is so smooth and always warm. No matter how bad things seem, the feel of J's skin calms me. i can spend hours devouring the feel of him, the scent of him, the taste. What greater ecstasy is there than for J to allow me to taste his warm skin, and cuddle close to him, taking in the warm scent that is his? i am the luckiest girl in the world. J is so wonderful, he fills up my senses, all of them. Sometimes i am overwhelmed with the depth of my love for him, my absolute worship and adoration of him, and i feel that my heart will explode. LMAO, then there are the times when he interrupts me with "Do we got any eggs?" i had better go make him some brownies before he gets impatient. i love him, i love him so much, even when he does the little things that drive me nuts... Did i mention i am the luckiest girl in the world?

angel sighed at 7/04/2004 08:36:00 PM

 0 comments

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Stoned Philosophy 

Today was a better day. Thank goodness, cause i needed a better one. Vanessa was gone all day today with Polly Pedicure and his kids. She has an issue, and i'll get to it in a minute, but its a bummer and i want to talk about good things cause i'm feeling good for a change! Brad isn't feeling well, his allergies are in high gear. But, i gave him an antihistamine and he seemed to be feeling better this evening so J sent him to visit his Nana. Its strange how quickly we have gotten used to never being alone together and when he left it took us a bit to connect with one another. We did in the end, though, and it felt wonderful to be back under his thumb. After some wonderful love making and laid back playing J decided i needed a night out. (What i think this meant was he needed some time to himself lol) So i went to visit Marcie. i had a great time. She has rented a new house (thank goodness! J had said he would only allow one sister to live here at a time) And, she showed it to me. Then we went back to her other place and played cards with her friend Beth and neighbor Frank. It was a game i had never played before called Phase 10. i had a great time and ended up winning. i even got to smoke a bowl! Whoo hoo. i just got home and spent a few minutes with J who is now in bed. When i finish this entry i will join him. So, i love to catch a buzz because i become all philosophical. Here are two things i was thinking about tonight... i think i'll throw them out there, and maybe pick up the thread and discuss them in more detail later. The first is that J has put two hickeys on me in the last month. He never did this before much, cause he doesn't really like them, but i find myself childishly happy and proud of them. i worry so much all the time that he is ashamed of me, and there he is marking me. The second is that for J D/s is something he enjoys, but could live without. For me, it is a necessity. Maybe you think admitting that i need to be controlled makes me weak. i don't care what you think, i believe accepting that about myself is progress and growth. So those are the things i am pondering tonight. Finally, the icky news about Vanessa. We got a call this morning from the sheriff's office. The papers Polly Pedicure filed against her when they had their fight have come due. They want to arrest her. She was supposed to turn herself in today, but she didn't. i am worried about her. ps... i enjoy blogging the details of our sex life because i can relive the scenes later when i write them out in detail here. However, tonight i am just too tired to do it.

angel sighed at 7/03/2004 08:35:00 PM

 0 comments

Friday, July 02, 2004

Okay, i'll update anyway... 

Seems i am in a bit of a downward spiral if i want to be or not. On Tuesday i decided i was going to wait until i felt better to post, here it is Friday and i still don't feel better. Maybe it is my period coming up but i have been upset all week. J is crabby and Brad is sick. Vanessa is as annoying as ever. J is convinced that my problems revolve around the upheaval in our lives and that things will settle back down when Vanessa moves into her new place. i suppose he could be right, he usually is, but to me this feels much bigger. An overall dissatisfaction with myself.

angel sighed at 7/02/2004 08:35:00 PM

 0 comments