Sunday, February 27, 2005

A Picture of Us 

Amber had this really cute idea of showing herself in doll form so her readers would have an idea what she looks like. So, i decided to jump on her coat tails and do the same. This is J and myself as dolls. If these dolls gained about 50 pounds they would look like us. Well, if i was having a really good hair day. If you would like to make your own doll, go here. i would say more, but Brad is really really sick, to the point he is scaring me. i'm going to go and try to comfort him.

angel sighed at 2/27/2005 07:05:00 PM

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Saturday, February 26, 2005

False Alarms 

Well, seems we need to put some more skills in our communications toolbox. i misunderstood the entire point J was trying to make in our conversation. After being seriously upset, crying, staying up all night, and worrying i was about to get the boot, i finally decided to just try to be more romantic. So, in order to show J my commitment to giving him what he wanted i headed to that mecca of romance, Walmart. (All of life's problems are solved at Walmart, didn't you know?) i bought a little gift bag, some close up tooth paste, a giant bottle of bubble bath, some candles and candle holders, a grab and go container of cookies, and a really nice card. When J got home i sat him down and presented him with this bag. As he pulled each item from the bag i told him how i thought it could add romance to our life. Toothpaste for all the kisses, bubble bath for pampering and spoiling him, candlelight, something sweet for when we are in a rush, and a card that told him how i had always know he was the man for me. He smiled, told me how sweet i was, and thanked me for each gift. Then he told me i had misunderstood him. That he wasn't complaining about me. He was complaining about him. He said that he was unhappy with the way he treated me, and even how he thought of me. It seems that somewhere along the way in our D/s journey, he began to think of me as only his possession. And, although he still thinks of me that way, he also thinks of me as his most prized possession, his princess, the love of his life. His wife. And, he wants to express those feelings more.

angel sighed at 2/26/2005 07:04:00 PM

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Friday, February 25, 2005

Failing 

Good grief. i just don't get it. Tonight J and i had this huge discussion about our relationship. Turns out he is desperately unhappy. i don't know if the efforts i am making at being better to him are making him miserable or if my making them gave him the incentive to tell me how bad things suck. At any rate i am bewildered and at a total loss as to what to do. In the past few months i have taken over all of the finances. i have taken over all of the shopping. i was and continue to be in charge of the kids. i am trying desperately to treat him better, tenderly, with love and respect at all times. i just do not know what else i can do. i want him to be happy. i wanted that so much. Even more than my own happiness i think. And, yet, it seems the harder i try the worse i fuck it up. i begged him to tell me what i could do. He said he wants more of a relationship (??) and more romance. He wants to be happy. i am starting to think that i just suck at being a wife. i hate this. Being J's was always the one thing i did right. Now, it seems i am failing at that. i want to do better. i just don't know how. This is very scary. If my best isn't good enough... what happens then?

angel sighed at 2/25/2005 07:04:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

A Man 

i say all of the time that J is a man. A real man. What do i mean by this? What is my definition of a man? A man fucks up big time sometimes. But, he faces up to it. No matter how hard it is to admit what he has done, a man does it. A man will take responsibility for his actions no matter how dire the consequences. A man can change diapers, read Dr. Suess stories, and cry with love for his children. A man sees his wife's exhaustion and frustration with their newborns and says, "Go on to bed, I'll handle the kids for a while." A man supports his family. He sticks in everyday and does what he needs to in order to provide his family with shelter, food, and heat. He works hard. A man takes care of his family when they are ill. Be it his mother, daughter, son, or his wife. A man is there, fighting for his family, everyday. A man teaches his wife how to make him happy. He realizes she cannot read his mind, and so he teaches her, what is important to him, and how to make all of his sacrifices worthwhile. That is my definition of a man. And, i am so proud and happy that J is mine.

angel sighed at 2/22/2005 07:04:00 PM

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

An Apology to J 

i am ashamed of myself. For about the past 6 months or so, i have not treated J well. i have been whining and bitching and just plain not a very good wife. This man is wonderful. He works at minimum 50 hours a week. He works all three shifts and often does it on very little sleep. He is not in the best health and he often feels sick. Yet, he always gets off his ass and goes to work. Every single day. And, that isn't all he does. He is a good father. He plays with Brad and Kami, he changes diapers, he administers medicine and he feeds them. They adore their father, but, of course, other than their love, they give him nothing in return. They aren't supposed to. They are his children. i am supposed to. i haven't even mentioned all the things he does for me. He holds me close when i am frightened, and will get up and comfort me in the middle of the night when i am scared no matter how little sleep he has had. When i go on a psychotic vacation, he patiently takes care of me until i am able to do it for myself. He often cooks, and he helps me clean. The man is damn near a saint. And, i have complained about a lack of sex or a decrease in beatings. About him being too tired to do things with me. i've nagged and been disrespectful. In short, i've been a ungrateful cunt. i am sorry J. i apologize from the depths of my heart. i will make it up to you baby. Starting this minute. i can't promise you a rose garden. i cannot promise that i will not sometimes loose my temper or be hurt by your distance when you are tired. But, i do promise to quit being so damn selfish and bitchy. i promise to rededicate myself to your comfort and happiness. i promise to remember my delight in being your wife and making your life easier. i love you so much. i am so grateful to have you in my life. You are the most wonderful man i can imagine. Thank you for being my husband. Thank you for sticking with me through the hard times. Thank you for your patience with my failings. Thank you for loving me. i love you.

angel sighed at 2/20/2005 07:04:00 PM

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Saturday, February 19, 2005

The Soapbox 

i've been reading Dan, of According to Dan. Currently i'm in the process of reading all of his archives. If you don't read Dan, you should, (Amber too) because his blog is just fantastic. His tales are funny, sexy, and often thought provoking. The thought provoking leads me to this post. Way back in October he did a post about an Oprah show that he watched. Basically there was this idiot asshole guy who was a TOTAL jerk to his wife and (here's the kicker) was stupid enough to let the Oprah shows producers put cameras up in his house. So the whole world found out what an asshole this guy was. (Go Oprah!) Dan's problem with the show was that there were some very skewed statistics stating that 1 in 3 women are in emotionally abusive relationships. And, Dan is right. These stats are skewed. Badly. Here is my personal experience with this. my regular readers know i am interning at a woman's shelter. When i was coming up for the interview for this job, i did as much research on the facility as i could. They have a website, so of course i poured over it, devouring as much information as i could. The site features a "Danger Quiz" designed to let women know if they are in an abusive relationship. There are 26 questions. For each question you must choose an answer from often, sometimes, hardly ever and never. When i answered them the first time, honestly, this flashed on my screen: Severely abusive: Get help - things are out of control! Want to know the only ones i didn't put never for? Is he ever rude to your friends? my answer was hardly ever, because i have one friend who is a bit of a bitch, and every so often she crosses the line and J tells her off. Do you ever feel alone, as if there was nobody close to you to talk to? my answer was sometimes... and honestly i think if you never feel like this... you are probably whining everyone in your life to death. This feeling is a part of life... doesn't mean its true, you just feel that way sometimes. Do you argue about bills and money? my answer was sometimes... when you are broke all the damn time, you fight about money. Another fact of life. Do you argue about having children or how to raise them? my answer again was sometimes. And, again, i feel that this is a problem that is just going to exist. When two people both care that deeply about something sometimes they are going to have differing opinions that are worth fighting about. Does he ever throw or break things when he is angry? my answer was hardly ever. Since we have been together J has murdered a fan and broke an alarm clock. He also lost his temper with his car once a long time ago and hit the windshield (that he had just broken accidentally) with a ratchet repeatedly. This is childish behavior, but we can't all be saints now can we? And, if he wants to fuck up his own stuff, that's his problem. Has he ever been in trouble with the police? my answer was hardly ever. Once a pretty long time ago. And, it wasn't for beating on anyone. So you guys know i think J hung the moon. He is not abusive and is, in fact, a very loving and fan-freaking-tastic husband. These people are full of shit. So for shits and giggles i went back and changed all of my answers to never. The result? Moderately abusive: Watch out things may get worse! WTF?? Now, i know that they are probably thinking that if you took the test something must be wrong. But, still. Why are they telling all and sundry that their relationship is at best moderately abusive??? This is very fucked up. This is my problem with the battered woman's movement. Now, i'm not saying there shouldn't be a battered woman's movement. There should be. i've been working in that shelter. i've seen clients that have been folded, stapled, and mutilated. Its horrible. Hell, i've been folded, stapled, and mutilated by assholes in my life. But, the bottom line is that going hysterically overboard and forming this opinion that all men are bad is just utterly stupid, and worse, unhelpful. And, it bugs me that as a society, instead of trying to fix the problems of our women, we are trying to foist them on our men too. Stuff like men suffering from poor self esteem because of those 15 extra pounds, teenage boys worrying obsessively about their complexion while they buy overpriced moisturizing creams and cleansers just drives me nuts. The self esteem of the average woman is not that great. Yes, that's a sweeping generalization, but i've done quite a bit of research on it for papers i wrote in college, and while i don't have the facts and figures in front of me to support it right now, its a true statement. That sucks, its a terrible thing. But, are we doing things to make these women feel better? NO! We are attacking the self-esteem of the men now! This is stupid. Making the men miserable will not make the women feel better. Yes, you should be concerned about your weight for your health. But, dammit, you should not have to feel like a worthless fat slob if you are overweight. You should not be fired from your job for it. Those assholes at PETA should not make a list of fat male celebrities to bash because they made a list of fat female celebrities. They should fucking quit doing it! We are going to hell in a hand basket folks!

angel sighed at 2/19/2005 07:03:00 PM

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A Minute in the Sun 

Brad was out sick today so i didn't get to work again today. i am really worried that my health and Brad problems has screwed things up for me at this internship. However, i'm not falling into a state of despair, because since i DIDN'T crack up, i think the internship coordinator will find me another if i cannot pull this one out of the trash. i'm gonna give it my best, but i know i have strikes against me already. The good thing is at least i'm working these problems out now while i'm at the intern level (where to send Brad when he is sick, things like that) and not when i am a new employee somewhere getting the label job hopper pinned on my resume. So, really, this is a good thing. Since i was stuck home today with a sick kid who spent a good deal of the day sleeping, i had some time to think. And, i am not unhappy. This is a major thing for me. There is no area of my life with which i am really unhappy. my marriage has some problems, but it is still strong, and we are still very deeply in love with one another and devoted to one another. my son thinks i hung the moon. While he is difficult sometimes, having that sort of devotion from such a wonderful human is just a fantastic thing. my daughter is home more often, and has come to see me as part of her life. While this is an area i want to improve (i want her to come home and live here, period) we are making progress and that is one terrific kid. i have a few good friends, my family seems to be happy (although i worry about Vanessa, i still think Polly Pedicure is a cocksucker) and have no immediate pressing needs. We can just enjoy one another's company when we are together. Our money situation is better. No, things aren't easy, and our budget is still tight, but its not impossible, and i no longer fear going to the mailbox. i think i am happy. i have never been really happy. Although i've had good things in my life, i've always battled with old demons, and depression, and just waited for the other shoe to drop. But, i am happy. And, dammit, i'm going to enjoy it while i can. i know problems will come back. They always do... but right now, this minute... there is nothing wrong. Peace. How cool.

angel sighed at 2/15/2005 07:03:00 PM

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Thursday, February 10, 2005

Hooray for Hot Water! 

We got our hot water heater fixed! YAY! It is so nice to turn a knob and have hot water again. i swear you don't know how lucky you are until some little thing like that is gone. This past month has really made me appreciate having running hot water. J is in a much better mood. i went to the grocery store today, and our house is full of food, its warm and we have hot water again. i know those are simple things, but right now, we are very grateful for them. As promised, we had sex this morning. It was one of those difficult times when he pushed a little too hard at first and i sort of shut down. When he realized that i was NOT enjoying it at all, and was simply enduring it he stopped and started kissing me and sucking my nipples. He also told me he loved me. This is always very confusing for me, because i've gotten into a mind space where i am very distant from my body and love and affection at that point feel very foreign. Eventually he gave up and just rode me till he came. Then he used his fingers to bring me to a mind-blowing orgasm. After that we slept a while. Our financial situation looks a bit brighter, which is a major relief. i am still very sick, but i go to the doctor tomorrow and should get an antibiotic. Hopefully by this time next week, i will be feeling a whole hell of a lot better. Things are looking up.

angel sighed at 2/10/2005 07:02:00 PM

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

The Woes of J 

So now J is cracking up. Poor guy. Let me tell you about the woes of J. Our hot water heater still isn't fixed. He bought it 2 weeks ago and has been waiting on this guy to come help him put it in ever since. Said guy doesn't seem too worried about getting it done and its driving J nuts. me too, incidentally, since i am still without hot water. Then there is J's truck. He needs a new rotor. He bought the rotor but cannot find the tool he needs to get it off, since 96 trucks use a different tool from every single other year (of course.) So his truck is outside with only half of it fixed, jacked up. So today he decides he is just going to say fuck it and put new brake pads on it and put it back together and order the tool... we'll put the rotor and new brake pads on when it comes in. Then he discovers something else is broke on the damn thing. Something that will cost 50 dollars to fix. 50 bucks we (of course) don't have. So he had a bit of a melt down (ever seen a grown man throw his shoes and hold his breath... it would have been very unwise to laugh, but it was tempting) and muttered to himself for half the night. i can see the funny side of all this. If it was a movie, it would be funny... J somehow just doesn't see it. On a side note, i accidentally budgeted the water bill to be paid two weeks after its due, and i'm juggling furiously to fix it... but that's just the kind of day it was. i'm sick to death and i cannot get a doctors appointment till Monday. Hell, by then i'll be better or dead. Ah well... such is life.

angel sighed at 2/09/2005 07:02:00 PM

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Monday, February 07, 2005

Sex is Good, Crazy is Bad 

So... i am getting a trifle flaky. Cracking around the edges just a tad. So, in the name of preserving my mental health, J decided to be an evil bastard. Yum. He is working 11 to 7 this week, and i didn't work today since i am really sick and highly contagious. (The executive director told me to stay the hell away till i was better, she doesn't want to get sick again.) So we were laying in bed, just kind of dozing when he decided to fuck me. i knew it was not going to go well for him, because for some weird reason, J can never cum when he first wakes up. But, it worked fantastic for me. He slapped me and i felt myself gush. He put the close pins on my nipples and then squeezed them together and bit them, drawing cries of agonized lust from me. He pounded me unmercifully, fucking me so hard i thought i would surely die, before he jammed his cock into my ass, making me scream. i had an extremely intense orgasm and then immediately lost all interest in sex. i have no idea why this is happening more and more frequently lately. But, suddenly the pain was not fun, or yummy, it just hurt. Bad. i was crying and begging and since J couldn't cum anyway, he released my nipples from the clothes pins (oh god, that's when it REALLY hurts... i screamed, i couldn't help it) and pulled out of my ass. We cuddled a while and then he went to make a couple of phone calls. Within a half an hour we were back in bed for round two. J was rough and cruel. But, the pain was once again delicious. He positioned me in the most painful way then drove his cock hard into my unlubbed ass. i screamed and begged, but it was also hot. (i wonder how he can tell the difference between my begging when the pain is hot but seems unbearable, and when its just unbearable? He seems to be able to, because he almost always stops when its just unbearable. Unless i'm being punished, of course.) Before i knew it he had pumped his cum into my ass. Since i was still horny and squirming around in frustration, he helped me to cum again. All in all, very hot. The only bad thing, is now that he is asleep again... i'm not so sure how well it worked on my mood. i just feel very depressed and overwhelmed. Probably being so sick is a good deal of the problem. i hope its over soon.

angel sighed at 2/07/2005 07:01:00 PM

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Sunday, February 06, 2005

Emotion Gumbo 

i don't how i feel. J and i have stepped up the amount of control he has in my life. i was floundering in a big way, feeling like i had just bitten off way more than i could chew. He is doing his best with it, but has gotten rather rusty. Still, the effort counts quite a bit. i go back and forth between being overwhelmed by gratitude and being resentful of having to do what he says. i am afraid to count on him too heavily again.... what if things fall apart again? Oh me of little faith, i know, but experience is a harsh teacher. He has made me agree to two weeks of this intensive control, and at that point we will reevaluate and see where we want to go. Its not much of a fair test, because i've been flat in the bed sick as a damn dog most of the time he's been running the show. i think he thinks this puts him at a serious disadvantage because he says my cunt is a better weapon than all the pain, rules, or punishments in the world. He says it makes me happy in my submission. Not sure if i buy this theory, but i do know i could really deal with a few dozen orgasms if we could ever get rid of the kid and get me well enough to fuck. Why am i sick so often? my internship is still going well, and i'm considering getting a job after it ends instead of going back to school. i really want to go back to school, but we are so broke. i'm tired of worrying about getting Brad's meds and am sick of J working 7 days a week every single week, and STILL not even being able to buy himself a new pair of jeans. Enough is enough. i know in the long run i would have more earning potential by going back to school... but we need help NOW. i don't know what will happen with that. Still thinking about it. Ugh, i wanted to write more, but i need to lay down i think. i'll try to write tomorrow.

angel sighed at 2/06/2005 07:01:00 PM

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