Saturday, April 30, 2005

This Is Not What i Had In Mind 

So, when i wished that part of me would get pink or even red, it was not my eye was thinking of. Yesterday afternoon my eye started hurting. When i woke up this morning it was swollen almost completely shut and throbbing like a bitch. Off to the hospital i went to find out what the hell is wrong with me, and they couldn't tell me for sure. They said that my cornea didn't seem to be scratched, so it was either allergies, a sty, or pink eye. Yuck, none of these choices are very appealing. Today is Brad's birthday, and all of my plans are all screwed up due to this eye thing. Dammit. i'm going to try to do something with him and Kami tomorrow. He did love the big wheel my sister and Brenda got him. J took him to the park to ride it on the skating ring, and said he had a ball. i wish i could have gone, but the sunlight kills my eye. Hopefully, i'll be able to take him again soon. i still have not been fed, and i'm about to start taking donations for a new vibrator. HA! Hopefully the eye will clear up some and J and i will be able to find some time to reconnect, and i'll be able to do something grand for Brad. Until then... i'm hanging in.

angel sighed at 4/30/2005 10:06:00 PM

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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Frustration 

i am so damn frustrated i could scream. Murphy's law is alive and well in my house. Here are a few things that piss me off. One, i have not been fucked since Sunday, it is now Thursday... nypho sluts must be fed cock to survive. Okay, okay, i'm not really dying, but i am extremely edgy. i need to get laid. Two, J worked doubles last week and they did not appear on his paycheck. Although i know he will be paid for them next week, in the interim shall we ignore Brad's birthday, starve, or not pay the damn light bill. It pisses me off sooo bad that we saw what we needed to do, J made the sacrifice to do it, and we are still financially fucked. Dammit! Three, my respite care worker is not keeping Brad again. my respite hours have already been cut once because we weren't using them, now they will cut them again, and it will all be this tramp's fault. i am not happy. i would hate to have to fire her, but her job security isn't looking good at the moment. The damn host for my website, that allows adult content, has declared it "pornography" and says i have to move. i do not see my site as pornography... to me that is nasty pictures... but, fine, to hell with it. It took me days and days to find a free host i was willing to go with because i do not want my visitors getting popups and i don't want to break anyone's terms of service and have an adult site in an inappropriate place. Anyone know of a good free host or a pretty cheap one? And, five... today i plucked out 8 gray hairs from the front of my hair. i am only 28 years old. Dammit.

angel sighed at 4/28/2005 10:06:00 PM

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Who Knew? 

Today, when i checked my email, this lovely award was there! Thank you Lady Calliah! i have nothing hot to report today, sadly... because J is currently obsessed with his stupid game (does anyone else hate Diablo 2 with a passion?) and cannot be bothered to fuck me... much less swat me. i am pissed off and pouting, but he is too absorbed by his game to notice. *sigh*

angel sighed at 4/26/2005 10:05:00 PM

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Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Games We Play 

Ummm hmmm... well, this embarrassed me (which was its point) to the point that i almost didn't blog it. But... what the hell... i don't want to forget it either, so i am putting it here for posterity. We have been in the midst of a bit of a dry spell... which has affected me a bit negatively since we got so intense last week, then i was kinda out in the cold this week. Nothing he could do about it, he's been working doubles and even J can't be superman all the time, he's gotta get in some sleep sometimes. Anyway, it had been a few days since we've fooled around, sexually or otherwise. So... tonight he came up with this creative little game. He put 10 beans on the floor in the kitchen. Uncooked northern beans. i had to crawl over and pick these beans up one at a time with my mouth, carry them back to him and drop them at his feet. To give me incentive, each time i spit out a bean at his feet he gave me a hard lick with the paddle. And, to make it challenging the crop was buried in my pussy with the threat that if i dropped it, it would go in my ass. Are you getting a picture of how dignified this game was? i would crawl across the floor, ass throbbing from the paddle, cunt clenched to hold in the crop, and locate a bean. Kneel down in the front, get it into my mouth and then try to get turned around without knocking the crop out of me as it drug the floor. Then hurry back to J drop my bean and present my ass for another resounding slap. It was an exercise in humiliation as he chuckled at me the entire time. When i finally presented him with the last bean, he hauled off an whacked my ass so hard i nearly screamed. Then made me lay on my back and fuck myself with the crop. i was actually very turned on (yes, i am a humiliation whore) but i just couldn't cum. After a few minutes he sent me to get on the bed on my knees. Then he used me hard. Every thrust was agony and i couldn't get into it. i was so grateful when he finally let me milk the cum from him. i have no idea why... but i found all of this intensely hot, to my complete mortification. He says we will play again. ps... His foot is totally fucked. He is going to the ER tomorrow. i am so worried about him. i am so terrified it will get infected.

angel sighed at 4/24/2005 10:05:00 PM

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Friday, April 22, 2005

The Torturous Toothpick 

J is hurt. Today he ran a toothpick into his foot about a half an inch. He is really in bad shape and i'm worried about him because diabetics have to be so careful with their feet. He can barely get around and is in a lot of pain. i have no idea what will come of this. But i am worried, and that is the focus of this household right now. Will write more when i know better how he (and thus myself) will be affected by it

angel sighed at 4/22/2005 10:05:00 PM

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Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Amplification and a Kick 

First of all, i'd like to just smack myself. When i announced my site's relaunch yesterday, i completely forgot to mention the creative genius behind my new look. Caz is one of the most talented designers i have ever seen. She is also a damn blog scientist and i have faith the woman can do anything with one. If you haven't checked out her site, Eternal Bloom Graphics, go do so, it is positively breath taking. Her blog is also hilarious, so hightail it on over there too. And, Caz, honey, i don't want to hear it... you DESERVE a little recognition for all of your hard work. i love you sugar. Now, on to me. This week sucks. J has worked doubles this week, and he is exhausted. And, i feel so bad for him. i would give almost anything to be able to make his life easier. On top of that, the money people for Brad's school acted like a bunch of fuckwads on Tuesday, and sent me into a major downward spiral. Add in Brad's seasonal allergies and seeming cycle to autism behaviors and you have a big fucking mess. This does not put me in a good frame of mind, even though i try hard to remain upbeat in order to help J as much as possible. Tonight, when J wanted to fuck me, i was just not into it. (i know, again... i'm falling down on my status of unrepentant super slut.) i sucked his cock then grit my teeth and endured as he put me on my knees on the bed and inched his way into my mostly dry, tight, closed pussy. i don't know how long he actually used me, switching between my back, my knees, and me astride... but it felt like at least an eternity. When he finally came i lay on the bed dripping with cum. i felt miserable and low... and worst of all extremely selfish. i know J is working his ass off for our family, and i should be happy. i should be grateful, and i am grateful... but selfishly, i want him. i miss him. i am lonely and overwhelmed and miserable. i hate it when i'm like this. Is it possible to kick your own selfish ass?

angel sighed at 4/20/2005 10:20:00 PM

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Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Blissful Whore 

Tonight J used me as a whore. i cannot think of a better way to put it. When he got home from work i made dinner and then he went to look at car parts on eBay while i read. i was tired and i wanted to go to bed, but i wanted to go with him, so i kept waiting, hoping he would finish. By the time i finally gave up, and decided i would go without him i had become irritated despite myself. To my surprise he cut the computer off and went to bed while i was brushing my teeth and getting ready in the bathroom. When i went into the bedroom, i opened the door so Brad could find us easily if he woke up and was about to turn off the light when he told me not to. i sighed to myself. i was not into it. i did not want to play, i did not want to fuck. i wanted to sleep. But, i knew that it is not my place to decide these things or to ever deny J so i complied without complaint. When he asked for the paddle a thrill of fear shot through me and i couldn't suppress a whimper as i went to get it. i lay down beside him and handed it over. He cuddled me a minute and had me rub his cock. He had me rub my pussy first to get it somewhat moist. His hands are calloused because he works so hard and when he touches my dry pussy, it is extremely painful. He spared me this, to my immense relief. From the moment he reached between my legs i knew this was going to be difficult because i was just the very antithesis of turned on. He used the paddle then. Making my ass a mass of fiery agony. i was bad and reached back to protect my butt a couple of times, but always gained control of myself before he had to say anything. He paddled me until i nearly screamed, and then let me suck his cock. But, instead of laying on his back and allowing me to service him, something that almost always turns me on, he stayed on his knees and i laid on my side, giving him my mouth to fuck. As he banged into the back of my throat and beyond i lay in misery, enduring. This seemed to last at least five eternities, before he made me lay across the bed on my tummy. He threw his leg across me to hold me down and proceeded to use the paddle to roast my ass. i screamed, i begged, i thrashed. Finally i lay sobbing hysterically as he finished up what felt like the Spanish inquisition on my ass. When he was done i could feel the heat rising off of my skin and the slow throb of swollen flesh. Then he put me on my back, my ass screaming its indignation with this position as my weight pressed it into the bed. He raised my legs up so that my ankles rested on his shoulders and entered in a hard thrust. That was agony too, and a sense of deep humiliation stole over me. He used me every which way. On my knees. On my back. My mouth. Finally he told me he wanted my ass. i had to summon every ounce of willpower i had not to beg for mercy but instead replied, "Yes, Master, use my ass if that pleases you." Thankfully, when he had so much trouble getting it in, he decided against that and went back to my pussy. Finally pumping his cum into me. He then gave me the choice of masturbating to orgasm or doing 20 sit ups. Since i knew there was no way in hell i could cum, i took the sit ups and went to the living room to do those while he got comfy in bed. Crawling back into bed with him a few minutes later, i noticed he was upset. He said he was sorry it wasn't better for me. i stopped him, gently, before he could get too far in this line of thought. i told him that i like to submit to him. And, that i rarely got the chance to submit as much as i had tonight. Submission is easy when you like it. He didn't seem entirely convinced, but took that. We talked a bit more, and then Bkid got up, running me out of bed. The funny thing, is that now i am horny. Being used that way is incredibly hot. Having this assurance that J likes the kinky things we do for himself and not just me is hot. That level of submission is hot. The awful pain in my ass and pussy is hot. And, just knowing that J wants me that much is hot. He used me as HIS whore. And, i like that. i crave that. i feel so wonderfully in tune with my submissive nature right now. And, so desperately filled with love, and gratitude for his love. He wants me to enjoy it. And, i cannot imagine being with the kind of man who didn't. But, he also wants me enough to use me when i don't. The best of both worlds.

angel sighed at 4/17/2005 10:04:00 PM

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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Holding Pattern 

All work and no play make J an absent Master. Poor thing, he has worked his ass off the last couple of days, working 16 hour shifts and on his days off. i hate that. It makes me feel like the worst partner ever. If i worked, he wouldn't have to work so damn hard. The other side of that, though, is that J doesn't want me to go back to work. He hasn't forbid me to do it, and he has promised me his support, but says he would be most happy if i stayed at home. i'm thinking about just stepping up my graphics work and doing that. i don't know. We will see what happens. Needless to say with J's schedule there has been no time for us to work on our renegotiation. Its hard to know if i'm unhappy with a rule if J is never here for us to test it. But, things will calm down, and we will get back on track. i'm not worried about it, and still very happy. i have no idea what's going on with the Franklin situation. Last time i talked to Marcie she gave every appearance of having just stuck her head in the sand and pretending that everything was hunky dory. This is her usual method for dealing with problems. i don't know what to do, i am totally powerless to help people who don't want help. Sit by and watch the train wreck i suppose. Iris came by today with her boyfriend and his son. They are such a cute young family. i am so proud of her.

angel sighed at 4/16/2005 10:03:00 PM

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Thursday, April 14, 2005

Disaster... Loose All Your Points and Begin at Zero 

Well, it was too good to last. Our peace and tranquility got blown out of the water today in a huge kind of way. The first bad thing in a serious of disastrous events happened at about 5 this morning when i awoke after less than an hours sleep from a horrendous nightmare. Sweating and crying i crawled out of bed and curled up in J's chair in the living room to try to calm down. This didn't have the desired effect since i was very shortly struggling with a terrible flashback. i don't remember anything after that until about 6:30 when disaster number two began. Marcie called me in hysteria. Franklin had not come home all night and she was worried sick. i, having sit through my share of sleepless nights waiting for Iris to show up, reassured her that i was sure that everything would be fine. Franklin would turn up. Calm down. Shh. Boy was i wrong. i finally extracted myself from this conversation with soothing promises that it would be okay, and that i would call her immediately if he called me. i finally stated bluntly that my breast was hurting and i thought i had a spider bite on it or something and i would call her back after i had checked on it. Disaster number three... when i looked in the bathroom mirror, inspecting the "spider bite" i found, to my horror, the words Bad Cunt carved there. FUCK! i knew that i had done it, even if i had no recollection of doing so. DID totally sucks. But, damn, this is just horrible. i know it will leave a scar and what a fucking awful thing to be scared with. Not to mention how J would feel... and if i didn't think something up to get rid of it how on earth would i ever explain it to my daughter. Complete hysteria ensued but was interrupted by disaster number four. Marcie called me back, this time almost incoherent in her anguish. Pushing my own huge problem aside for the moment, i soothed Marcie and finally extracted the story from her. The police had called. Franklin had been arrested for shoplifting. A freaking $2 bottle of computer duster. i didn't know if it was worse that he had stolen or that he was stealing an extremely dangerous inhalant. Fuck. And, moral concerns aside, i had to question the intelligence of a 6'2" 350 lb young man with an afro (not exactly inconspicuous, you know) trying to steal something from a place with video surveillance at 2 in the morning when there were pretty much no other shoppers. Yeah, the kid was already high. Double fuck. After pep talking Marcie through the decision to leave him there until her asshole husband could go get him i hung up the phone. i went back to inspect the disgusting mess on my tit and had just finished working myself into a state of panic when i heard J come in the back door. i stood paralyzed in the bathroom a moment, thinking about how horribly disappointed in me he would be. Wild thoughts of hiding it flew through my head for about two seconds before i slapped them away as lunacy. Dishonest lunacy to boot. Feeling like a condemned woman i met him in the kitchen and confessed. He wasn't happy, but to my immense relief he wasn't livid with me either, since i had no recollection of doing it. Then Brad popped out of the bed like toast from an overenthusiastic toaster. He was out of school today for a teacher's workday. That meant after having slept for less than an hour, being in an extreme state of emotional distress about this disfiguring obscenity and worried sick about Marcie and Franklin, i got to keep the human version of Tigger from the Pooh cartoons all day. Joy. Both of us being somewhat on edge J and i ended up trading harsh words before i packed up Brad and went over to Vanessa's for help with him. J needed his sleep. So off we go. Once there, things calmed down for a while and Brad was actually very good, thank god. Polly Pedicure was at work, so i didn't have to deal with that asshole and Vanessa was in a good mood. Just as i began to really relax disaster number five landed. We heard from Marcie's best friend (incidentally also a very good friend of mine) Brenda. Brenda said that Franklin had arrived at Marcie's work in the custody of his father and proceeded to curse Marcie horribly in front of the entire parking lot. A customer had called the police on his cell phone and they were dispatched to break it up. At this point she also revealed Marcie's suspicion that Franklin had been smoking crack or crank with said dickhead father. (WHY HAS SHE NEVER LEFT THIS ASSHOLE???) He had threatened to hit Marcie and even told her that he wished she had died instead of our mother. i suppose i have never mentioned Franklin much here, but let me just say this is TOTALLY out of character for him. i was as surprised as i would be if J came in one day and said he were ready to get in touch with his submissive nature. This is really a sweet kid, and i was blown away. Having seen both Marcie and Vanessa act this way in the grip of heavy drugs, i began to be convinced that Marcie's suspicion was correct. Vanessa later told me that he had said something very indicative to her a few weeks ago. When you factor in his drastic weight loss (about 100 lbs in 6 months with no real diet plan) you begin to get the picture. i suppose we have all been in denial. Anyway, Brenda said that Marcie was beside herself and could i please go get her. Of course i would. i had to... no matter what i had going on, Marcie needed me. So Vanessa, Brad and i piled into the Bronco and boogied over to Polly Pedicure's work where i dropped Vanessa off. She had an appointment with her therapist, and i did not want her to miss it, since i cannot possibly cope with any shit from her at the moment. Then Brad and i picked up Marcie, who was understandably a mess. i took her over to Brenda's work and we sat in the Bronco for the hour and a half it took her to get off talking. Marcie revealed that in addition to this problem with Franklin, she found out that the asshole was having an affair. i tried to be reassuring while privately thinking that Marcie was trapped in one of the outer circles of hell. i truly think that this is the biggest crisis that her family has ever faced, in a long line of drama. By the time Brenda finally came out to join us, Marcie was much calmer, but still obviously in a horrendous situation. i don't know anymore on this... and i'm dying to find out... Marcie needs a damn home telephone. Anyway, i got home in one piece, and toughed out the next three hours with Brad. He was actually really good today and i am eternally grateful to him. J finally stirred at about 4:45 and asked why Brad was still home since his respite care worker should have picked him up at 4. He got up and called her. Seems her car had broken down, and she had tried to call but i had been gone most of the day and J asleep. He made arrangement to drop Brad off at her house and off we went. When we finally got home, instead of comforting each other after a truly fucked up day, we began to snap at each other. Finally, we ended up in the bed and J decided to whip me. i was resistant to the idea but was tired of arguing and i got him the black flogger. He proceeded to stripe me unmercifully drawing screams from me. Finally though, it all worked and i was flying high on endorphins. He got out the vibe and had me use it while he continued to whip my back really hard. At this point licks that might normally make me shriek only felt comforting. i had my first shuddering orgasm and lay panting as he worked over my back and ass. Then he whispered, "You are not a bad cunt, you are my cunt." i whimpered. "Say it," he demanded. "i'm your cunt," i whispered. "Louder." "i'm your cunt!" "Louder." "I'M YOUR CUNT!" "Keep saying it." So, he continued to whip me, harder and harder, and i repeated "i'm your cunt!" over and over until i was in the grip of another shattering orgasm. i lay panting on the bed as he drew the vibrator from me and tossed it and the flogger over the side of the bed. He drew me in and whispered to me. Telling me i was his. His baby, his love, his wife, his cunt, his everything. i wasn't bad. He stroked me and soothed me. And, amazingly, even after all this shit, i felt really wonderful. Loved, cherished. i snuggled him and whispered my thanks, my love, and my undying devotion. He promised to take care of me. He later said that he was revoking all my earned privileges and we would start our process over due to a severe mental health foul. i have to say i agree with him that our progression got seriously derailed, and i am grateful he is willing to start over. And, i still feel really good... amazing what endorphins and the love of a truly awesome man can do for you.

angel sighed at 4/14/2005 10:03:00 PM

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Antidepressant? 

So, in the interest of keeping the both of us from falling into that deep dark depression J was very scene intensive yesterday. i got my ass spanked with every implement in the house. The belt, the paddle, the flogger, his hand. i should have journaled about this yesterday, because the whole thing has become a bit of a blur to me now. i can remember being taken into the bathroom and ordered to bend over the bathtub then belted until i screamed. At another point i was paddled in the kitchen. The day culminated with a scene in our bedroom. My hands were tied in front of me and the ball gag firmly strapped into my mouth. He then absolutely wore me out with the flogger, leaving me sobbing into the gag. i expected him to take the gag out then, because blowjobs are a staple in our sex life, but he did not. He rubbed his cock on my face and lips then fucked me for a long long time. When he did finally cum, he did it all over my face and the gag, then he made me wear it for a long while because he was busy making me cum. End result: i am still scared, but i am much more centered and relaxed. J will take care of me, he will find a way. i have faith in him.

angel sighed at 4/13/2005 06:16:00 PM

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Day 2 

The damn lawn mower has screwed up our schedule. The damn thing refused to cooperate and let J get the yard done in a timely fashion. This threw off when he got to bed and how much time he had to fool with me today. Dammit. i was still excruciatingly sore from yesterday, when J used the vibrator to get me off, but made me bleed along the way. But, J was not going to be put off. He let me suck his cock for a while, which was delicious, and i had some glimmer of hope that he might let me finish him like that. But, soon enough he forced me onto my knees and entered me roughly from behind. Although i did manage not to fight him, i did scream and sob a great deal. He also used me on my back and finally lay down and had me climb astride. i rode him until he came then collapsed in a heap beside him and sobbed for a while. Now that his balls where emptied it occurred to him to ask me why on earth i had carried on so badly, and i told him about bleeding yesterday, and how hideously sore i was. He was really sweet then, and i could tell he very much regretted not stopping his quest to come. He said he wouldn't use my cunt for a while, to give me time to heal. i was both relieved and sorry to hear it. J went to bed then, and nothing else occurred for about 8 hours. Then, we he got up, he decided it was time to whip me again. Today he let me chose the instrument, and i, of course selected the black flogger. i took it in the other bedroom and laid it in the computer chair and knelt on my pillow in front of the bed, leaning forward and holding my ass in the air. A few minutes later J appeared and picked up the flogger. He striped my ass and my upper back, changing intensity back and forth between just challenging enough to be yummy and just shy of loosing my ability to hold position. After several minutes he asked, "How many strokes is that?" And i answered him honestly, "i have no idea." That didn't seem the right answer because he responded with an extremely vicious lick to my ass. Then he ordered me into the bathroom and into the tub and pissed into my hair, face and on my tits. i gagged a bit and huddled in humiliated misery while he sat on the toilet examining me. Finally he let me turn on the water, and even though it was icy i scooped up a few handfuls and rinsed out my mouth. He barked that he hadn't said i could rinse it off, and i jerked, but just as i was about to begin sobbing apology, he laughed and said it was okay. After that, our son woke up from his nap and we had a mostly vanilla evening. i guess this means i'll be taking it in the ass tomorrow.

angel sighed at 4/12/2005 10:02:00 PM

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Monday, April 11, 2005

Begin Negotiations 

Once or twice a year, J and i renegotiate our relationship. Before you have visions of contracts (i've never understood the sense of a written contract between husband and wife... in this house, your word is your bond. No offense intended to couples that do this, i just don't get it.) and actual conversation let me tell you how this happens. J decides that we have let things get too lax around here. He takes away pretty much all of my freedom and every decision that i make. We slowly add privileges back until we are both happy. Perhaps not the most timely way to do this, but it always works for us. We are in another such period of reign tightening. Currently i am asking for nearly everything, and in constant jeopardy of a punishment. It takes about two weeks for this process to settle back into something resembling a normal routine. Sometimes we end up in a place where his control is much tighter, and sometimes its actually more lax than when we started, but we are both reassured that we are where we want to be with my rules and guidelines. This process also always means lots of swatting. This morning J handed down his decree that it was time for some major belt tightening. This afternoon found me kneeling in the floor on a pillow, hiney held high in the air as i leaned on the bed taking licks. He began with the black flogger, which i love. He laid strokes over my ass and on my upper back in the place i absolutely adore. i was still feeling pretty nervous, but was really beginning to enjoy this when he pulled out the crop. That crop is broken, the leather tip is gone, so at this point i think its more like a cane. Several licks on my ass made me decide i liked that thing a hell of a lot better as a crop. It was taking every ounce of willpower i had to stay in position. When J switched implements again and seared my ass cheek with a resounding crack from the paddle, i completely lost it. Bursting into tears i jumped out of position and sobbed for a minute before managing to force myself back down. The next lick of the paddle forced me out of position again, and the next, and the next. J never lost his temper about my lack of staying power, merely ordered me back down. Its hard to believe how quickly i loose my tolerance for that paddle. After an eternity he switched back to the flogger. This time he completed my warm up... then cranked up the intensity to the perfect pitch and got me flying. i was totally subbed out. When he built higher, pulling out the crop again i was much better able to tolerate it. i flew even higher. Even the strokes on my calves and the backs of my thighs didn't knock me out of space. The licks on the bottoms of my feet were hard to handle, but over quickly and i was a quivering mess. He broke out the heavy artillery again and the paddle planted liquid fire on my ass. Only this time, it was absolutely blissful. i had no trouble holding position and he praised me mightily for being still even as he increased the intensity of the strokes. Some time later he picked up the crop again and slid it softly over my back and ass, soothingly. Then he worked the crop into my cunt and left it there, poking out ridiculously as he flogged me a bit more. Finally he was finished and he allowed me to kiss and suck his cock a while before sending me to make supper. i wish he had let me taste his cum. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks.

angel sighed at 4/11/2005 10:02:00 PM

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Friday, April 08, 2005

Mary Kay i aint 

So... Nikki's comment on my previous post got me thinking. Apparently i didn't communicate myself very well, and she got the idea that i was trying to justify my titles. That wasn't it at all ( i was trying to sort out how our relationship has changed and grown) and honestly such a post would never occur here. Because as crass and abrupt as it sounds... i don't care enough about what others (outside me or J) think of my titles to try to justify them. i don't wear makeup. Literally or figuratively. i am what i am. i don't always like what i am, i'm sure as hell not always pretty, but i am me. Sometimes things around here (both this blog and my home) get nitty gritty. This place has become a genuine reflection of my personality. i don't pull punches, i don't edit or polish my writing, and i don't apologize for who i am. i try very hard to be pleasant, but i'm not going to change who i am to be more so. (haha, guilty pleasure friend, i hear you squawking... but changing for J is part of who i am.) This blog is full of my thoughts. And, i love it. It has been with great sadness that i have watched so many wonderful bloggers pull up their stakes and pack it in. i wonder, did they love their blogs once too? i love looking back and seeing the day i was so strident, and being able to relive my accomplishments, and fully analyze my failures and of course, bring back completely that super hot scene with J. This blog isn't widely read, and probably for many of these reasons. i don't edit or polish. i don't stick to a single subject. You may come today and hear about how J fucked me in the ass until i cried, but tomorrow you may hear how my daughter broke my heart with her Christmas cards or how my sister is cracking up again. Its all jumbled and confusing, but that is my life. i didn't always have this attitude. i used to want so desperately to be all things to all people that i changed my mind every two seconds about any decision i made, and just generally ran myself ragged. i'm unsure if i am getting old and cranky, or if i'm finally maturing into a grown woman with my own thoughts and ideas that i want satisfied before looking to fix everyone else's life. In fact, i drug out some of my old paper journals to compare, and i found entries in there that are the very opposite of this one. Basically, they say i will go to any length to be loved. And, i just don't feel that way any more. my house is a mess, i wear my pajamas to the grocery store, i smoke too much and i listen to angry music that's probably too young for me. That's part of who i am. And, i'm finally comfortable enough to say, that's okay. Everyone doesn't have to like me. i think with the very growth of our relationship i was trying to express and a lot of personal growth, i've finally come to a point in my life where i am beginning to accept myself. Thank goodness... trying to be superwoman was exhausting. i'd rather spend my energy trying to get J to fuck me... or swat me.

angel sighed at 4/08/2005 10:02:00 PM

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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

What are we? 

So i was yesterday that i was gonna talk about how J and i relate to each other now. Because it seems to have evolved... or at least we seem to have come to see it in different ways. i'm going to try to do this post now... while the conversation we just had is fresh, but you will have to forgive me if it meanders, i am truly stoned after taking a sleeping pill and having a long talk with J. Have i said i love my sleeping pills? They are a good good thing. Anyway. When J and i started really working towards having a full time D/s relationship we choose the path of M/s. It seemed the best titles at the time. i was giving my freedom to him. He was accepting the responsibility of being my Master. But, as our relationship has continued down the D/s path, we don't really fit in there any more. i tried to express myself on this topic a long time ago... here. But, somehow, that didn't really sum it up either. J says we are one. A unit. And i am the foundation of that unit, the bottom, if you will. And, he is the roof, the top if you will. His job is to protect, comfort, and control. my job is to serve, support, and obey. The truth is, within the scope of our relationship, i am his slave, his whore, his cunt, his princess, his angel, his wife, his mate, his little girl. And, he is my Master, my Dom, my Man, my Husband, my Daddy. It depends on our needs at the time. So... i don't really have a handy title for J. Nor one for myself. He is just my J. my everything. and i am just his angel... his everything. Doesn't seem like a bad was for things to be. Makes finding concise sentences about this complex relationship hard to make... but is the best way i can think of to explain it... perhaps when i re read this when i am not about to fall out.

angel sighed at 4/06/2005 10:01:00 PM

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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Personal Responsibility 

So, a few days ago, i was talking to a good friend of mine who isn't into the lifestyle, but is interested in it. While trying to talk to him about being punished, i came up with a question for myself. Am i avoiding personal responsibility by being J's? i have thought and thought about it and i cannot come to any clear decision. The answer seems to be yes and no. In some ways i am scrutinized much more on every days things in the relationship we have, than one could expect in your good 'ol vanilla marriage. If Jane Smith doesn't do the laundry on Friday, chances are the worst thing that will happen is that she'll have to do it on Saturday. If i don't do the laundry on Friday, and J has decreed it must be done, chances are i'll suffer for not doing it AND i'll have to do it on Saturday. Doesn't seem to me that i have evaded the responsibility of doing the laundry. But, the catch is and J has decreed it must be done, what if he didn't? Is it still my responsibility to get it done? Or is it J's responsibility to make me do it? i don't know about how your relationship works, or how relationships are "supposed" to work. But, in our household both questions are answered yes. Yes, as J's girl i am supposed to keep the house running smoothly and in order to do that i know what tasks have to be done and when they have to be done. But, its also yes, J is my Man (i no longer know what exactly J and i are... M/s doesn't seem quite right anymore... this will probably be the topic of another post) and its his responsibility to see to it that i fulfill my obligations to him. In short, i am responsible for making J's life easier. J is responsible for making sure that i do. Ultimately the responsibility seems to fall in his lap... but if i choose to go that route, i will NOT be happy with the consequences.

angel sighed at 4/05/2005 10:01:00 PM

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Saturday, April 02, 2005

Waiting Game 

Thank heavens spring break is nearly over. i am about to put Brad on ebay for sale because he is about to drive me to drink. i can't take it anymore... go back to school dammit! i need to get laid. And beaten. Hurry up Monday... hehe, how often do you hear that?

angel sighed at 4/02/2005 10:01:00 PM

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