Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Tagged again 

Lady Calliah got me this time. Here ya are, sugar. Points for obedience, remember. :P Have you ever? (x) snuck out of the house (x) gotten lost in your city (x) seen a shooting star ( ) been to any other countries besides Canada (x) had a serious surgery (x) gone out in public in your pajamas (x) kissed a stranger (x) hugged a stranger (x) been in a fist fight ( ) been arrested (x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose (x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator (x) swore at your parents (x) been in love (x) been close to love ( ) been to a casino ( ) been skydiving (x) skinny dipped (x) skipped school (x) seen a therapist (x) done the splits (x) played spin the bottle (x) gotten stitches ( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (x) bitten someone ( ) been to Niagara Falls (x) gotten the chicken pox (x) kissed a member of the opposite sex (x) crashed into a friend's car ( ) been to Japan (x) ridden in a taxi (x) been dumped ( ) shoplifted (x) been fired (x) had a crush on someone of the same sex (x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (x) gone on a blind date (x) lied to a friend (x) had a crush on a teacher ( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans ( ) been to Europe ( ) slept with a co-worker (x) been married ( ) gotten divorced (x) had children (x) seen someone die (x) had a close friend die ( ) been to Africa (x) driven over 400 miles in one day (x) been to US ( ) been to Mexico ( ) been to India ( ) been on a plane (x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (x) thrown up in a bar (x) purposely set a part of myself on fire ( ) eaten sushi ( ) been skiing/snowboarding (x) met someone in person from the internet (x) lost a child (x) gone to college/university ( ) graduated college/university (x) fired a gun (x) purposely hurt yourself (x) taken painkillers (x) been intimate with someone of the same gender And, i am not tagging anyone this time. i suck at figuring out who to tag. So... if you'd like to do this... please let me know so i can come check out your answers.

angel sighed at 5/31/2005 10:19:00 PM

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Monday, May 30, 2005

The Nasty Truth 

You know what? Its not all fun and floggers. Today J was a hateful, whiney, grouchy bitch. And, i was mad enough at him to beat his head in the floor. i didn't, but i wanted to. So here is the dirty secret. Even once you find your Master Wonderful or slave splendid, things still suck from time to time. Master Wonderful can still sulk and act like an infuriating shit. Slave splendid still gets pissed off, throws evil looks and expects an apology. Most of you guys know this. But, now here it is for the record. i may be in a M/s relationship... but its still a relationship. *sigh* Brad's last day of school was not Friday. i was mistaken. Its Tuesday. J is off tomorrow for Memorial Day. Perhaps... i'm not going to say it and jinx all possibility. But, perhaps. If i don't decide to beat his head on the floor that is.

angel sighed at 5/30/2005 10:19:00 PM

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Friday, May 27, 2005

Realization 

Today was Brad's last day of school. i still don't have a respite care worker worth a fuck. i've not gotten a decent lashing all week. i am depressed. It depresses me even more to realize how dependent i am on that flogger. Right now the only things in my life that really make me happy are sex and pain. There is something seriously fucked up about that. i don't know what i can do about it. i don't have time for anything. The highlight of my week was a fantastic gift from Lady Calliah (who is absolutely a goddess) but, i can't even find the time to learn how to use it. What i need is some time away. One day where i don't have to juggle money, fight with Brad, or have any flashbacks. What i'm going to get is not that. So, all i can do is hang in there. i am a stubborn fucking bitch and this will not beat me. Anybody want to volunteer to watch Brad long enough for me to get a good beating and fucking? Takes about 45 minutes. Come on, come on... any takers?

angel sighed at 5/27/2005 10:18:00 PM

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

Just thought you should know... 

If i don't get a cigarette soon... someone is probably going to die.

angel sighed at 5/26/2005 10:18:00 PM

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Fucking Sheets 

*sigh* So here it is 2:30 in the morning and i am washing sheets. Brad has pissed the bed again. AGAIN. i have the fan blowing on the pissy mattress and with luck it will be dry by the time J gets home in the morning. But, here i am, up washing sheets. Dammit. i feel like the worst mother in the world. i am fed up. Today Bkid kicked me, scratched me, and pulled my hair. Why? i have no fucking idea. This happens all the time lately. i love him with all of my heart. i do. Saying this breaks my heart, but he is driving me fucking nuts. Sometimes i feel like i can't take it anymore. i am sick to death of the ear piercing shrieks he howls almost constantly lately. And, when he isn't shrieking he is whining. A warbling noise that would send Jesus to the liquor store in about 5 minutes flat. i'm sick to death of having my hair pulled and of having scratches that ooze blood. And, i'm tired of washing fucking sheets. And, dammit, i'm tired of feeling guilty. i sick of having trifling fucking respite care workers, and the goddamn whining ass school that sends him home and admonishes ME if he has a meltdown. What the fuck do they want me to do? Have a stern talk with him? Give him a time out? Spank him? What? HE DOESN'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!! All they are doing is reinforcing the bad behavior by giving him a long ass car ride he enjoys when he pitches a fit. Fucking great. Thanks guys, i appreciate it. There, now you know. i am a hateful bitch who is fed up with her kid for something he can't help. Fuck it. Stone me. At least i won't have to wash any more fucking sheets.

angel sighed at 5/24/2005 10:18:00 PM

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Monday, May 23, 2005

41 Quiz 

Because i can't think of anything good to say... here is a little quiz i found over at Angelbrat's place. 01) My uncle once: Was a POW in WWII. He was never right after that. 02) Never in my life: Never say never. 03) When I was five: Don't ask. If you really want to know, go read Silent No More. 04) High School was: Miserable. 05) I will never forget: The day i met J, the days my children were born, the day my mother died. 06) I once met: The man of my dreams... and i married him. 07) There's this girl I know who: Overcame great obstacles and is still standing. i admire her very much. 08) Once, at a bar: i had a great job i really loved 09) By noon I'm usually: Napping 10) Last night: Drank, but couldn't afford to get drunk... being poor and having a high tolerance to alcohol sucks. 11) If I only had: The cure to autism. 12) Next time I go to church: Someone will be getting married or be dead. 13) Terry Schiavo: i don't know. i wouldn't want to live that way... but if it was one of my children... i just don't know. 14) I have a confession to make: i was a total brat today, and baited J all day hoping he would swat me tonight. What gets into me? 15) When I turn my head left, I see: Brad's coat hooks with his coats on them. 16) When I turn my head right, I see: Brad's TV 17) You know I'm lying when: i refuse to answer this on the basis that it will incriminate me. 18) Everyday, I constantly think about: Sex, spankings, sex, floggings, sex, paddlings, sex 19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: Dead, they all die. 20) By this time next year: We will be in better financial shape or else. 21) A better name for me would be: What could be better than the name J chose for me? 22) I have a hard time understanding: Why people are so cruel to one another. 23) If I ever go back to school I'll: Take it slow, not be such an overachiever and FINISH THIS TIME! 24) You know I like you if: hmmm... well, if i don't like you, you'll probably know about it. 25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: J, i owe him my life. 26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Who the hell is Slim Pickens? 27) Take my advice, never: Take the people you love for granted. Show them you love them. Be there for them. The sacrifices are worth the return. 28) My ideal breakfast is: Scrambled cheese eggs with mushrooms and sausage links with milk. 29) A song I love, but do not have is: Simple Man, the Hank Williams Jr. version 30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: Go for a ride on the parkway and take in the scenery. Come in the fall, you will never forget it. 31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: Have, what, exactly in common? 32) Why won't anyone: Keep my kid? i need a good respite care worker... they make good money, is he really THAT bad? 33) If you spend the night at my house: You have to sleep in the kid's room. 34) I'd stop my wedding for: Incredible stupidity? i did call off our wedding, 6 days before it was to take place. Got it right the following year though. 35) The world could do without: about 3/4 of its population of ASSHOLES... why is there such an overabundance of these people. Less assholes please. 36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: It'd have to be pretty damn bad. i'm scared to death of those little fuckers, and they gross me out in a big way. 37) My favorite blonde is: Hmmm... only one? Reece Witherspoon 38) Paperclips are more useful than: Tits on a boar hog 39) If I do anything well, it's: my blowjob. 40) And by the way: i NEED TO GET LAID!! 41) The last time I was drunk, I: Fell in the fire at Iris's going away to the army party

angel sighed at 5/23/2005 10:17:00 PM

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Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Perfect End to a Crappy Day 

So yesterday was another hard day. Brad was kicked out of school again, and by the time his bedtime rolled around i had definitely had it. Any day that starts with an empty cig pack is probably not going to go well. At any rate, by the time J made it home at 11:30, i was a basket case. J, god that he is, went and bought me smokes. After i puffed like a freight train and soothed my nic fit, he had me stretch out on the bed. He was brutal with the flogger at first. i ended up screaming, wriggling out of position and whining. He only ordered me back down. But, he did decrease the intensity and slowly build it back up. And, soon, i was totally flying. i felt myself raising my ass for the licks there, and wriggling my shoulders to encourages the lashes on my back. Even the dreaded lashes to my thighs and calves didn't throw me for a loop. i was in the zone. Then he sat on the bed and fingered my cunt. Working his way all the way up to three fingers which left me whimpering in pain, and thrusting my hips against his hand until i came with such intensity i was breathless. And, then, i was able to worship his cock. Caressing it with my cheek. Running my tongue over it. Mouthing his balls. And, finally taking it deep into my throat and swallowing. Feeling every inch of it with those muscles. J has the most perfect cock. Its shape, curve, texture. Just thinking about it makes me hot. The sex was brief. He put me on my knees and entered me from behind. He only rode me a few minutes and them was still. i thrust against him and used my pussy muscles to milk his orgasm from him. And, i was very satisfied with myself when i heard the breathless sounds he made as he came. This is way better than an antidepressant.

angel sighed at 5/19/2005 10:17:00 PM

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Time for a drink 

Asking for a spanking didn't work. i don't know whats gonna happen there. i'm just trying to hang on. Brad is not allowed to go to school again tomorrow. Blah... somebody pass me the tequila.

angel sighed at 5/17/2005 10:16:00 PM

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Monday, May 16, 2005

Up and Down and All Around 

So, i don't know. We have good days. We've had a few. But, we've had some really terrible ones too. Lately our relationship seems to be running on full speed cycle like piston. Its just stress. Brad's normal spring cycle has turned into a nightmare. Hell. He screams and kicks and claws and hurts himself and other people. He's never really been violent before. But, he rips out our hair, and his teacher's. He claws the blood out of us. Its terrifying. i find myself praying to a god i stopped believing in 25 years ago for help. i'm at my wits end. i'm holding on to the hope that it will end soon. He will go back to being himself. All, this has taken a major toll on me and J. J is stressed. He becomes angry and impatient. i am stressed. i become clingy and needy. The two states do not sit well with one another. So we fight. Which is the last thing either of us needs with our current stessors. So, then we make up. Over and over again. i'm getting dizzy.

angel sighed at 5/16/2005 10:16:00 PM

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Tagged 

So, my darling Caz tagged me to do this meme. Here it is, and i want brownie points for my obedience. 1) Total number of books I've owned: Probably around 500 although i currently only have about 50 or so. i loan them and read them to death. 2) The last book I bought: Well, last time i got new books they were bought for me... for mother's day. i got The Child Called It by David Pelzer and The Door to December by Dean Koontz. And for the record, The Door to December had the most insulting view of a submissive woman i have ever encountered. Shame on you Dean! 3) The last book I read: The Door to December by Dean Koontz. Don't. i figured it out by the second chapter and i was insulted to boot. Not one of his better works. 4) 5 books that mean a lot to me: This is a tough question, because there are OODLES of books that mean a lot to me. Here are the ones i painfully selected. *From the Corner of His Eye by Dean Koontz- He doesn't always suck. This was one of the few books about spirituality i have ever been able to stomach. *Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte- i cannot even do it justice in a blurb. If you haven't read it, do so. *A Walk Through Cold Fire by Cin Forshay-Lunsford- The book i reread a thousand times when i was on the childhood cusp of puberty. *Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber- Gave me hope when i got my dx. Still gives me hope, although its hard to read. *A Time to Kill by John Grisham- Gratifies my lust for revenge. 5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs: Shit. i can never get people to do memes. i'm throwing myself on the mercy of a few of you fine folks. Nikki, h8you, magdala, firerunner, and a mere girl, would at least one of you please please please not make me look like a total loser and do this meme? LOL i am terrible at getting people to do this kind of stuff. And, GP, you suck for not having a blog, i know i could sweet-talk you into doing it. HEHE Update on my depressing but at least sex included life either later tonight or tomorrow.

angel sighed at 5/12/2005 10:16:00 PM

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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Feasting 

And, i got some MORE!!! Tonight i had a really bad flashback. One that left my throat sore, for some strange reason. Funny how the mind can affect the body. Anyway, after the flashback, i was so worn out emotionally, i fell asleep with Brad. At about 10 J woke me up with chocolate. What a God! We watched some goofy movie he likes and ate our candy bars and just cuddled on the sofa. (What is it with J's obsession with goofy movies? This one was Honey... but he also liked You Got Served... i think the man is cracking up!) Eventually we found ourselves in Brad's room (since he was asleep in our bed) and J started touching me. i was horribly shy, and resisted a bit at first, completely out of embarrassment. He commanded me to lay still and spread my legs, and i did so. i was a bit reluctant, but his voice just didn't allow for any resistance. He touched me, hurting me, making me whimper. And then, he fed me his glorious cock. i sucked it for a while, then he fucked my throat and gagged me repeatedly. It was so hard, but so hot. By the time he tired of it, and crawled between my legs i was dripping wet. He held my ankles and pulled my legs up and far apart so that when he drove his cock into me hard, i felt ripped open and cried out. He kept the pain super intense for a few minutes before reverting to a more normal pattern of thrusting. i was insanely turned on, but for some reason unable to cum. (actually have an inkling of the reason, will get to it in a minute) So, finally, J put me on my knees and rode me unbelievably hard, drawing more pained cries from me. Then he was still and i fucked him. Milking every drop of cum from him. i love the sounds he makes when he cums. Then he decided he was not satisfied with me not cumming. He got out a toy and used it until i came. That thing hurts so wonderfully. Finally, i tucked him into bed, and he curled up with Brad and fell asleep. i was just in there admiring them. They have the same long graceful lines. And, when they are relaxed with sleep, they look like angels. Sometimes i cannot believe how lucky i am. And, Kami will be here tomorrow. my whole beautiful family. Now... as to why i cannot cum. i always have this problem when we have let his control of me weaken, and he is reasserting his authority. The thing is... when i have been held so closely like i was a few weeks ago, and then dropped... it hurts horribly. i feel rejected and abandoned. i have no weaning from the intense dependency he fosters during the ultra tight control, and i have to struggle to stand on my own again. And, when i finally do... when he wants me to just hand over the reins again... i resent it. i know, that's bad. So... anyway, i have such a struggle with myself to submit, i cannot relax and cum during sex. A few intense swattings always cure me of my delusions of grandeur. But, the process is painful, and takes a while. i don't care... i'm just glad to be fed.

angel sighed at 5/11/2005 10:07:00 PM

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

SCORE!!! 

i got some!!! Whoo hooo!! Yesterday i was so depressed. Really, just depressed to the point of wanting to lay in the bed and pull the covers over my head all day. i've been really struggling not to become depressed lately, and yesterday, i was loosing the battle in a big way. J was really great. We danced in the kitchen, (even though, at the time i didn't want to) and went for a ride. He badly wanted to have sex, but Brad was here, and we both fell asleep at the same time the kid did. But in the middle of the night, we woke up. We talked some, about how i got so depressed. J reassured me, a lot. Then we went to bed together leaving Brad in his bed. We had the kind of sex that is damn near making love for us. i came three times and then J came. And, then i fell asleep in his arms. Things are looking up.

angel sighed at 5/10/2005 10:07:00 PM

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Monday, May 09, 2005

Where's the Map? 

i don't know what i'm doing most of the time lately. Things with J and i get better, then drastically worse, then way better, and back again. Brad is cycling. It happens every spring. But, this time he is being violent, which is new. He attacked a teacher. He has never done anything like that before. i'm afraid they are going to throw him out of school. Fuck. my rag is nearly over. Hopefully i will get some this week. J did let me give him a blowjob and swallow his cum yesterday. That was nice. Yummy. i may not starve after all. i know this is the very antithesis of a hot blog lately. But, we have to get sorted. Hopefully, i will be back in beaten and fucked bliss soon. i know we could get things going the right way... if only we knew where we are going. ps... Hope all you fantastic mommies had a great mother's day!

angel sighed at 5/09/2005 10:07:00 PM

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Thursday, May 05, 2005

The Inevitable Crash 

So, my beautiful bubble of happiness has popped. As it always does. J and i are not getting along. He has become moody, sullen, and withdrawn again. i knew those scary good feelings were too good to last. Here's hoping this cycle into unhappiness is short. For us both.

angel sighed at 5/05/2005 10:06:00 PM

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