Monday, June 26, 2006

Comfort Zone 

Ahh. Back in my comfort zone. my ass and thighs are a mass of belt bruises. Flogger marks are clear on my upper back and ass. i've been fucked raw and my clit tortured until i can barely stand to sit with my legs decently closed. i am in heat and all i can think of are ways to please him. Well, honestly, please him or if i'm being naughty (and i'm all out of practice and often a naughty girl) how to get him to touch my aching throbbing cunt or hurt me somehow. Slowly my feeling of security is returning. i feel wanted, needed, useful again. my house is getting clean. Things are getting done. i can focus more. i'm not so terrified of him. Or of anything else. It will be a long while before i relax again totally. But, being able to let go even just a little. To trust just a little. All of it feels so fucking good. And, i couldn't live without this.

angel sighed at 6/26/2006 07:23:00 PM

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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Where i'm Happy 

J and i seem to be coming to the end of our rough patch. i hope. At any rate we finally had good sex. He started with the vibrator. The sex has not been very good for a while and my body had just naturally turned itself off. i couldn't feel it. "Try to feel it." "i can't." "Just try." So i did. It was hard, but finally it began to break through. And he used the vibe to hurt me worse and worse until i had and explosive orgasm that left me limp on the bed. "Again," he insisted. i didn't know how i'd do it again. But soon my clit was burning aching agony and my inner walls and muscles screaming in protest and i climaxed with a gasping yelp, squirming beneath him. Then he took his belt off and whipped me with it. my upper thighs front and back and my butt. He kept going until he made me cry and ask him to stop. i was ashamed but he said not to be, that he had wanted to push me to my limited. That i had done exactly as he wanted and there was no shame in that. Then he made me beg for his cock. By then i was quite into it and the feeling of gratitude that swept through me when he began to fuck my throat was sublime. He buried it deep and just rode my face for a while, telling me the whole time how he loved me, how i was his, how no one else could please him the way i did. And, then he started to fuck me. On my back first, legs high in the air, pile driving me, drawing cries of pain and satisfaction from me. It hurt badly, but with each thrust, each word he spoke, i felt something in me begin to heal. All i wanted was to be wanted. And, want me he did. He rode me doggy style, he got me on my back again, he turned me most painfully onto my side. He used my pussy every which way. i have been reclaimed. Thank goodness. It was lonely sitting on the lost and found shelf. i hope to enjoy life back on J's leash. It's where i'm happy.

angel sighed at 6/24/2006 10:49:00 PM

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Take It Or Leave It 

i took Vanessa to give my father his Father's Day gift today. And, as he always does, he pissed me off. i am never good enough for him. This used to hurt my feelings so bad. And i would wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why can't i make him love me?" Now, i think, "Fuck him. His fucking loss. i do a hell of a lot for people, he's missing out." But, you know, it isn't just my father who thinks i'm not good enough. Its a rather generalized thing. And, the fucked up thing is... they learned to think that way from me. For so many years i felt unworthy and yucky and blah blah blah. Now they think it too. i get this shit all the time. "You hillbilly, wear shoes." "Your hair sucks." "Why can't you stay out of the fucking nuthouse?" "You're letting your house go to hell again." "That's just stupid" You know what? No, i'm not perfect. i'm far from it. But, i'm sick of this shit. This is who i am. Like it or lump it, take it or leave it, take me as i am or go fuck yourself.

angel sighed at 6/20/2006 02:51:00 PM

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Monday, June 19, 2006

She Snaps i Snap Apparently 

Okay, she's driving me crazy, and its not a long drive. She's dumped most of the work of getting her lights back on in my lap, and its driving me to the edge of homicidal mania. i don't know who i'm going to kill, but her husband is looking good for it. Oh alright, i'm kidding, but seriously my nerves are shot to shit and i have five bazillion other things stressing me the fuck out at the moment too. i just don't how much longer i can do this. Then i don't know what she will do. She is my sister and i love her to bits, and i would do anything i could for her, but honestly i just don't know if can do this. i flipped out in the Walmart parking lot yesterday (surprise, surprise) because Brad freaked out and was screaming and smacking shit and clawing Jenny and me and just basically being a little demon child. People were looking at me like i was dog shit on their shoe and i stared down several, snapped at a few and finally cussed one out before i managed to get things arranged with Jenny to pay for my stuff with my money (ever held a strong eight year old determined to get away with one hand while rifling though your wallet with the other in a crowded store with people looking at you like you are a child abuser?) got to the front of the store, paid for his snacks, and got outside and into the car. Remember he can't chew, so i had to find foods that he could snack on and offer them to him, with him screaming like a fire engine and smacking things left and right. To reject the food instead of just gently pushing my hand away as he usually does he would smack them out of my hand. Now let me pause here and say, at home this kind of behavior is corrected. The worst punishment in the world for Brad is called "planned ignoring." You ignore the child for a set amount of time. It drives him nuts and works well. Improves his behavior greatly. Trouble is, for the first five minutes or so, he acts even worse. Cannot do that in a public place. Anyway, he finally selected mashed potatoes. We had to go through hell to get them microwaved but we finally did. So in the car, he ate his mashed potatoes, drank his chocolate milk, screamed, smacked the door, and i went to pieces. i hate fucking Walmart. It is evil. i want to run away.

angel sighed at 6/19/2006 12:54:00 PM

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Marcie Finally Snapped 

Marcie has snapped like so many dry twigs under the shoe of an a jogger off the path. She, her husband, and her oldest son go to court next week, her electricity has been cut off for over a month, today they cut her water off and she had to rob Peter and beat up Paul to get it cut back on, her family is fighting, and finally... her husband can't get a job and her oldest son's girlfriend has moved in with them. Yet another fight broke out tonight and she left them all her money and threw as much of shit as she could find by candle light out threw the yard. Then she left walking. She went to work. She called me talking crazy. She told me she loved me and goodbye. She called Vanessa and said the same thing. She looked like warmed over hell today. i'm scared. i should do something. But, what?

angel sighed at 6/14/2006 11:24:00 PM

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Demon Spawn 

my son is in cahoots with those bastards at the fifth circle of hell to drive me back there. i swear he has sprouted horns and turned into the fucking devil. i do NOT know what is wrong with him. Where has my sunbeam boy gone? Who is this demon spawn? Screaming, hair pulling, shit smearing, pissing on everything, head banging. i'm in hell. i'm probably doing my hair today. Send positive energy, chant, pray, do whatever you do. i don't think i can't cope if it goes wrong. She is an excellent stylist... but you know... jitters. i want a spanking. i feel like i might bitch smack him if he spanks me. This ever happen to anyone else?

angel sighed at 6/13/2006 11:44:00 AM

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Sunday, June 11, 2006

Kami... At Last 

We went over yesterday and saw Kami, finally. i have missed her so bad it felt like my heart had swollen and was throbbing. i know that makes no sense but its the best i can do to explain it. Stupid little things would catch me off guard a hundred thousand times a day and it would be a stab in the heart. Her name, echoed in my head constantly. You see, my mental illness is a sore spot with the grandparents that have joint custody of her. i live in mortal fear that they will stop letting me see her. So when i'm in a bad place i have to stay away until i can maintain. At any rate, i have presented myself for inspection, passed, and now i can call and see her again. i can't describe the relief. i ran barefoot in their front yard with each of my children's hands clasped in one of mine and knew why it was so important to keep fighting. Why i have to keep doing this when i get so exhausted. When it feels like it will never stop. When the screaming in the night comes. When the shadows turn into monsters from my past. i have to beat them. Because, i have those two sturdy little people who look to me. Those two beautiful little people who i have to set an example for. Who i have to show how to be strong. That no matter what, you can keep going and you can choose to find another life. For just as life dealt me a shitty hand of cards, my babies didn't get the greatest hand either. Brad with all of his obstacles to overcome. Kami with her mother that is not what one would want their mother to be. Her grandparents who are too old to raise her. Her father who works constantly. Her brother who requires so much care. And, her grandfather is so sick. i fear he is dying. i worry so about what that will do to Kami. And, to J of course. The bad blood between them will probably never heal completely, and that will be a hell of a burden for J to carry alone. i wish i could somehow take this coming pain away from both of my dear ones. But, i can't. i can only be here. And, love the, and support them. On another note J and i had sexual relations last night. i have my rag, so nothing in that department, but i did give him a blow job and then he jacked off in my mouth. i worry that my jaw will eventually take away something that was so special about me. That someday my blowjob will be nothing special. It will only be something any woman can do. i have to find a way to have that surgery done. i just have to.

angel sighed at 6/11/2006 09:15:00 AM

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Friday, June 09, 2006

i Wonder... 

Hostetter's son is graduating from high school tomorrow. And, i can't help but wonder. If he had lived, would he be graduating high school? Would he be a junkie like his father was? A whore like his mother was? A monster like the runners of his house? Would they have sold him? Would a client have killed him? An overdose? His soul dead? Prison? A murder? A pimp? A man like John or Edward? i haven't forgotten you baby. i never will. i think of you everyday. And, i wonder. And i hope. And, i wish.

angel sighed at 6/09/2006 11:02:00 AM

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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Pulling It Together 

Everyday i am growing stronger. i am able to see people more clearly than i ever have before. People that just want to use me. People that take advantage of my weaknesses. People who honestly love and care for me. All sorts of people. Walls are going up in places where i used to let people trample me and coming down in places where i used to hold away sources of support, love, and joy because i thought i didn't deserve it. my hives are completely gone and my body is settling down. i thought i wouldn't share this here, but you know... fuck it. my hives affected the scar tissue in my pubic area and i've looked and felt like i got fingered by Freddy Kruger for a while now. Its not been pleasant. i was starting to think i was going to have to go to the doctor, and that was making me even more insane. But, its improving rapidly and i think its going to be okay. Brad is out of school until the 19th and he is bored out of his mind. We are coping by spending a lot of time at Vanessa's something he enjoys a great deal. The downside of this is that my house rather looks like a tornado hit it, but i'm keeping my sanity and Brad is fairly happy. Fuck the house, i'll just do the best i can with it. As my Empress Love Buns Lady C is always telling me: BABY STEPS. i'll get it all back together. i can't expect perfection or everything will just blow up in my face. i'm going to do something rather drastic to my hair. Heavy light camel highlights. i had it done a long time ago and J loved it. i can't really remember how i felt about it, but i do remember basking in his admiration. i've lost more weight, which is good, although annoyingly now i own NO CLOTHES THAT FIT. i don't plan to buy any until i loose at least one or two more sizes and the stuff i've got is just absolutely falling off. Why waste the money? Thirty is still approaching and i plan to be prepared for the bitch by being a goddamn goddess. Yes, this is still my plan. i've haven't gotten it much due to the earlier mentioned coochie malfunction. i think i'm well enough for an experiment and so i'm hoping maybe to get it on tonight. i want a spanking finally. i haven't since i got home from the hospital. i've felt very defensive and hostile and just plain pissy. Honestly i was kind of afraid if J came at me with a flogger or a paddle i'd either burst into tear or jerk it out of his hand and throw it out the window. i'm calming down now, finally. His attempts at control have felt like yelling and hurtful punishments. i've been emotional and unreasonable. i just was down and vulnerable and it took me a while to pull myself together. He understood. And, one of the biggest things i had to do to get to the point where i could move on was quit giving a fuck what other people think. i am stronger, but i'm not quiet as sweet and patient as i once was. But, i think maybe that's okay. Someone i like and admire very much (magdala)did a post once about selfishness. i get that post in a whole new way now. i went back and looked it up. i don't want to be a martyr. i want to be healthy. And, if i can't get there yet, i at least want to have my head screwed on halfway straight and be able to put the right people first. And fuck getting hives again. Ever.

angel sighed at 6/08/2006 04:36:00 PM

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Pouting 

Having to remove all my music bummed me out and tapped my creative juices for the day. i'll post something tomorrow when i'm feeling more introspective and less like a sulky twit. Ultra thanks to Lili for calling it to my attention that my page was fucking up. And, guys, i don't bite, you can come to me and tell me my page crashes, a post pissed you off or touched you, or what have you. Really, i may be nuts, but i'm not dangerous. Really. i swear. i'm out of places to burry the bodies in the back yard.

angel sighed at 6/05/2006 08:37:00 PM

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

Little Of This, Little Of That 

J and i went out to dinner alone last night. We haven't done that in a really long time. It was nice. There is nothing really exciting to tell. Just we went out, sans kid, and had a few drinks, some steaks, and some nice adult conversation. For most people its probably not a big deal, for us it was a huge indulgence. Brad gets out of school tomorrow. He goes a full day tomorrow and then he is out until the 19th. It is going to be tough. Brad doesn't like change and he is bored when he isn't in school so it's going to be hard to entertain him. Although my hives have cleared up and i'm putting myself back on my meds i'm still a bit shaky and its going to be rough. But, he is my son. my sunbeam. i'll dig in, and i'll do it. i know Vanessa will help me. On the weeks when his new respite care worker is available she will help me. i will get through. J and me. Now this one is complicated. D/s isn't something we do. Its part of who we are. Its a deeply ingrained part of each of our personalities. But, at the moment it is not apparent because we are rather emotionally distant from one another. D/s is part of our connection, part of our bond. And, at the moment the bond between us is a bit frayed and stretched. This is something i've finally figured out just happens. It doesn't mean our love is dying, it simply means the world is getting in the way. Right now we have a lot of "world" to get in the way. i've been struggling very hard. The bills were in a total mess so he's been working his ass off. Brad has been having some massive behavioral problems stemming from all the changes we've had going on. i'm not sure when things will get better, but i'm confident that they will. And, to be brutally honest... my feelings are still a little hurt. i think if J were to pull out the flogger or paddle and go to town until the tears started to fly... some part of me would still feel like he was punishing me for being a whore. And, that's just not a place we need to go. That's a part of me i damn well expect him to love anyway. He said he would, he promised to. That issue needs to totally die first, i suppose. It will. We just need to give ourselves a little time, and reconnect on some other levels first. As friends. As partners. As people who spoil one another rotten. And, then we can get to this. And, by then, i'm sure we'll both be chomping at the bit. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

angel sighed at 6/04/2006 10:01:00 AM

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Saturday, June 03, 2006

Goodbye Bullshit 

i'm tired of fighting about that whole issue that came up yesterday. i've decided to just say fuck it and let it go. Either he accepts me or he can kiss my ass. i am what i am, i have evolved and grown in the damned near 15 years he has known me, but that has been constant. i'm too tired and i have too much other shit to worry about to be bothered with this. He has known me too long to believe i'm a liar or delude himself about what i am. Its just not worth it, and i refuse to be derailed from the work i'm doing by this stupid shit. It would be real easy to fall into a big whining cycle of hurt and pain about this, but i'm not going to do it. Fuck that. i'm busy. He can just buy me a new dress to wear to Vanessa's husband's (i need a new name for him) son's graduation next week and we'll let it go. He knows me. He knows if i wasn't with him i was fucking someone. And, he knows if i forgot to tell him someone it was just that i forgot. Who gives a fuck about that guy. No one. Not me, not J. J was just acting the ass. Which i suppose we are all entitled to do from time to time. That's it, that's the end of it. i'm going back to working on me. On finding ways to deal with my bullshit. On finding those fucked up ideas i have left over from childhood and replacing them with rational logic. On enjoying my life. On teaching myself to stand up for myself. And, on doing things just like this. Letting shit that doesn't make a fuck... go. Goodbye bullshit. i don't need you. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

angel sighed at 6/03/2006 02:12:00 PM

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Friday, June 02, 2006

What Part Of i Am A Whore Do You Not Get? 

i've never lied to J about what i am. From the very beginning, i've told him what i am. i've always been honest. One of the very first things i ever said to him was that i wasn't good enough for him, and that i was a whore. He said it didn't matter. That's what he said. Over and over and over. This morning we were at Vanessa's having coffee. And, this random guy came up. Somebody i slept with once when J and i were broke up. i've NEVER cheated on J. But, i've fucked a hell of a lot when we were broke up. i am what i am. i've never lied. Anyone here harboring any misconceptions about what i am? Then let me clear them up for you. i am a whore. i am a slut. i fuck. It's what i do. Even if i don't really feel like it. i always do. Sometimes, for a little while, it fixes something inside me. i fuck. That's just me. Have i claimed to be perfect? No. Quite the opposite. i'm honest. Just no one listens to me. Anyway. This morning, this guy comes up. And, J point blank asks me in front of Vanessa and her husband if i fucked him, and i do not lie to J so i said yes while we were broke up i did, and he went postal. Said i'd lied to him because i hadn't told him about that guy. Well, fuck. i'd forgotten about that guy. We had a huge massive fight. Apparently, he never really got who or what i am. Apparently the acceptance i thought i had isn't real. He says he's sorry. He says he doesn't care. But, now i know he really does. And, i was a fool for ever thinking anything else. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

angel sighed at 6/02/2006 03:34:00 PM

 1 comments

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Right Here, Right Now 

Today seems less heinous. i sat down with the bills and wrestled with the budget until i formed some kind of plan. That helped a lot. my house is a wreck still, but a manageable one and i'm working on it. The biggest help is probably that i've started back on some of my meds. i didn't get an official okay from anyone, i just decided fuck this, i can't take it anymore and i started back on some of them. i'm keeping a close eye out for rash. Fuck it. i don't want to live like that and i'm not going to. i am going to do what i need to feel as strong as i can. And, if i need medication to do that... then so be it. i'm done with berating myself or caring what anyone thinks about it. J and i had a long talk last night. Things between us have been not good for a while, which may have been obvious by his lack of mention on this blog. We once and for all ironed out an issue that has crept up to bite us un the ass repeatedly and i sincerely hope it is now permanently laid to rest. i'm feeling well enough for sex again and i have about a week before my period starts. i told him this in hopes he would feel like doing something about it, so i guess we'll see. For this moment i've made peace with where i am right now with my healing. Its hard, but i will keep working at it, chipping away at it everyday. i am grateful for the great things i have in my life now. i am quite sure there are many many people who've had much worse lives than did. And, finally, i'm okay with the fact that i'm not okay about what happened to me yet. It was really bad, and taking the time to get over it isn't a sin. i will get over it. i just haven't yet. And, that's okay. my own time and my own pace. And, i will not let anyone make me feel bad for being where i'm at. Including myself. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

angel sighed at 6/01/2006 01:09:00 PM

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