Always His angel

Moving

2006-07-05T23:09:00.000-04:00

So, i've decided to pack up and move to wordpress. i like the idea of passwords. Its been a great two and a half years here at blogger and i've enjoyed it but the pull of categories and passwords is too great. If you want to follow me, my new address is alwayshis.wordpress.com. If you are interested in a password, shoot me an email to my old standby email address thechainedangel@gmail.com and let me know that you'd like the password and i'll most likely set you up with one. Hope to see you at my new place. Patience while i learn to work it. And, i'll be leaving this place here for the duration. Its meant too much to me to delete it.

Comfort Zone

2006-06-26T19:23:00.000-04:00

Ahh. Back in my comfort zone. my ass and thighs are a mass of belt bruises. Flogger marks are clear on my upper back and ass. i've been fucked raw and my clit tortured until i can barely stand to sit with my legs decently closed. i am in heat and all i can think of are ways to please him. Well, honestly, please him or if i'm being naughty (and i'm all out of practice and often a naughty girl) how to get him to touch my aching throbbing cunt or hurt me somehow. Slowly my feeling of security is returning. i feel wanted, needed, useful again. my house is getting clean. Things are getting done. i can focus more. i'm not so terrified of him. Or of anything else. It will be a long while before i relax again totally. But, being able to let go even just a little. To trust just a little. All of it feels so fucking good. And, i couldn't live without this.

Where i'm Happy

2006-06-24T22:49:00.000-04:00

J and i seem to be coming to the end of our rough patch. i hope. At any rate we finally had good sex. He started with the vibrator. The sex has not been very good for a while and my body had just naturally turned itself off. i couldn't feel it. "Try to feel it." "i can't." "Just try." So i did. It was hard, but finally it began to break through. And he used the vibe to hurt me worse and worse until i had and explosive orgasm that left me limp on the bed. "Again," he insisted. i didn't know how i'd do it again. But soon my clit was burning aching agony and my inner walls and muscles screaming in protest and i climaxed with a gasping yelp, squirming beneath him. Then he took his belt off and whipped me with it. my upper thighs front and back and my butt. He kept going until he made me cry and ask him to stop. i was ashamed but he said not to be, that he had wanted to push me to my limited. That i had done exactly as he wanted and there was no shame in that. Then he made me beg for his cock. By then i was quite into it and the feeling of gratitude that swept through me when he began to fuck my throat was sublime. He buried it deep and just rode my face for a while, telling me the whole time how he loved me, how i was his, how no one else could please him the way i did. And, then he started to fuck me. On my back first, legs high in the air, pile driving me, drawing cries of pain and satisfaction from me. It hurt badly, but with each thrust, each word he spoke, i felt something in me begin to heal. All i wanted was to be wanted. And, want me he did. He rode me doggy style, he got me on my back again, he turned me most painfully onto my side. He used my pussy every which way. i have been reclaimed. Thank goodness. It was lonely sitting on the lost and found shelf. i hope to enjoy life back on J's leash. It's where i'm happy.

Take It Or Leave It

2006-06-20T14:51:00.000-04:00

i took Vanessa to give my father his Father's Day gift today. And, as he always does, he pissed me off. i am never good enough for him. This used to hurt my feelings so bad. And i would wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why can't i make him love me?" Now, i think, "Fuck him. His fucking loss. i do a hell of a lot for people, he's missing out." But, you know, it isn't just my father who thinks i'm not good enough. Its a rather generalized thing. And, the fucked up thing is... they learned to think that way from me. For so many years i felt unworthy and yucky and blah blah blah. Now they think it too. i get this shit all the time. "You hillbilly, wear shoes." "Your hair sucks." "Why can't you stay out of the fucking nuthouse?" "You're letting your house go to hell again." "That's just stupid" You know what? No, i'm not perfect. i'm far from it. But, i'm sick of this shit. This is who i am. Like it or lump it, take it or leave it, take me as i am or go fuck yourself.

She Snaps i Snap Apparently

2006-06-19T12:54:00.000-04:00

Okay, she's driving me crazy, and its not a long drive. She's dumped most of the work of getting her lights back on in my lap, and its driving me to the edge of homicidal mania. i don't know who i'm going to kill, but her husband is looking good for it. Oh alright, i'm kidding, but seriously my nerves are shot to shit and i have five bazillion other things stressing me the fuck out at the moment too. i just don't how much longer i can do this. Then i don't know what she will do. She is my sister and i love her to bits, and i would do anything i could for her, but honestly i just don't know if can do this. i flipped out in the Walmart parking lot yesterday (surprise, surprise) because Brad freaked out and was screaming and smacking shit and clawing Jenny and me and just basically being a little demon child. People were looking at me like i was dog shit on their shoe and i stared down several, snapped at a few and finally cussed one out before i managed to get things arranged with Jenny to pay for my stuff with my money (ever held a strong eight year old determined to get away with one hand while rifling though your wallet with the other in a crowded store with people looking at you like you are a child abuser?) got to the front of the store, paid for his snacks, and got outside and into the car. Remember he can't chew, so i had to find foods that he could snack on and offer them to him, with him screaming like a fire engine and smacking things left and right. To reject the food instead of just gently pushing my hand away as he usually does he would smack them out of my hand. Now let me pause here and say, at home this kind of behavior is corrected. The worst punishment in the world for Brad is called "planned ignoring." You ignore the child for a set amount of time. It drives him nuts and works well. Improves his behavior greatly. Trouble is, for the first five minutes or so, he acts even worse. Cannot do that in a public place. Anyway, he finally selected mashed potatoes. We had to go through hell to get them microwaved but we finally did. So in the car, he ate his mashed potatoes, drank his chocolate milk, screamed, smacked the door, and i went to pieces. i hate fucking Walmart. It is evil. i want to run away.

Marcie Finally Snapped

2006-06-14T23:24:00.000-04:00

Marcie has snapped like so many dry twigs under the shoe of an a jogger off the path. She, her husband, and her oldest son go to court next week, her electricity has been cut off for over a month, today they cut her water off and she had to rob Peter and beat up Paul to get it cut back on, her family is fighting, and finally... her husband can't get a job and her oldest son's girlfriend has moved in with them. Yet another fight broke out tonight and she left them all her money and threw as much of shit as she could find by candle light out threw the yard. Then she left walking. She went to work. She called me talking crazy. She told me she loved me and goodbye. She called Vanessa and said the same thing. She looked like warmed over hell today. i'm scared. i should do something. But, what?

Demon Spawn

2006-06-13T11:44:00.000-04:00

my son is in cahoots with those bastards at the fifth circle of hell to drive me back there. i swear he has sprouted horns and turned into the fucking devil. i do NOT know what is wrong with him. Where has my sunbeam boy gone? Who is this demon spawn? Screaming, hair pulling, shit smearing, pissing on everything, head banging. i'm in hell. i'm probably doing my hair today. Send positive energy, chant, pray, do whatever you do. i don't think i can't cope if it goes wrong. She is an excellent stylist... but you know... jitters. i want a spanking. i feel like i might bitch smack him if he spanks me. This ever happen to anyone else?

Kami... At Last

2006-06-11T09:15:00.000-04:00

We went over yesterday and saw Kami, finally. i have missed her so bad it felt like my heart had swollen and was throbbing. i know that makes no sense but its the best i can do to explain it. Stupid little things would catch me off guard a hundred thousand times a day and it would be a stab in the heart. Her name, echoed in my head constantly. You see, my mental illness is a sore spot with the grandparents that have joint custody of her. i live in mortal fear that they will stop letting me see her. So when i'm in a bad place i have to stay away until i can maintain. At any rate, i have presented myself for inspection, passed, and now i can call and see her again. i can't describe the relief. i ran barefoot in their front yard with each of my children's hands clasped in one of mine and knew why it was so important to keep fighting. Why i have to keep doing this when i get so exhausted. When it feels like it will never stop. When the screaming in the night comes. When the shadows turn into monsters from my past. i have to beat them. Because, i have those two sturdy little people who look to me. Those two beautiful little people who i have to set an example for. Who i have to show how to be strong. That no matter what, you can keep going and you can choose to find another life. For just as life dealt me a shitty hand of cards, my babies didn't get the greatest hand either. Brad with all of his obstacles to overcome. Kami with her mother that is not what one would want their mother to be. Her grandparents who are too old to raise her. Her father who works constantly. Her brother who requires so much care. And, her grandfather is so sick. i fear he is dying. i worry so about what that will do to Kami. And, to J of course. The bad blood between them will probably never heal completely, and that will be a hell of a burden for J to carry alone. i wish i could somehow take this coming pain away from both of my dear ones. But, i can't. i can only be here. And, love the, and support them. On another note J and i had sexual relations last night. i have my rag, so nothing in that department, but i did give him a blow job and then he jacked off in my mouth. i worry that my jaw will eventually take away something that was so special about me. That someday my blowjob will be nothing special. It will only be something any woman can do. i have to find a way to have that surgery done. i just have to.

i Wonder...

2006-06-09T11:02:00.000-04:00

Hostetter's son is graduating from high school tomorrow. And, i can't help but wonder. If he had lived, would he be graduating high school? Would he be a junkie like his father was? A whore like his mother was? A monster like the runners of his house? Would they have sold him? Would a client have killed him? An overdose? His soul dead? Prison? A murder? A pimp? A man like John or Edward? i haven't forgotten you baby. i never will. i think of you everyday. And, i wonder. And i hope. And, i wish.

Pulling It Together

2006-06-08T16:36:00.000-04:00

Everyday i am growing stronger. i am able to see people more clearly than i ever have before. People that just want to use me. People that take advantage of my weaknesses. People who honestly love and care for me. All sorts of people. Walls are going up in places where i used to let people trample me and coming down in places where i used to hold away sources of support, love, and joy because i thought i didn't deserve it. my hives are completely gone and my body is settling down. i thought i wouldn't share this here, but you know... fuck it. my hives affected the scar tissue in my pubic area and i've looked and felt like i got fingered by Freddy Kruger for a while now. Its not been pleasant. i was starting to think i was going to have to go to the doctor, and that was making me even more insane. But, its improving rapidly and i think its going to be okay. Brad is out of school until the 19th and he is bored out of his mind. We are coping by spending a lot of time at Vanessa's something he enjoys a great deal. The downside of this is that my house rather looks like a tornado hit it, but i'm keeping my sanity and Brad is fairly happy. Fuck the house, i'll just do the best i can with it. As my Empress Love Buns Lady C is always telling me: BABY STEPS. i'll get it all back together. i can't expect perfection or everything will just blow up in my face. i'm going to do something rather drastic to my hair. Heavy light camel highlights. i had it done a long time ago and J loved it. i can't really remember how i felt about it, but i do remember basking in his admiration. i've lost more weight, which is good, although annoyingly now i own NO CLOTHES THAT FIT. i don't plan to buy any until i loose at least one or two more sizes and the stuff i've got is just absolutely falling off. Why waste the money? Thirty is still approaching and i plan to be prepared for the bitch by being a goddamn goddess. Yes, this is still my plan. i've haven't gotten it much due to the earlier mentioned coochie malfunction. i think i'm well enough for an experiment and so i'm hoping maybe to get it on tonight. i want a spanking finally. i haven't since i got home from the hospital. i've felt very defensive and hostile and just plain pissy. Honestly i was kind of afraid if J came at me with a flogger or a paddle i'd either burst into tear or jerk it out of his hand and throw it out the window. i'm calming down now, finally. His attempts at control have felt like yelling and hurtful punishments. i've been emotional and unreasonable. i just was down and vulnerable and it took me a while to pull myself together. He understood. And, one of the biggest things i had to do to get to the point where i could move on was quit giving a fuck what other people think. i am stronger, but i'm not quiet as sweet and patient as i once was. But, i think maybe that's okay. Someone i like and admire very much (magdala)did a post once about selfishness. i get that post in a whole new way now. i went back and looked it up. i don't want to be a martyr. i want to be healthy. And, if i can't get there yet, i at least want to have my head screwed on halfway straight and be able to put the right people first. And fuck getting hives again. Ever.

Pouting

2006-06-05T20:37:00.000-04:00

Having to remove all my music bummed me out and tapped my creative juices for the day. i'll post something tomorrow when i'm feeling more introspective and less like a sulky twit. Ultra thanks to Lili for calling it to my attention that my page was fucking up. And, guys, i don't bite, you can come to me and tell me my page crashes, a post pissed you off or touched you, or what have you. Really, i may be nuts, but i'm not dangerous. Really. i swear. i'm out of places to burry the bodies in the back yard.

Little Of This, Little Of That

2006-06-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

J and i went out to dinner alone last night. We haven't done that in a really long time. It was nice. There is nothing really exciting to tell. Just we went out, sans kid, and had a few drinks, some steaks, and some nice adult conversation. For most people its probably not a big deal, for us it was a huge indulgence. Brad gets out of school tomorrow. He goes a full day tomorrow and then he is out until the 19th. It is going to be tough. Brad doesn't like change and he is bored when he isn't in school so it's going to be hard to entertain him. Although my hives have cleared up and i'm putting myself back on my meds i'm still a bit shaky and its going to be rough. But, he is my son. my sunbeam. i'll dig in, and i'll do it. i know Vanessa will help me. On the weeks when his new respite care worker is available she will help me. i will get through. J and me. Now this one is complicated. D/s isn't something we do. Its part of who we are. Its a deeply ingrained part of each of our personalities. But, at the moment it is not apparent because we are rather emotionally distant from one another. D/s is part of our connection, part of our bond. And, at the moment the bond between us is a bit frayed and stretched. This is something i've finally figured out just happens. It doesn't mean our love is dying, it simply means the world is getting in the way. Right now we have a lot of "world" to get in the way. i've been struggling very hard. The bills were in a total mess so he's been working his ass off. Brad has been having some massive behavioral problems stemming from all the changes we've had going on. i'm not sure when things will get better, but i'm confident that they will. And, to be brutally honest... my feelings are still a little hurt. i think if J were to pull out the flogger or paddle and go to town until the tears started to fly... some part of me would still feel like he was punishing me for being a whore. And, that's just not a place we need to go. That's a part of me i damn well expect him to love anyway. He said he would, he promised to. That issue needs to totally die first, i suppose. It will. We just need to give ourselves a little time, and reconnect on some other levels first. As friends. As partners. As people who spoil one another rotten. And, then we can get to this. And, by then, i'm sure we'll both be chomping at the bit. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Goodbye Bullshit

2006-06-03T14:12:00.000-04:00

i'm tired of fighting about that whole issue that came up yesterday. i've decided to just say fuck it and let it go. Either he accepts me or he can kiss my ass. i am what i am, i have evolved and grown in the damned near 15 years he has known me, but that has been constant. i'm too tired and i have too much other shit to worry about to be bothered with this. He has known me too long to believe i'm a liar or delude himself about what i am. Its just not worth it, and i refuse to be derailed from the work i'm doing by this stupid shit. It would be real easy to fall into a big whining cycle of hurt and pain about this, but i'm not going to do it. Fuck that. i'm busy. He can just buy me a new dress to wear to Vanessa's husband's (i need a new name for him) son's graduation next week and we'll let it go. He knows me. He knows if i wasn't with him i was fucking someone. And, he knows if i forgot to tell him someone it was just that i forgot. Who gives a fuck about that guy. No one. Not me, not J. J was just acting the ass. Which i suppose we are all entitled to do from time to time. That's it, that's the end of it. i'm going back to working on me. On finding ways to deal with my bullshit. On finding those fucked up ideas i have left over from childhood and replacing them with rational logic. On enjoying my life. On teaching myself to stand up for myself. And, on doing things just like this. Letting shit that doesn't make a fuck... go. Goodbye bullshit. i don't need you. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

What Part Of i Am A Whore Do You Not Get?

2006-06-02T15:34:00.000-04:00

i've never lied to J about what i am. From the very beginning, i've told him what i am. i've always been honest. One of the very first things i ever said to him was that i wasn't good enough for him, and that i was a whore. He said it didn't matter. That's what he said. Over and over and over. This morning we were at Vanessa's having coffee. And, this random guy came up. Somebody i slept with once when J and i were broke up. i've NEVER cheated on J. But, i've fucked a hell of a lot when we were broke up. i am what i am. i've never lied. Anyone here harboring any misconceptions about what i am? Then let me clear them up for you. i am a whore. i am a slut. i fuck. It's what i do. Even if i don't really feel like it. i always do. Sometimes, for a little while, it fixes something inside me. i fuck. That's just me. Have i claimed to be perfect? No. Quite the opposite. i'm honest. Just no one listens to me. Anyway. This morning, this guy comes up. And, J point blank asks me in front of Vanessa and her husband if i fucked him, and i do not lie to J so i said yes while we were broke up i did, and he went postal. Said i'd lied to him because i hadn't told him about that guy. Well, fuck. i'd forgotten about that guy. We had a huge massive fight. Apparently, he never really got who or what i am. Apparently the acceptance i thought i had isn't real. He says he's sorry. He says he doesn't care. But, now i know he really does. And, i was a fool for ever thinking anything else. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Right Here, Right Now

2006-06-01T13:09:00.000-04:00

Today seems less heinous. i sat down with the bills and wrestled with the budget until i formed some kind of plan. That helped a lot. my house is a wreck still, but a manageable one and i'm working on it. The biggest help is probably that i've started back on some of my meds. i didn't get an official okay from anyone, i just decided fuck this, i can't take it anymore and i started back on some of them. i'm keeping a close eye out for rash. Fuck it. i don't want to live like that and i'm not going to. i am going to do what i need to feel as strong as i can. And, if i need medication to do that... then so be it. i'm done with berating myself or caring what anyone thinks about it. J and i had a long talk last night. Things between us have been not good for a while, which may have been obvious by his lack of mention on this blog. We once and for all ironed out an issue that has crept up to bite us un the ass repeatedly and i sincerely hope it is now permanently laid to rest. i'm feeling well enough for sex again and i have about a week before my period starts. i told him this in hopes he would feel like doing something about it, so i guess we'll see. For this moment i've made peace with where i am right now with my healing. Its hard, but i will keep working at it, chipping away at it everyday. i am grateful for the great things i have in my life now. i am quite sure there are many many people who've had much worse lives than did. And, finally, i'm okay with the fact that i'm not okay about what happened to me yet. It was really bad, and taking the time to get over it isn't a sin. i will get over it. i just haven't yet. And, that's okay. my own time and my own pace. And, i will not let anyone make me feel bad for being where i'm at. Including myself. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Just For A Little While

2006-05-31T16:10:00.000-04:00

i don't know if its me or if its my loved ones or if its fate or what but i can't seem to make anyone happy anymore. i am in a state of retreat. No amount of trying seems to bring about the desired result. i just can't... get with it. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm pushing myself as hard as i can push, i'm screaming in my head all day long and trying my damnedest to get it right and yet everything keeps coming out like shit. i keep fucking up. Spectacularly. my house is becoming a total mess, and my attempts to clean just seem to make it worse. Every morsel of food i've attempted to prepare tasted like refried shit. i seem to be either abrasive or whiney or somehow annoying to most everyone in my life and i can't seem to find what it is that they want. Somehow i've lost track of who i am supposed to be, where i am going, and what the fuck i am doing. i feel their impatience. i understand it. Hell, i'm impatient. What the fuck is wrong with me? i scream at myself constantly. "Get with it, get with it, get with it." But, nothing happens. If i push really hard on the house and get stuff done with it, five other things fall apart and i am down all day the next day with weird physical symptoms. When i get the five other things back in the air, i've dropped the house and it looks like a bomb hit it. i lost it today and cried for like 15 minutes which is an eternity for me. All i can say is i'm sorry. i don't know what's wrong. i don't know why i can't perform. i don't know why i can't pull my act together. The litany of curses i've used to motivate myself my whole life aren't working anymore. They just further immobilize me. It's disgusting. Simple choices are more than i can manage. i can't communicate clearly. i'm suffocating and i can't find the places to pull or tug or push to move on. i'm sick to death of it. i'm exhausted all the time and i can't sleep. i just want to be someone else for a little while. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

At my Core...

2006-05-30T12:35:00.000-04:00

i'm learning myself. Discovering myself. Much of it is the same. That same angry little girl limping and hating everyone who is walking with their backs straight and no bloodstains on them. But, i'm discovering there is more to my core than that. There is a fierce warrior woman who just will not quit. She hangs on, she gnashes, she claws, and she'd be more than happy to rip out a few throats. That defiance they could never break me of has grown up, and it can be very nasty, and sometimes downright aggressive. Don't fuck with my family, this warrior woman will eat you for lunch. i look forward to the day she defends me to some degree as well. There is a broken child. A sadness that nothing ever quite manages to erase even for a moment. A darkness that no amount of light seems able to illuminate. There is always a bloody little girl chained down in the dark sobbing out her heart in a state of complete wretchedness. i was in denial of this child for much too long, i shunned her, hurled rocks at her, berated her, and made it worse. i'm working on learning to love and care for her. To cut her some slack and eventually it will be my hands that unchain her neck and carry her into the light. But, first i have to accept her, and thus MY pain and honor it. Yes, i have the right to be sad, and hurt, and to even cry. There is a savior. A woman hell bent on fixing or at least helping every person she touches. i identify too much with every problem, feel everyone's pain too deeply and i avoid my own shit by being the savior. This is a flaw i need to work on. Compassion and wanting to help are good. Trying to save the world isn't gonna happen and its gonna drive me nuts. There is a little of what i've learned about me. Nothing about my alters, or parts or any of that shit. But, me. Who am i? What makes me that? Do i like it? Can i change it? i'm working on it. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Back To Back

2006-05-29T17:09:00.000-04:00

So now i've been back off my meds since Friday. i still have hives, but i honestly don't think its related to my meds, i think its just my nerves. So tomorrow i'm gonna call my meds doc, tell him all this shit, tell him my family doc's brilliant plan of pulling all my meds, and the fact that i feel like i'm sliding down hill on a banana peel and ask him to help me get back on them. As for the hives themselves, i'm done with them. They will go away. They may itch and burn, but i can bear it, and i will not let it drive me crazy anymore. This too shall pass. Money is so tight as to be nonexistent, but the bills are paid. i think i've found us a new more reliable respite care worker. i'm making order of my house. i have to grit my teeth to stifle a scream sometimes, but i'm doing it, i'm putting my life back together. J and i are having to be very tender with one another. We are both under so much pressure an explosion seems imminent at any moment, but so far so good. Hopefully things will calm there as other things in our lives calm a bit and we can turn back to face one another. We badly reconnect. But, its very nice to know... i can turn my back and fight with all my strength on this side, and he is there behind me, his back pressed to mine, fighting his own battles. Weary we may be, put protected by one another's love, we by god are.

My Mama ~ Just Because

2006-05-28T08:23:00.000-04:00

Sometimes in my dreams she walks with me still. i have a hard time holding on to the detail these days, and that makes me so horribly ashamed. She gave me so much, how can she be slippinging between my fingers already. Her hair. How we ued to laugh about her hair. Mouse colored cottonballs someone had glued to her head after magically sucking all the curl out of them. And, we would laugh. Me, my innocent daughter's laugh that thought it knew sacrifice and understood nothing of the term. What did it cost her to laugh? Oh how she loved my sunbeam boy. Nothing will every shake my faith that she loved him just a tad more than any other child who she ever touched. And she touched so many. The day she came to me with tears in her eyes and told me there was something wrong with him. Oh how i cursed and shouted and showed my ass. And, on the day she passed, the letter came. Autism. i sat crumbled beneath the weight of my mother's impending death, my son's incomprehensible illness, and my husband's pressing arrest. i nearly drowned. And, then nearly a year to the day later, a lovely daughter. When the machines buzzed and bipped and zinged and screamed and i was so alone and terrified, i knew she sat beside me on the bed. i could feel her cool hands in my hair. i could hear her voice soothe me. She was there. In my time of need, she came to ease my suffering. But... this troubles me. i don't want her here, tied to me and my troubles. i have too many. What if, with my puckey shit (mamaism for stupid bullshit that is really only important to the person it involves) i am holding her from the celestial paradise she deserves complete with chocolate that causes no sickness or weight gain, good wine, her family, and unending unconditional love. Pfffttt i'm overthinking. i miss my mama. She was a great person. She inspired a love in learning in me by playing learning games with me from the earliest times i can remember. It was how we communicaticated until i was able to communicate as an adult. She was a rarity. A Human Resources Manager with a heart. Whenever she had to lay someone off or fire them, she cried and lost sleep. She always helped them bridge the gap. She could be a henious bitch if you pissed her off. She was my mother, flawed, beautiful, perfect, mine. And i miss her. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers i miss you so much Mama. It never ends. i'll never stop. You'll always be in my heart.

Perhaps...

2006-05-27T23:55:00.000-04:00

Perhaps this is actually a good thing. This whole rock bottom thing. Yeah, i know, i've bitched your ear off, but bear with me a second. Suddenly what i had before is looking pretty damn good. Screaming kid? Managable. Forgetful, often inattentive husband? Work-with-able. Fucked up family? Eh, fuck it, whose family, exactly isn't fucked up? i mean seriously. Nothing to give you an attitude adjustment like head to toe hives, fucked up stomach, severe puss problems (also hive related), a hemorrhoid, and muscular agony. Kinda lines up the old perspective a bit. Maybe being so stubborn i really had to hit rock bottom before i could see what i had going for me, cling to it, and start working towards those things in tandem with working on the memory work i have left to do on my childhood. Both are vital to my survival. And, both are urgent. And, both needed a major catalyst to get me off my ass and moving on them. Because its hard and i don't really want to. Here's a news flash. i'm lazy. i don't like poking at shit that hurts. But, if i ever really want to soar free i'm gonna have to. And, i think maybe i just get a real hard lesson in that fact. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Are you all right?

2006-05-26T13:33:00.000-04:00

Four little words. And the expected answer is easy. Its yes. Its sure i am. Its of course i am. i'm fine. Its im Fan-fucking-tastictic Babee!!!! But, you know what, i'm not. That's horse shit. i'm covered in fucking head to toe hives or something damn similar, all my doctors are in a disagreement about what it is and what to do about it and its driving me ape shit. All i know is its swollen, it feels like someone is poking me repeatedly with a damn hot poker (not in any fun way either) and it sucks nuts. my eyes are swelling shut, i can't catch my breathe, and i can't keep anything down. i have these things on my fucking pussy and now i think i have a goddamn hemroid. So how is that for fucking fine? Lick my splotchy aching ass fine. i'm sick and tired of this and pissed off. i've paid enough. Whoever the fuck i was in my last last life, i've fucking had enough and i've had enough and i want the fuck off this goddamn merry go round thank you very fucking much. i herby refuse to do the whole crying like a bitch with a skinned knee bit and if thats what it takes for me to get better then FUCK getting better. In the end i found my silence and my dignity and i'll be DAMNED if anyone will ever take if from me again. i may give it to J from time to time out of love and the ultimate trust, but i will never have if forced from me again. Fuck anyone who tries. It will never happen. Never, Motherfuckers, never. You can come in your leather, you can come in your lace, your fucking scruffy jeans or your fucking Ann Taylor and Talbots. Eat shit the lot of you. Tell me i'm crazy. Tell me you're sane. Look down you noses at me. Write in your fucking chart. Just stand back a good distance bitches, because if i get one good chance to get a hand on your pen, its going in your fucking HEART!

i'm Back

2006-05-22T16:18:00.000-04:00

So, i'm home. i got home Saturday afternoon. i have hives, the hospital was a nightmare, coming home the transition was impossible with Brad screaming, J and i at each other's throats and basic doom and gloom. Everything just S-U-C-K-S. my blog music is fucked up because i can't host it on my own site, because of bandwidth limitations and fileden has changed its terms of service. Anyone have ideas? Back soon with stories of the hospital that was the fifth circle of hell, screaming kids, sister going to jail, disconnections and other things that will give you hives. Hives on your pussy even. ARRRGHHH. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Countdown to Lockdown

2006-04-29T08:32:00.000-04:00

So... i got the call. They have a bed. i'll be leaving Sunday instead of Monday. Which totally sucks nuts because Sunday is Brad's birthday. i've been in a flurry of posting lately because i'm going to miss this blog so very much while i'm away. Yes, i'll have my paper journal, but i'm not great at switching mediums. And, i'll miss all of you all so much. GP, Lady C, Lili, Watcher, kitty, and quite a few others... i'll miss your perspective and thoughts so much. You all give me different perspectives and i'll miss having the lens of your experience through which to filter my own. i've had a good run, i haven't had to go to the hospital since the summer of 2004. i made it damn near 2 years. For me that was an eternity. For the five years previous to that i was in and out all the time. Maybe after this time i'll be able to go five years or even longer without needing a return trip. i'm trying to focus on progress, not perfection. i nearly missed Brad's first birthday because i was in the hospital, i got out the day before and managed to pull it off. Now, on his 8th birthday i'll be leaving him. God, i suck. i feel like such a lousy mother. J and i are going to do something fun with him this evening, like maybe take him to his favorite restaurant and for an extended drive before giving him all of his favorite treats and then dancing with him. He loves all those things. He's such a beautiful baby, and no i'm not the least bit biased. :P His care has been tricky to arrange but i think i've finally gotten it covered between Vanessa, my mother in law, Trina, and his respite care worker. Next week was especially tricky with J on 3-11, but i think i managed it. i've done the best i could at any rate and now they will have to coordinate any emergencies among themselves. i still haven't called Kami and told her. i hate that because it just reaffirms every bad thing J's dad and stepmom think about me. i really have come a long way and i want my daughter so much its like a shard of glass in my heart that i can never get free of. i don't know what to do. i'm tempted not to tell them and just call her from the hospital as i normally do from home, but what if she asks to come over? No matter what i've always found a way to make it work if she asked, even when there have been sick kids, hurt daddy, no matter what. i don't know. Dammit, i hate that whole situation. The roses Iris bought me have already begun to wilt. They were at their peek when she bought them. But, somehow, their drooping heads are just as beautiful to me as they were in the height of their glory. Maybe its some kind of odd transference. i can't bring myself to pluck the sagging ones out and throw them in the trash. Perhaps they aren't as glorious as the were, but i... oh fuck, i'm crazy, chalk it up to that. i'm not holding out a lot of hope for anything kinky between J and i before i leave and it makes me kind of sad. But, today is about Brad and tomorrow we leave at noon. Its a five hour drive to the hospital. i guess we'll see, but i doubt it. i can't think of anything else today. Don't be surprised if i come back with more later, if i find the time or get laid i'd like to leave other things here. A more positive something perhaps. i'll be back as soon as i can. Adieu for now, my friends. i am determined to be back soon. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Yet Another Blog...

2006-04-28T16:22:00.000-04:00

i now have yet another blog. This one a picture place. If your interested have a peek at Through angel's Lens. Still a work in progress, but some of my snaps are there.

YES YES YES

2006-04-28T09:02:00.000-04:00

i got laid! Can i get an amen, brothahs and sistahs!?! Whew. Now, unfortunately, i remember zip on the details because i was almost asleep. It was mostly gentle because the whole thing started with J waking me from a nightmare. And, i came and he came. So that qualifies for good sex. Now to finagle a spanking and rough sex. i'll have to make Vanessa watch Brad for a bit so i can get some this weekend. i suddenly feel like my time is running out. There is so much to get done. i pretty much run all of the finaces in our house and J has no idea what's going on with them mostly... i have to get that rectified. Make sure all the bills are paid. Do what i can to arrange care for Brad, J's going to need a lot of help next week because he is on 3-11. Make sure the house is stocked with food so that J can put off going to the grocery store as long as possible, he always spends way too much money. And, then i have to pack and try to get myself in order, try to see people, ugh, it all just sucks. But, i've accepted it now and i'm no longer sitting around feeling sorry for myself. i can deal with this. Iris came down yesterday and we messed around shopping and hanging out with Jenny for a while. i cannot believe Iris is going to be a mom. It seem about impposible. She is 24 and i know its time for such things, i know i should have been more upset about Jenny who was a baby and shouldn't have been having a baby and all that... but, Iris is MY baby too. i took her in, i took care of her, she is my heart, my oldest child in a way. i feel like i'm about to be a granny myself. i hope she doesn't stay sick like i did. Although she kept down food yesterday so that's hopeful. With Brad i lost so much weight it was scary. She bought me roses. They are beautiful. She is my sweetie and i'm so proud she's moved beyond the bitter drunk she came close to turning into. YAY Iris. As for Jenny, employement is agreeing with her. She's lost a little weight, and is taking really good care of herself and doing little things to pamper herself. Its good to see the independant woman blooming where there was once a frightened child. i've watched these little girls grow into women. Its like watching beautiful butterflies take flight. Speaking of butterflies... Franklin got a job. And, he's holding with it. Perhaps he'll turn around. Maybe all of the babies are growing up. And, maybe they are turning out better than i thought they would. Or feared they would. Maybe our legacy is dead. Pray it is. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Sorta HNT

2006-04-27T21:24:00.000-04:00

So... i've been watching the HNT craze for a while. i finally took a pic i thought fit that theme and thought i'd share it.

Just Stuff

2006-04-27T08:41:00.000-04:00

So. i. Didn't. Get. Any. Again. Dammit! What the hell, you know? i'm starting to think he's stepping out. Why on earth doesn't he want to fuck? i'm about to be locked up. Unless he has another source of nookie, he aint gonna be getting any either. Okay, okay, i don't really think he's breaking our agreement, but dammit, i want sex! SOON! i've been trying to take better care of my hair lately since i'm going to highlight it this summer. i've come to the conclusion that my hair is a pain in the ass and i'm thinking of cutting it all off. Now, i do this periodically and it never turns out well. If i don't cut it, i feel like i pussed out and i sulk. And, if i do cut it i invariably hate it and immediately begin growing it out again. Perhaps i just have bad hair. Brad screamed for an hour last night and then pissed in both beds. i'm up to my eyeballs in laundry and i'm not very damn happy about it. i can think of way better things i could be doing. Like fucking. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Butterfly Nets At Bay

2006-04-26T16:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, so its off to the loony bin i gotta go, but not until next week probably. Unless my safety plan is rejected and i have to go on a psych ward somewhere else, i'll be home until a bed opens up in the hospital in DC on Monday or Tuesday. Hopefully i can get laid multiple times before they haul me off. Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers

Music Test

2006-04-26T13:56:00.000-04:00

i think i figured this out on my own. Here is my current fav... lets see if it works. Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry (dirty, don't play it in front of your kiddos) Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers Now i just need a better place to store my music. Anyone have ideas?

Crazy Dork

2006-04-26T13:13:00.000-04:00

So, a few things. First of all, those of you who read Screaming Secrets know that a trip to the funny farm is looming before me. For those who don't... well, now you know too. That's what i get for trusting the damn doctors and talking to them. i don't feel i am in a place where i need to be locked up but who listens to me. i'm only the one involved. i should know by this afternoon what is gonna happen there, and i'll let you guys know one way or the other. Bottomline: This sucks nuts! Secondly, i'm thinking of putting music on my blog. Music is so important to me, defines so much of how i look at myself and soothes me so much that i'd really like to. But, i don't want it to play automatically. Not everyone has the same taste in music that i do, and sometimes you may be sneaking and looking at blogs at work and i don't want to alert anyone's boss by playing something inappropriate at an inopportune time. Anyone have ideas? i'm throwing myself on the mercy of my more savvy readers. Finally, i've turned into an American Idol dork. Its embarrassing. my newest guilty pleasure. i actually vote. my sister and i talk about it. Its getting out of hand. i was actually pissed off when Bucky Covington got voted off. Currently my two favs are Chris and Paris and i worry for Paris because despite her amazing talent she doesn't have a strong fan base. People are idiots. Yeah, yeah, i am too... i'm talking about American Idol. i still haven't gotten laid. my nephew stayed here all last week, the weekend was a mess and Brad is in super brat mode this week. i NEED to get laid, ladies and gentlemen.

Growing Pains

2006-04-20T12:39:00.000-04:00

i have a lot to say, but frankly i don't feel like saying it. In short, things are bumpy. Not between J and me, that's still going along fairly well. But, lots of other shit. And, frankly, i don't feel like dealing with it at the moment. So, here is this quiz i pinched from magdala.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		11
Quality Time:		7
Words of Affirmation:		7
Acts of Service:		5
Receiving Gifts:		0

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Rebuilding

2006-04-17T15:48:00.000-04:00

So... i haven't really posted because we are still ironing things out. We had let things between us become quite a mess and its taking a while to find a place where we are both comfortable. Communication is key in every relationship. In a D/s relationship, it is absolutely impossible to keep things going if you can't communicate. We caused considerable damage to ourselves by not talking about things. For the first time in a long time, i'm completely sure we are going to come out of it okay, but damn this is a lot of work and adjusting. i got another mental health diagnosis since i've been going back to the doctor. A cute little bipolar label to go along with all my others. How nice, huh? i don't even know how many of these damn things i have any more. i just tell people i'm fucking crazy and leave it at that. Fuck it. i'm working hard on many things. i have my surgery consultation for my jaw tomorrow. i'm still a little scared, but the surgery doesn't sound as onerous as i had once feared. i've been going to therapy and physical therapy every week. i'm taking the damn medicine. i'm writing. i'm cleaning my house to the point of squeaking and i'm watching what i eat. i'm sucking cock and taking licks with evilly delicious implements and kneeling a lot. i'm rebuilding my life. Again. And, i don't mind as much as i thought i would. Next sex posted here. Good, bad, or otherwise.

Mending Fences

2006-04-04T17:27:00.000-04:00

It finally came. The talk. First we had a huge fight, because we both had a lot of unresolved hurt and ickyness to deal with. A LOT. But, then we were able to actually talk. Apparently J began to have issues with feeling like my Daddy. He began to think that by being an authority figure for me he was somehow reinforcing my irrational thought patterns that are held over from my childhood and make my life difficult. The trouble came when instead of talking to me, he backed away to think. When i perceived him pulling away, i felt rejected, abandoned and unwanted. Like a broken toy cast to the side. At first i was hurt and i tried everything to win his affection back, but my obvious neediness just scared him more and he backed off further. And, then i got pissed off. Extremely, horribly pissed off. After i have dedicated myself to this man, how dare he abandon me? Thus began the battle. It has finally ended. We've discussed his fears. We've discussed my hurt and fears. We've laid them to rest. We are working out new rules, rituals, and guidelines. As soon as we have things ironed out, i'll post them here. And, i would expect there will be some pretty steamy reestablishing sex. YAY!

Unreasonable?

2006-04-03T01:11:00.000-04:00

Is it unreasonable to ask that he not smack me on the ass or any other such shit until this thing between us is settled? It gives me needs and urges and longings and bitter thoughts about what is not right now. Please, let this end soon.

Broken Symbols

2006-03-31T19:08:00.000-05:00

Since we are working on our relationship, and taking a step back to see what we want and reevaluating and all that jazz, i've taken off my collar and stopped wearing my slave ring. my neck and finger seem so bare. Those lost symbols were only symbols so it shouldn't hurt so bad, but it does. Nothing can remove his initial from my back though. Well, laser surgery, but i'm not quite ready for all that. You see, i can take the symbols off, i can burn his mark off, but i can never change what was and is. And, i am his. Totally, completely, hopelessly. Dammit. Read the fine print on enslavement... it kind of sucks when you are no longer wanted. At least not in the same way. Dammit.

A Lot of Nothing

2006-03-31T00:21:00.000-05:00

Well. i'm working hard on my therapy. i don't know why its so hard,it seems like it should be simple. i go and whine to this person and i don't have to care what they think, i should be relieved. But, i still don't. J and i are at a weird place. We don't know exactly what we are doing. Reinventing our relationship i suppose. Right now we are working on the friend's piece. Its nice. Nothing. Really. But, a lot that doesn't make any sense when i try to write it out.

Alive

2006-03-27T14:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. Everything is all fucked up right now, mostly me. i don't feel like trying to analyze it. Bottom line. i'm still here. Brad recovered from his surgery. Everyone is still alive. More when i pull myself together.

The Good, The Bad, And The Bloody

2006-03-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

So Brad had his oral surgery yesterday. It was a nerve wracking, jaw clenching, terrifying experience. Walking into a room to see your son covered in blood and shrieking like a banshee is not recommended to anyone. Particularly not to the fruitloops out there. But, he came through it fine. He had extractions, caps, crowns, and god knows what else. And, today, he seems fine. In fact, he's been asking to go to school so i called and made arrangements for him to go in late and be able to leave when he is ready. The kid takes after his mother, a little pain is not about to stop him from doing anything he really wants to do. i know its weird, but it makes me proud of him. J says he's just like me, tough as nails and twice as stubborn. i'm not sure if that was a compliment or a complaint, but it is true. i held up fairly well through all of this, i was worried i'd fall apart since i've been on somewhat shaky ground for a while now. The only time i really got flaky was when he was covered in blood and screaming. Its weird, my own blood doesn't bother me in the slightest. Nor does blood in general, like you see someone cut themselves in a store or fall and bust their mouth on the street. But, the blood of my loved ones scares the mortal hell right out of me. Nothing can send me into hysterics quite the way a bad nose bleed from J or Brad does. Kami seems to be the worst, paper cuts on Kami make me feel insane. Nuts huh? The only real bummer i will report right now is that i missed Lady Calliah on her way back home. When she came through on her way down, my family was sick so we didn't meet to protect her family from getting it. On her way back the dates got juggled around and she ended up coming back through while i was at the hospital with Brad. Drat. i'm sure it will happen sometime though. :)

Refocus

2006-03-13T10:44:00.000-05:00

i think too fucking much. i've just figured this out about myself. i think way too much. i overthink every little thing and i drive myself crazy. The reason i really excel when J and i are on solid ground in our D/s roles is because i have more focus to what i think about and my mind doesn't flit around as much and find things with which to sabotage myself. When i am truly devoting myself to J, his happiness, his pleasure, i am at peace. i could sit here and try to figure out if that means that i'm using him, i could try to figure out what that says about me. i'm tempted, that's what my nature wants to do. But, i've been re-tuned, refocused, snapped back to my current reality and out of my old one. Instead i will spend my energy cleaning the house, deciding what he'd find most tasty for dinner, which jeans make my ass look the best, and how i can bring a smile to his face. i think maybe when your situation is intolerable you spend a lot of time trying to think of ways to improve it. i lived like that for so long that it is second nature to me. But, i don't have to live like that anymore. Here is a man offering me peace and happiness. And, he can deliver it. i know he can, i only have to trust him. i only have to obey and think of him. Someone very wise that i admire and trust very much said to me this weekend, "THE PAST IS DONE, GONE, AND OVER. NOW BURY IT." And, it made me realize how i was torturing myself. The people who hurt me are out of my life now. They have been for a long time. The only person hurting me now is me. Let's see what i can accomplish when i stop focusing my energy on making myself miserable and instead focus on creating happiness in my household.

Enough

2006-03-09T22:53:00.000-05:00

You know, i'm sick of my own bullshit. i haven't slept in like three nights, snatches of nightmare infested snoozing doesn't do it. i'm cranky, irritable, insecure, and clingy. i find myself feeling clingy towards my friends, J, my sister, hell even my son. What the fuck? Enough. Convincing myself that my best friends are angry with me, that J is having an affair, that i'm killing my sister, on and on and on. Its fucking ridiculous. What the fuck is wrong with me? i know its irrational. i know its stupid. i feel like shaking myself. But, i can't seem to stop it. my traitorous brain has kicked into high gear and all i seem to accomplish lately is thinking up new ways to fuck up my life. i want to stop it. i really really do. i just don't seem to be able to find a way to do so. i'm becoming a person i really don't like very much. Bitter, angry, clingy, whiney, needy, a fucking drama queen. Enough is enough. Someone slap me please.

More Than i Deserve

2006-03-08T05:04:00.000-05:00

He took me back. He forgave me. i love him so very much. i will make it up to him. Somehow. i'm too exhausted and emotionally wrung out to give you the details right now. But, i begged and he loves me and so he forgave me. i will cherish the man the way he deserves this time around.

i have destroyed my marriage

2006-03-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Last night J said something that hurt me so bad it felt like he had cut my heart out with a knife. It still hurts. It will always hurt. But, he says he didn't mean to hurt me. And, perhaps he didn't. Perhaps, he really believes what he said. Or perhaps i did misunderstand. At any rate, it broke my heart. And, so i became angry. Livid. And, that bucket went traveling down the well into that lake of poisonous hatred i have there, and when it came back up this morning i said the most awful hateful hurtful thing i could have possibly said to him. my pain is no excuse for it. It is inexcusable. He says he is moving in with his mother. i don't blame him. i crossed a line that will almost certainly have no mending. There are things you can say that you cannot take back. i took his trust and turned it on him in the most cruel fashion possible. i do not deserve to take it back.

Always

2006-03-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

i always do my best but my best isn't always good enough.

No Wonder

2006-02-27T11:08:00.000-05:00

i'm sick. Brad's sick. i spilled boiling water on my stomach and i have a wound that is getting infected i think. my jaw is fucked. i have my rag. Damn. No wonder i'm in a shitty mood.

Oh Yeah!

2006-02-17T19:24:00.000-05:00

Whew. i promised a hot sex post, and boy do i ever have one. But, first, let me tell you, i almost got drummed out of the subbie club. Last night we had sex, and i was grouchy and in a bad mood and when J yanked my hair i got PISSED OFF and bit him on the knee. We proceeded to have extremely bad sex and i felt like shit. Boo hoo, horror, despair. But, today... J tied me face down on our new huge four poster bed. My arms together to a cut out in the headboard and an ankle to each post at the foot of the bed. i felt stretched and apprehensive. He strapped the ball gag tight in my mouth and then he got the new flogger firerunner and her Master sent us from bdsm-gear. (NOTE: If you are shopping for a new flogger check these people out. YUMMY! And priced right too!) No build up, no warm up, just extremely hard strokes to my ass and back. All i could do was moan and wiggle and it HURT! But, of course soon i started to get turned on. That was when he got his big evil bag of goodies out and pulled out the vibrator and the way too big butt plug. i winced and whimpered when i realized he had that butt plug. We have had anal sex in a long while or done any other anal play. i knew that was going to hurt like a mad bastard. And i was right. Although he did mercifully lube it extremely well getting it in felt like being cornholed with a corncob left to dry in the sun for a month. In short OUCH. Once the plug was in deep and tight he jammed the vibrator in me to the hilt, the clit massager ramming against my most sensitive flesh so hard i squeaked in a most undignified manner. But, by then i was way beyond caring. The pain was so intense and yummy and wonderful i could only grind my hips even though it shamed me horribly. Then he picked up that wonderful flogger again and laid about two dozen extremely hard strokes on my back, ass, and upper thighs. Heavenly agony. i felt on the verge of orgasm right then. i felt all of my tension of late slip away and i gave myself completely to his will. He asked me questions and although my mind seemed very far away and fuzzy i tried to answer him around the gag in my mouth. "Do you remember now? Huh? Whose are you? Whose?" i did. Eventually he pulled the vibrator from my pussy and the plug from my ass. i felt so empty. But, not for long. He cut my legs free and had me up on my knees, my ass held high in the air. And, then he plunged his thick cock into my ass. White hot fire shot through me. It hurt so bad and i wanted it so much. More, more, i was thrusting back against him, offering myself for greater and deeper penetration. After some time he wiped himself off and fucked my pussy for a while. Long, deep, hard, heavenly strokes that seemed to shatter that wall i'd built up around myself again and again leaving me soft and vulnerable and oh so very fucking hot. Finally he flipped me onto my back and plunged into my ass again. He leaned over and grabbed a couple of clothes pins he had laid on the bed and clipped them on the very tips on my nipples and fresh nerve endings screamed. i could only close my eyes and hang on. i was so into it i was sucking greedily on the ball gag, reveling in being so violated. He rode my ass hard and without mercy. Finally pumping his semen deep inside me as i shrieked into the gag. Then he shoved the vibrator back into my pussy and pulled the pins off my nipples and twisted and squeezed them. my orgasm was so close. i wanted his pain so much. i wanted to be back in that space. i wanted to suffer for him. i wanted it, needed it, had to have it. And, when he finally shoved another dildo into my ass the most intense orgasm raced through me it caused me to buck and arch on the bed. Finally i lay spent and shuddering and he went and got the digital camera. He took a snap of me, making me squirm with humiliation. But, honestly, i kind of liked it too. i wanted to give him anything, everything, all things. Whew. It was fucking hot, boys and girls. F-U-C-K-I-N-G H-O-T! And, i do remember. And, i'm so grateful. i hate when i get stuck in that bitchy, grouchy, pissy, hurt frame of mind. i'm so grateful he helped me out of it and back into this soft, comfortable place of submission where i am so happy. Wanna hear something insane? i can't wait to come down enough to clean his house and wait on him. i'm still shaking and a little out of it, and he doesn't want me doing those things yet. But, i want to. And, i'm glad. YAY!

Happy Blogaversary to ME!

2006-02-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

Well, its that time of year again kiddos. May i present my new blog template for 2006 in celebration of my impending 2 year blogaversary. i know my posting gets sporadic from time to time, but i'm here to stay folks. i'll probably do another of those goofy quizzes and maybe a year in review type thingy. And, you guys should seriously check out the artist who did my new image. She is hella talented. Her link is down there in the credits. Its worth the trip. And, J has promised to fuck me tonight. Update tomorrow.

Couch Potato

2006-02-16T01:56:00.000-05:00

So. i now have: satelite tv, an xbox, a digital camera, a new computer, and money in my bank account. Not a lot, but still. This time last year, we weren't doing that well. And, you know what? Now all i do is waste my fucking time. i haven't been flying, my low carbing has gone to hell in a handbasket, i've not made a blog template in ages, i hardley ever remember to blog, and i just generally suck. Did you see Fight Club? You should. Its making a hell of a lot more sense these days. Of course, i am totally crackers. And, no, i still haven't gotten laid. i'm going to take to grinding up viagra in his food.

The Princess and The Red Tulip

2006-02-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

This is a little story i wrote the other day. Unedited and unpolished. And, no, i'm not going to edit it or polish it. There was once a beautiful princess who had lived five long years. She lived in a castle by the sea. She had games to play and friends who laughed and cake to eat. She was allowed to run and play on her sturdy little legs and when shadows crossed her eyes there was no danger, only clouds. She had a Mama who loved her and a Daddy who doted on her. There was nothing that the king and queen enjoyed more than singing songs with their beautiful princess. Every single night in creation the queen would brush the princess' long hair until it shone and the king would make cheese crackers for them all to share. No one ever fought, no one ever starved, no one ever screamed. Perfect peace and harmony reigned. It rarely rained and when it did there was always a rainbow. Life was perfect, except for the red tulip that grew next to the castle steps. When the princess looked into the tulip she saw another world. A world that was scary and hard and sad. She did not like the tulip and so she pulled it and threw it into the sea. But, the next day, there it was again. Right by the castle steps, as though she had never touched it. The princess was not happy. Nothing like this had ever happened before. She went to her mother and told her about the tulip. She told her that she did not like it and that she wanted it to go away. And, because the queen loved her princess so very much she sent a gardener around to destroy the tulip post haste. But, the next day it was there again. Red and shiny and insolent. Peering into the tulip made the princess's heart hurt. The world it showed was just too horrible to exist. She just had to get rid of that horrible thing. She just had to. So the princess went to the king and told him about the tulip. She begged him to make it go away. And, because the king loved his little princess he went outside himself and plucked the flower. He pulled all of its petals off and had the cook put the stem in the garbage disposal. The princess watched. She knew the king would take care of it. But, the next day, it was by the castle steps. So the princess decided to ignore it. She would pretend that the horrible red tulip didn't exist. And, that was when the tulip started to multiply. Each time the little princess turned her head from the tulip another grew beside it. Within days the sea was almost completely blocked from view by the tulips. And, so the princess gave up. She looked into the depths of the flower. She looked down and saw a scrawny little girl that looked like her in a big hospital bed. The little girl's head was bandaged and the little face was bruised. There was no mommy or daddy by the little girl's bed. She was all alone. The little girl on the bed started to stir and the princess was suddenly terrified. She wanted desperately to throw the tulip down and run away, but somehow she could not. The machines next to the little girl on the bed began to scream and the princess screamed with them. Something was horribly wrong. Some horrible thing was happening to her. She hurt. She hurt all over. And, with a horrible tumble she flopped back on her hospital bed. She jerked and shuddered through the last seizure she would ever have to endure. The nurse pulled the sheet over the little lost face and went to call the police. She had to inform them that the little girl didn't make it. She hoped that they gave her junkie whore mother life in jail and that horrible man. She couldn't think of anything bad enough for him. The nurse never knew the little girl was really a princess.

Supposed To

2006-02-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay, so maybe they should send the men with the butterfly nets after me. Damn, you know, shit happens sometimes. i'm glad i didn't have to make yet another pilgrimage to the funny farm in order to bow down to the gods of intoxication. For the record, those asshole doctors don't know any more than i do. When i go off to the hospital all the do is give me so much medication i don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. You know what? i can do that here, a hell of a lot cheaper. Getting to the point that i have to stay stoned out of my mind all the time is a bummer and its embarrassing, but like everything else, it will eventually go away and things will return to what passes for normal in this house. J and i are having sex more. That helps too. The tighter he controls me the less control old shit has over me. Is that healthy? i have no idea. But, its how it works. i get crazy and he takes care of me. And, when i am strong, i take care of his every whim and desire. Perhaps this is not the way relationships are "supposed" to work. Frankly, i could give a fuck how its supposed to go. This is how it works for us. And, i am so lucky i have this. So i'm sure as hell not complaining. Next hot sex posted here.

And, i'm still WEIRD

2006-02-03T13:27:00.000-05:00

Kitty tagged me for another meme because she is a sadist. i really don't mind doing memes at all, if fact, i often enjoy them. But i hate tagging people and not following the directions kicks my OCD into high gear. i am officially too insane for memes. So i am going to do the meme, and not tag anyone and then obsess. 5 Weird Habits 1) Every time i brush my teeth, i actually have to brush three times. Once with peroxide to loosen plaque, then with toothpaste to freshen my breath, and then again with peroxide to make sure there are no germs left in my mouth. Did you know your mouth is the dirtiest part of you? Ugh. 2) When i am stressed i pull out my own hair. i try to stop it, but i can't. i suddenly find myself holding a clump of hair and my scalp bleeding. One of these days i'm gonna go bald. 3) i sniff myself and my children a lot. i'm obsessed with the idea that one of us might smell bad. i can't stand the thought. If i even think i may smell bad i get in the tub. And, if that doesn't make me feel clean enough, i wipe myself down with rubbing alcohol. 4) i don't much like french kissing. It makes me feel claustrophobic. 5) When no one is around(or they are but i forget about them) i talk to myself in the third person a lot. As in "angel shouldn't have forgotten to wash her husband's jeans. It will serve her right if he beats her ass." There, even more evidence that i am completely insane. Kitty, people are going to send the men with the butterfly nets after me.

Some Kind of Better

2006-02-01T00:38:00.000-05:00

Hmmm. Scratch that. The bank still sucks, the car door still sucks, but things with J are better. A hell of a lot, orgasm and spanked kind of better. Laughing and talking kind of better. i should quit being such a pessimistic alarmist.

Here We Go Again

2006-01-31T08:47:00.000-05:00

Why do things have to be so hard sometimes? Things that should be easy. Like getting a check cashed at the bank. Or shutting your car door. Or nurturing a relationship between two people who love one another very much. They seem like no brainers. And, yet... Yesterday J and i attempted to cash our tax check. Our bank informed us that we couldn't cash it. They would only deposit it into our account and put a hold on the funds for a week. So we can't touch it for a week. All that fucking money in our account and i'm gonna have to borrow money from my sister to get Brad's ensure this week. The mother fuckers. i'm so glad i pay them to guard my own money from me. i mean, obviously we all need banks to charge us fees and withhold our funds. Silly me. Then J and i had this huge, giant fight. He said i was bitchy over the weekend and his aggravation with that was still simmering. When the aggravation of the whole check fiasco came down he unloaded on me. i personally felt he was just taking it out on me. We never really settled anything, but instead just decided to pretend it hadn't happened. We tried to talk but kept running into walls. i don't know. Maybe it is me. i just feel disconnected. There is very little intimacy lately and that is taking its toll. We did have sex last night, although i didn't reach orgasm and as soon as J did he started complaining. In short, it wasn't good. And, we broke our new bed in the process. Now i have to take my niece to the hospital. *sigh* i want to crawl back in my broken bed and sleep for a month or two.

Overworked and Underfucked

2006-01-30T12:18:00.000-05:00

Good grief. Busy, busy, busy. i am overworked and underfucked. i have no new i got laid in a fabulous way stories. When you look at the date of my last post and do the math that's rather depressing. However, i have got lots of other news. We switched bedrooms with Brad, redecorated our new room and today our king sized bed should be delivered. Bottom line, this should mean J and i can sleep together again. Even if Brad gets up in the night to get in bed with us, there should still be room. Finally. i may be out of touch a few days in a few days. We are getting a new computer and switching around phone services and internet providers. Could put me into no communication for a day or two but after that things will be much better. DSL, long distance, and a computer that will actually run poser so i can learn to use the damn thing. Hmph. Everything else is boring everyday stuff. i stabbed myself in the foot with a razor knife because i am a clutzy spaz. The damn thing is sore as hell. my house is a shambles due to redecorating, and Vanessa drank almost a whole quart of moonshine and is now going on two weeks of extreme illness. Why does she do these things? Hopefully J and i will break in our bed tonight and i'll have something interesting to post tomorrow. Its a four poster. Whoo hoo! And, a little silly something, just cause i felt like it:

Okay, So Memes...

2006-01-09T11:33:00.000-05:00

i have two memes for you. Run now, the tagging is about to commence. First, from Lady C: 1. go to your archive 2. find the 23rd post 3. find the 5th sentence 4. post the text of the sentence in a blog entry along with these instructions 5. tag 5 other people... The sentance is... "Not yet." i tag: Lili, firerunner, h8you, nicki, and CJ. Now, from Lili, we have: 7 Things To Do Before I Die: Learn to love myself. Teach Kami to dance. Visit Scotland. Be sure Brad is either able to care for himself or in a place where he is cared for. Make sure J, my children, and my family know i loved them. Write fiction for others to read. Find peace. 7 Things I Can't Do: Sing. At all. Brad covers my mouth up. Whistle. Quit smoking. (i've tried a dozen times!) French braid. Wax my own eyebrows... it just aint pretty. Change my oil. Calligraphy. 7 Things That Attract Me To My Spouse: He loves me, no matter what. The person i am when i am with him. His scent. His sense of humor. He makes me feel safe, loved, and worthy. His ownership of me. His cock. (well, you knew it already :P ) 7 Things I Say Most Often: Well, fuck me running. Brad! Come here! i love you. That sucks! Relax, guy. You won't believe this! Dammit. 7 Books I love: Bag of Bones by Stephen King Outlander by Diana Gabaldon A Time to Kill by John Grisham Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold Where the Heart Is by Billie Letts 7 Movies I Could Watch Again and Again: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut 10 Things I Hate About You Gone With The Wind The Devil's Advocate Almost Famous Kill Bill 7 People to tag: Lady C, magdala, Nikki, GP, kitty, luna, Christina

my Birthday

2006-01-08T13:17:00.000-05:00

So i had a fantastic birthday. J really pulled it off this year. Apparently asking for what you want works better than expecting someone to read your mind. Who would have thought, huh? Anyway, we went out and shopped for new clothes for me. i couldn't find anything i liked, but will try again soon. Then we went out to dinner. Finally we went to the movies. It was too crowded so i asked J if we could just go home and watch something, so we went and bought The Upside of Anger, War of the Worlds and Ring Two. But, then he remembered he had forgotten to give his mother Brad's medicine so he had to take it to her. Before he left he made me strip and tied me to the bed. He put the phone within reaching distance and turned on some music then left to take Brad's medicine up. Being left tied like that is a fantasy i've held for a while, so i became extremely turned on laying there, unable to do anything but await his return. After a while i heard something in the kitchen and felt a little afraid. Its gotten very cold here and sometimes mice get in our house during the winter and we have to put out traps. i was straining to hear when i sensed someone standing behind me. Gasping i squirmed so i could see and J was there, watching me. i was so relieved to see him i laughed and he came to kiss me. We got our gas bill this week and its 319.18! So i have become the thermostat nazi. i had turned the heat down to 65 while we were out and although i turned it back up to 70 as soon as we got in the house, it was cold. So J had thoughtfully covered me up with a comforter while he was gone. But, now he ripped it off and plunged his hand between my legs to find me dripping wet. He rubbed my sex for a bit making me moan and roll my hips before he went back to the kitchen and made himself a drink. He came back and sat beside me on the bed and watching me squirm with frustrated lust. The chill on my hard nipples turned me on, the tight binds on my wrists turned me on, him sitting on the side of the bed smirking at my frustration turned me on. In short, i was literally dizzy with lust. Finally he used his fingers to bring me to my first orgasm of the evening. Then he tried to give me a drink but poured it into my mouth too fast and it ran down and dripped all over me. Icy cold pop trickled down my side and i squealed and laughed. He laughed to and went to the bathroom and got me a towel. He wiped me off and we laughed together a few minutes, then he laughed at me trying to scoot out of the pop while tied to the bed. And, that was when he started pulling out the implements. He got both cats, the broken crop that's now more like a cane, and the paddle. We've never done much impact play on my breasts and i had no idea how much it hurt! He started with the long flogger and got my belly, my tits, my thighs. It was incredibly intense and i was caught off guard. i lost control of myself and screamed a couple of times, thrashing in my binds. He used the crop on my breasts and it landed square across my nipples several times, leaving me breathless. Before he was done i had taken 29 licks with the paddle on my ass, and i have no idea how many with the other implements all over my body. Then he used the vibrator to make me cum several times. It was all very hot and decadent and yummy. Then we had cake, played cards and watched That 70's Show and South Park. It was a great day.

Vanessa And Other Good News

2006-01-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

Five years ago, i loved my sister but i wouldn't have given you 50 cents for her. She was a lying, stealing, violent, crack addicted user who mistreated her children that i happen to love very very much. This pissed me off so much that i actually kicked Vanessa's ass a couple of times, over her girls. i thought i could never respect this woman again. That i would love her, but never like her. i realized this morning, sitting her spotless kitchen drinking coffee, Vanessa is a damn miracle. She kicked all of her bad habits, got a new man she has never once cheated on (not that i cared that she cheated on her husband before, but it did make her feel even worse about herself), apologized to her children and made amends... actually ACCEPTING responsibility for what she did to them which is so rare, stopped self medicating and learned to deal with her shit. She left a man she loved with all of her heart because she knew she could never get clean with him. Don't think i'm trying to say she's perfect. She's not. Who the hell wants perfect? She reads her bible with a joint in her hand, spikes her Christmas candy with liquor and weed, and her keychain has a little dick on it. i think that's way better than perfect. my sister is the strongest woman that i know. i am so proud of her. i admire her more than i can say. A woman on the other side of hell, walking tall, holding her own, and doing it her own way. She'll never see this, but here is my tribute to my best friend. my sister, Vanessa. Now. On to me. i got laid. Twice. YAY ME! The first time was when Brad was at his respite care workers. J got me on the bed and we just cuddled a while, which is soooo nice. Then he took my clothes off and began rubbing my clit in that deliciously awful way. Instantly i was hot... and when he let me get between his legs and rub my face on his cock i felt my sex throb. He wouldn't let me suck it right away though. He made me beg first. i pleaded with him, "Please, please let me taste your cock. i want it in my throat so bad." He laughed and smacked me in the face with it a few times before he finally relented and let me suck its delicious satin deep into my throat. Sighing with pleasure i used my tongue to worship him. Letting it run up and down and over and under before i began to slurp in earnest. When he buried his hand in my hair and held me down on him, his cock deep in my throat i felt i'd burst with sexual desire. Then he pushed me down on the bed and slid into my slippery wet pussy in one hard thrust. Then he was still, demanding my service and i rocked my hips sliding him deep in to bang my cervix on every stroke. Finally he grabbed my ankles and held them against the headboard while he drove into me so deep i was screaming as i came over and over. As he came deep in me, i clenched my muscles over and over and enjoyed the shudder he gave. MMMM. God, whew, yeah, it was good. The second time, he had gone to bed and i was online working on some design stuff, when he came and said, "I didn't get to fuck you doggystyle before. Get on the bed." So i did. And, he did. The cobwebs are GONE. YAY

A GODDAMN GODDESS

2006-01-04T11:20:00.000-05:00

So, the closer we get to my birthday, the more i freak out. i DO NOT want to turn 29. i feel like i'm about ready to be put out to pasture. This is some sort of stupid mental block i have. i know plenty of women in their 40s and 50s i find incredibly hot and sexy. The last woman i had in my bed was 36 and she was steaming hot. i do not feel this way about other women, but for myself... Oh fuck it. Anyway, i have decided that instead of my normal approach of whining, crying, and having a nervous breakdown, i am GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. No, i can't change my age, but i CAN change how i feel about it. So this year, i am going to work on all the things that make me feel bad about myself. i am going to look forward to my 30th birthday, because after a year of hard work i am going to be a goddamn goddess. Watch and see.

A New Approach

2006-01-02T00:06:00.000-05:00

So... every year, J blows my birthday. i am big on birthdays. Very very big on birthdays. i think i've mentioned in the past that birthdays were one thing my mother really excelled at. So... for me they are the ultimate day. Sort of a holiday you don't have to share with anyone else. Total decadence, and all about you. J's family SUCKS at birthdays. These days i call his dumb ass parents and REMIND them, hey, you idiots, its your son's birthday, call him. i, of course, make a huge deal of his birthday and spoil him rotten, but he has never quite been able to pull off a good birthday for me. Namely, he usually forgets. So... this year, i tried something different. Today i sat down with him and told him how important this whole thing is to me. And, i made requests. i'd like a gift. Even if its something extremely small like burned cd or something. Just a gift. And, i'd like a birthday spanking. And, sex. Perhaps this will work better than hoping for the best and then being upset when it doesn't come off. And, i cannot remember the details of our hot sex yesterday. i do know that we sent Brad to J's mom's for two hours. During that time i was whipped with the belt, fucked with said belt wrapped around my neck (no, not choking me, we aren't insane) and i came oodles of times. Then i got another spanking and more sex just before i left to go pick up Brad. i should have posted this while i had the details in my mind, but i've been so busy. J's feeling lousy so i don't know when i'll get any more. But, i hope its soon. i need to work on finding that soft submissive place where i am so content. Its been eluding me for a while, but i've glimpsed it again lately. So... perhaps...

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! So... looking back, 2005 was the year of pissing and moaning. However, i did a LOT of self analysis. So... i think i learned a lot about myself and the world around me. It was a good year for inspection and introspection. So, for 2006, let's try to put some of what i learned to good use! (hot sex post later, either today or tomorrow.)

Who Am i Kidding?

2005-12-30T18:02:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah right. So, yeah, i'm bitching and whinning again. Its my journal, what the hell did you expect. i am not mad, i'm sad, and frustrated and lonely and at a loss for what to do. You cannot make someone want you. You cannot make more hours in the day. You can't make it a priority for another person. i try to find other things to be interested in. i try to satisfy my need for social interaction with online friends (no not sex, just company) and i try to concentrate hard enough on not having physical needs that they will go away. (That actually worked for a bit and scared the hell out of me.) And, you know what? Its just not cutting it.

Declarations

2005-12-30T16:55:00.000-05:00

So, it didn't last. i am off my rag and back in heat. Apparently it was a transient thing. So was J's interest. i've still not got it. i am reaching a level of absolute aggravation that is frightening. ONCE EVERY 6 WEEKS IS JUST NOT GOING TO FUCKING CUT IT!

In Case You Are Interested...

2005-12-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

i think i have cobwebs on my pussy. Yes, i'm becoming interested in sex again. Just not bad sex.

Meandering Thoughts

2005-12-27T14:21:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Nuala i found this poster today. It made me laugh. It is so true. i do not handle intense pressure well. The fucked up thing is, i don't handle complete freedom well either. i need to feel held, not squeezed. Vanessa is sick, and that's a bummer, i was counting on going to her house this week as a distraction for Brad. He gets pissy when he gets bored and i have a feeling being out of school all this week, he will get bored. i'll have to figure out another option. Speaking of Brad he is being very good *knock wood* lately. Other than the whole potty thing, which i can't really fuss about too much, since its a huge major change for him, and i'm sure the process is extremely stressful for him too. Let's hope this lasts a while. J and i had a fun evening yesterday. His mom kept Brad for about two hours and we played cards. Nothing exciting, but we don't just hang out together very often. Its like remembering why we liked each other enough to start this whole relationship in the first place. Its too easy to loose track of that in the hussle and bussle of life. We take one another for granted to often, and we must learn to appreciate what we have. So... we are going to try to put some more communication tools in our relationship toolbox. Anyone have ideas?

Whooo Hooo!

2005-12-26T21:12:00.000-05:00

Hot damn, i made it through another year. Today i took down my Christmas tree, boxed up all that Christmas shit and got it the fuck out of my house. i survived another Christmas and i don't have to fool with it again for another whole year. Yeah, yeah, i know, i am scrooge. Everyone has faults, hating Christmas with a passion is one of mine. i totally went insane for a day or two right around Christmas Eve, i laughed and cried at the same time until my sister had to smack me. But, hey, what the fuck, we already knew i was nuts. i'm feeling better now, all hail the peace pipe and massive quantities of valuim. my kiddo is out of school until January 3, so i'm sure those things will continue to come in handy. J is obviously making a SERIOUS effort to be more supportive and around more. i'm not holding my breath, but it looks good. The fact of the matter is, we have been together 14 years. There is going to be a little bit of fade, i suppose. Especially when we are both so stressed and busy. He works 12 hours most days, and almost never gets any time off. Brad runs me ragged, and i drive myself insane all the time. We are lucky we haven't killed each other, much less the distance there is between us. i still feel zero sexual desire which is bothersome and scary to me even while it is a relief. So now of course, J wants it all the time. i suppose we always want what we can't have. Oh don't get me wrong, i'd still let him, but, that isn't what he wants. Right now i have my rag, so it isn't an issue, and for a real change, i'm glad. i don't know what will happen when i stop bleeding, and frankly i'm scared to find out. The whole thing is fucked up and weird. Sex has always been such a huge part of my life. Although i don't miss being frustrated all the time, i'm having a huge identity crisis. If i'm not angel, sex crazed super slut... who am i? For someone not horny i sure am stuck on sex, huh? i just kind of feel like part of me has been amputated and i'm mourning it. Perhaps it will come back. Perhaps it won't. Either way has advantages and disadvantages. Oh fuck it, enough. i got a digital camera for Christmas, but i had to take it back because i screwed up the money. It was kind of sad, but, you know, things happen. i did however get a good look at my tattoos for the first time ever. i wonder what happened to that girl who got them. i remember what she was thinking, i remember who she was, but i can't seem to find her these days. These days i'm more interested in potty training, laundry, and PTA meetings. Geez... someone just shoot me before i buy a minivan...

Walmart and Everything Else

2005-12-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

So, i fucking hate Wal-Mart. The bitches. Today was the day you had to pick up your Wal-Mart layaway by. However it has snowed and iced and just generally been so nasty that the area i live in is pretty much shut down. Since i had heard about the impending storm yesterday, i called Wal-Mart last night to ask if i could get a one day extension in the case of bad snow. They pretty much told me to go fuck myself. So, last night at around 2 i had to go to Walmart before the snow started. The dirty dirty bastards. i got a digital camera for Christmas from J. i've used up my batteries already and i've come to the conclusion i need recharable batteries and a memory card. Gifts i will probably buy myself. i still need to buy more things for my children, i have to buy for both of Marcie's boys, and Polly Pedicure's boys as well. Then one or two other stray people. Damn, Christmas is a pain in the ass. And, yes i know that's awful. And, no i don't care. J is driving me nuts playing his computer game. i had intended to get him another for Christmas but now i am having second thoughts. i can barely get him to come eat dinner, much less give me sex as often as i would like. That is actually starting to become easier. i think years of rejection are starting to take a toll on my sex drive. i find myself becoming more and more ambivalent about sex. Yes, i'd like it... but i can live with out it. Sometimes i fear that soon i won't even want it anymore. *sigh* What can i do though? And, hell, maybe it will be peaceful.

Finally

2005-12-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

i got laid. Actually, i got ravished and brutalized. Yummy. Last night J came home and i was in the bath. By the time i finished up he was playing his game. i retired to the living room and tried to find something to watch on tv. But, there was nothing. After a few minutes he joined me and we flipped through the channels. "See what's on the porn channels." i turned to those and we watched two girls eating one another and using an enormous glass dildo on each other. After a few minutes he sent me to get the vibrator. A few minutes after that he sent me to the bedroom. And, for a long time he used the vibrator on me. It took me a long time to reach orgasm, but when i finally did it was extremely intense. Then J lay on his back beside me and i cuddled close and stroked his cock. When it was hard he jerked me to his crotch by my hair and hissed at me to suck his cock. i did so gratefully. i delighted in the feel of his length deep in my throat, his scent, the soft satiny texture of his flesh against my stroking tongue. All to soon he growled at me and shoved me on the bed on my back. He nipped at my breast with his teeth as he forced his cock deep inside me in one thrust. Its been a while and the sharp thrust hurt, delightfully so. Soon he was fucking me viciously hard, and i was thrusting my hips back against him. Oh i've missed it. The smell of my arousal, the wet smacking sounds of our joining, the brutal shoving thrusting and painful ripping sensation. Heaven. Eventually he turned me onto my knees and i held my ass high, giving him easy access to my throbbing pussy. He became increasingly violent, finally bringing one leg up and entering me crooked, stretching my pussy in an awkward and agonizing angle. Burying his hand in my hair he held my upper body up and pounded me so hard i could only whimper and moan and finally plead. Finally he pulled his cock out and stroked until his cum was all over my back and ass. He wiped his hand off on my face and dropped me back to the pillows in a cum soaked mess. Afterwards we cuddled a while. Damn... i've missed that.

Just Different

2005-12-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

Everything is just different. Its not what it used to be, it never will or can be. But, it is still something pretty damn fine. For the last week J has fucked me every day (except the notable exception below.) The physical connection is fantastic, but beyond that we are laughing together again. We come together everyday for at least a while and actually enjoy one another. i feel so much bitterness and hurt slipping from me. i begin to remember that feeling of utter peace and security i once felt with him. Actually not so long ago. i don't seem to be able to accomplish anything right now though. my house is messy, my nieces have run me ragged and i still haven't taken Marcie to see Harry Potter 4. i want to design a new look for this blog, to celebrate a renewal that is occurring between J and myself, but dammit, i cannot get that done either. And, i still haven't found both the time and guts to blog a hot and juicy scene. And, so all those wonderful memories will escape me eventually and it is sad. Dammit. i am battling nutsiness right now, which is circling me in the form of a particularly evil flashback. i am reluctant to take it to Screaming Secrets because i don't want to deal with it. Sometimes i get tired of dealing with it. i just want it to go the fuck away. Brad's potty training is still dragging on. Potty hell. It seems it will never end and i am trapped in the house until it does. i cannot very well take Brad out to piss and shit all over everything, can i? It is starting to drive me rather nuts.

Proud me

2005-11-30T00:30:00.000-05:00

So this is the nicest holiday i have had in a long time. J and i spent tons of time together. We didn't do a lot the first couple of days, just hanging out, and being together. Then we finally got around to the discussion of how much i missed D/s and turned out he missed it too. We are reconnecting on many many levels. We hit our first major hurdle last night. i went to bed, but i had a bad dream and so i got up and went back into the living room with J. He was watching porn. He ended up jacking off into my mouth. Now, this should be fine right? *sigh* Beware, you are now entering angel is an insecure nutcase zone. So, all day i had been trying to tempt J into sex. But, he wasn't having it, he didn't feel good. Then he jacks off to porn and uses me as a cum receptacle. i was hurt. i was completely positive that he didn't want to have sex with me because i am repulsive. i have major issues surrounding sex and the fact that i'm getting older and i'm no longer all that special appearance wise. On one hand its nice because most guys don't notice me, which makes me feel safe. On the other hand... J doesn't notice me like he did back when i turned heads either. And, that makes me feel sick. Blah blah blah, bottom line, i felt rejected, unwanted and disgusting. i cried myself to sleep. This morning, we have the dreaded discussion about this. i didn't want to talk about it. But, J was convinced this was the kind of thing that drove a wedge between us before and he wanted to resolve it. i gave in finally with very bad grace. The end result of this conversation was that J thinks i have become too proud. i'm more concerned with appearances and my pride than i am with his pleasure and my own. (i should have mentioned that after he jerked off last night, he wanted to make me cum, but i was too humiliated and upset and wouldn't let him touch me.) He said that for my sanity and his he thought it was time to begin working on the balance of power in this household. This was followed up by an extremely painful and embarrassing session with the vibrator. my clit is horribly sore. i guess we'll see where this goes. The complaint proud sounds ominous.

Rededicated

2005-11-23T13:03:00.000-05:00

i don't know what to say. J and i have had a hard time. For a long time. i think that's been fairly apparent in my blog. No sex, bitching, whining, and endless thoughts of escape. In the end, we contemplated divorce, but shelved it in favor of a good honest try with both of us putting forth our very best effort. And, we are both working hard to overcome our obstacles. Its difficult because i never realized how many barriers we have to being together. We do not sleep in the same bed, we often don't eat meals together, in order for us to do anything we have to go alone and individually so one is left behind to care for Brad. And, for the most part, sex has to be planned out days in advance. The good news is, this new effort is working to some extent. Its not perfect, things are still difficult, but we are both finding ways to come together. If i take J's turns to work with the home program lady, so he can work on his car, there is more time for us to be together. J sometimes goes to bed later so we can be together. We are making an effort to insist on eating at the table instead of in front of the tv or in shifts. The hardest thing is that right now, there is not much D/s left in our relationship. We had to spend some time getting to know one another again on a vanilla level before we can work on the more complex dynamics of D/s. i am mourning it. i feel incomplete. As though a part of me has been amputated. And, i never realized how much that affected my feelings of safety and security. i feel very frightened and alone. The slave ring is still on my finger, the J around my neck, and inked into my back... but none of that means anything if the man doesn't want me anymore. i feel rather discarded, but i'm trying not to let myself dwell on that. These other pieces need mending first. i need to start using this blog again. As i once did. As a place to sort out my thoughts and feelings and reactions. When J had questions he could refer to the blog... but also... it helped me to find ways to talk to him. J and i have been through hell together. We are not going to let our relationship fall apart now. If we do... neither of us have another soul on this planet who truly loves us. We have always been one another's everything, in part because we had to be. i will not see things fall apart. So long as he is here beside me willing to work, that's what we will do.

Whining Basically

2005-11-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

Another two weeks of this shit and i'll be a virgin again. The word frustrated doesn't even begin to cover it. What the fuck is going on here? i cannot get laid to save my ass, and forget getting whacked. Its downright depressing. Brad is still not picking up potty training as well as i would like. At this point i think its mostly that he is really sick. Its hard to get a kid to sit on the potty all the time when he feels like shit. my poor little guy. i don't know what i'm doing, where i'm going, or what's going on. i'm drifting around clueless trying not to be depressed and more or less failing. Something has got to give or i'm going to live in a wind swept cave in Tibet. With a vibrator.

Anniversaries, Hell, and News

2005-11-07T20:37:00.000-05:00

Today marked 14 years i have known J. We met on a Thursday night. i snuck out of my house to meet him, and i didn't want to go. It was a blind date fixed up by mutual friends too young to drive. J did drive and so was desperately wanted to go so this couple could be together, and J didn't want to be a third wheel, and that is where i entered the picture. We hit it off almost immediately. Sometimes i just cannot believe that it all started with a date i didn't even want to go on. i'm glad i did. In other news. We are trapped in potty training HELL. We have taken Brad's diapers except to sleep. i am floating in piss and trying to avoid shit. i've gone through one bottle of disinfectant since Saturday. God help me. Brad is tired and miserable and sick of being followed around constantly. He is getting it though. Slowly and painfully, but i think it will be done. i pray so, it will open so many more doors for him. Jenny's baby fell and hit his little head on the coffee table and had to get five stitches. She is beside herself. Iris and her man are reaching critical mass in the baby war. And, finally, i've decided to say fuck the censors, and tell about the next thing time we are intimate. i'll just back up my blog.

i Hate Censoring Bastards

2005-11-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

So, a lot has happened. i obviously am NOT doing better about posting. Bad bad bad angel. First of all, i ran into JC the other day. He has had a baby! This made my day. His joy in his tiny daughter made me so happy. i can only wish the very best for JC and i absolutely loved seeing him so over the moon with happiness. Brad got sick. He's still being a little bit of a fussy asshole, but he is feeling better. We are working so hard on his toilet training. Tomorrow we are going to try to take away his diapers. i am predicting a mess and a fit and me pulling out at least three handfulls of hair. i got laid today. i was going to give you the juicy details but i'm worried about being charged with obscenity. The censoring bastards. i'll just say J hasn't lost his touch. Finally, GP and i have an arguement going. He insists that my Lou Bega Mambo #5 cd is the most embarrassing. i think his Bryan Adams and Ace of Base has that beat all to hell and back. Twice. What do you guys think? Who is right here?

Lady C's Latest Meme

2005-11-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

i got tagged for this by Lady C. 1. Were you named after anyone? Yes, a character in Gone With The Wind 2. When did you last cry? Today 3. What is your favorite lunch meat? Ham 4. What is your most embarrassing CD? GP would tell you it is Lou Bega- Mambo #5 5. Where is your second home? The river, where sometimes for a little while, i find peace. 6. Do you trust others too easily? LMAO, ummm yes, obviously. 7. What was your favorite toy as a child? my strawberry shortcake slide projector 8. Would you bungee jump? No way 9. Do you think that you are strong? i can be when i have to be. 10. What are your favorite colors? orange, blue, and burgandy 11. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? my knack for fucking up most everything i touch 12. Who do you miss most? deceased? my mother. Living? Iris 13. What was the last thing you ate? an apple 14. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Orange 15. What is the weather like right now? about 55 and clear 16. Last person you talked to on the phone? my friend Kerri 17. Do you wear contacts? Yes 18. Last Movie You Watched? Constantine 19. Favorite Day of the Year? i don't know. Everything is always sporadic here. Halloween is my fav holidayish thing probably 20. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation? i'd like to go to scotland, but i know damn well i never will 21. Favorite Smells? J, black cherry candles, obsession perfume, baby shampoo, 22. What’s the furthest you’ve been away from home? The very bottom of South Carolina Whose next? Hmmm, Nikki, nicki and kitty. Please ladies?

Found

2005-10-27T09:40:00.000-04:00

i've been rather lost lately. Unsure what i was doing, drifting around and unable to complete anything. But, i'm getting back on track. Last night i managed to sleep at night for the first time in ages. my happy pills helped in part, but also sheer exhaustion. It wasn't the greatest night's sleep i've ever had, i was up about every hour, but i DID sleep and damn i needed it! J and i have had rather steamy sex a couple of times lately and i have a nice purple and blue bruise from the paddle. i promise to tell you guys all about the next time, but i've lost the details of the previous times. i usually blog almost immediately after a scene, but lately we've had so much to do, i've jumped up almost immediately afterwards and ran around somewhere. Not conducive to telling you folks about it. We are working very hard on Brad's potty training right now. It is a pain in the ass, but i feel it will ultimately be one of the best things i have ever done for him. i carried the bugger around in my stomach, puking and nearly dying for 9 months. i can do this too. Just expect to hear some bitching when we pitch his diapers and my life consists of cleaning up piss and shit and all the time. It'll be worth it if it works, but that doesn't mean i won't get sick of it and bitch and raise hell to you guys. MUH HA HA HA! Kami is coming today. We are going to get her Halloween costume (she is going to be a princess... AGAIN) and then carve her pumpkin. She is such a wonderful kid, i am so proud of her. Sometimes when i look at my babies i feel my heart will explode with love for them. Other times i think my head will explode, lol. i promise to get my act together on updating. Once a week is not cutting it. i have way more to say than that. So expect to hear from me more often. And, not all of it pissing and moaning, hehe.

i Want...

2005-10-17T13:07:00.000-04:00

...touch. Fingers circled around my throat, teeth clamped on my nipple, hand burried in my hair to pull my head back and look into my eyes. ...pain. The kiss of the whip that makes me cry out and writhe. The crop singing its melody of anguish on my ass and thighs. The inescapable firey fury of the paddle. ...cock. The satiny skin of J's cock exposed to my tongue's worship. The burning ripping joy of it being thrust into my dry resisting pussy. The splitting agony of being taken anally. ...J. i want to be held as his good girl, beaten as his bitch, used as his whore, and loved as his complete partner. i want to feel him grind me into nothingness and hold me close and tight and make me everything. i want to see myself reflected in his eyes as the most beautiful special being he has ever known. i want to be dragged down and crawl as an objectified cunt he can replace. i want it all. i want J in all of his multisided glory. Soon. (my spell check doesn't seem to be working... fuck it.)

i'm a happy bunny...

2005-10-13T03:09:00.000-04:00

you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla And, no... i still haven't gotten laid. For fuck's sake.

Random Stuff

2005-10-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

So, its been way too long. Kidney stones, computer foul ups, insanity have reigned supreme. But, i won the war and here i am. HA! Tomorrow is Iris's 24th birthday. i cannot believe my neice is getting so grown up. i gave her 20 bucks to buy tools for her new job. Usually she gets junk. i am very proud of her. Vanessa had her wedding thing. It went well, although Iris and Vanessa nearly drove me completely INSANE. Well, insaner. Oh hush. Being trapped with two bi polars under intense pressure is just too much for anyone to put up with. Thank goodness for mary jane is all i can say. i have not gotten laid in a while and i am consequently grumpy. Brad's respite workers all suck. And we are working on potty training him which is a massive pain in the ass. More when something interesting happens or something strikes me to blog about.

Life Goes On

2005-09-26T23:01:00.000-04:00

So... i finally got better from that cobblamogus i had. Then i got a kidney stone, which i finally passed last night. Not fun, let me tell you. Brad is driving me nuts. He has been in hella brat mode for a while now. i have no idea what is going on with him. Maybe his teeth hurt? i don't know. Bottomline, he's driving me fucking nuts. i got totally off track with flying and low carbing. i'm working on getting back on track now. Tomorrow i will be flying from 12-2 and i'm hoping some of the other flybabies will be around too. Its hard to get yourself picked back up, but i simply must do so. i feel like my control of my life has just fallen completely apart. Brad and J deserve better. Kami deserves better. And, dammit, i deserve better. So that's it and that's all. i'm reeling this in before it gets any worse. Vanessa is having her commitment ceremony this weekend and i am officiating. That should be interesting. It will be hard to resist the temptation not to add vows that Polly Pedicure will quit being such a complete prick. HEHE. At any rate, life goes on at casa J and angel.

A New J

2005-09-21T20:04:00.000-04:00

i've been having an very hard time lately and so J has been keeping me on an extremely short leash. It feels good. Its been a long time since i have been this firmly under his thumb. He's different. i can't completely explain it, but he's different. Not in a bad way. Not necessarily in a good way either. Just different. It's odd. We've been messing around so much with so many other things and not turned towards each other for so long... J has evolved (as we all naturally do) and i missed it. So i am getting to know this new incarnation of my husband and master. This man has no issue with being cruel. He has no issue with being kind. He has a level of confidence i've never known J to possess. He is more self reliant. The worry about his enjoyment in subjugating the love of his life has disappeared, and he has fully accepted my need for subjugation. In some ways i always felt that i was dragging him towards D/s. i always felt that he could take it or leave it and we lived this way because it worked best for me. That feeling is gone. i feel like a kite now. i can soar high on my submission and slavery because i know he has a firm hand on the string. In the past i was always a little frightened to truly let go because i was always afraid he would let me go and i would be alone and crashing. That happened once and it took me a long time to recover from it. But, this new J is so... there. i know he isn't going anywhere. Its a comfort. This man can handle me. i know he can. All of my craziness and faults and flaws. He sees them. This man misses nothing. But, he has accepted them as part of me, and he has taken me for his. There is no more need for me to worry or second guess that. i am me. Imperfect, flawed, screwed up. But, he has taken me in all my faulty glory and has tucked me under his wing. i am his. And, i am free to be that person, because he chose me. Just as i am. You know... maybe i'm not as screwed up as i thought i was. i must be doing something right. And, btw... i have bruises again. Oh how i've missed that.

Another Rambling Self Analysis

2005-09-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

So. J did rip and tear and leave me aching. So i can think again, somewhat more clearly. i feel like i am on the verge of some sort of major breakthrough. Long discussion with GP has made me realize that i probably won't be able to get all the way to the goal on reasoning alone. In the end, there is a leap of faith involved, and i don't know if i'm at that point yet. But lets look at the pieces of logic i'm struggling with anyway, shall we? The first is my periodic panic that J doesn't love me, can't love me, is about to leave, blah blah blah. i don't believe that this is actually caused by any difference in J or his feelings for me. i believe that i have always equated love with pain and sacrifice and suffering on my part. Not on any conscious level, but down deep where it really counts. And, when a long time goes by without any of that... i start to feel that he cannot love me. And, the panic sets in. Some time back i talked about how i objectify myself during sex. i don't think i truly grasped this even then, but it was progress. i think, for my whole life, i have objectified myself, period. If i am not actively doing something to make others love me, they cannot. J is where this is the hardest, because his love is the most important to me, but i see this in lesser degrees in every single one of my relationships. my overwhelming need to be pleasing and useful. Being pleasing and useful isn't a bad thing. Its a part of who i am, and i have no desire to change that entirely. Feeling unworthy and unloveable if i cannot find a use for myself has to go though. Not sure how to do it... but this is something i have struggled with my entire life without even knowing what the problem was. Now that i do, finally, perhaps i can find ways to change it. Second is my constant fear and worry that i am somehow hurting the people i love just by loving them. Or at least by letting them love me. First of all, before you start howling about how ridiculous this is, hear me out. i have a lot of demons and they often splash onto my loved ones. For example, i scream the whole household awake at least once a month. That has to get old. But, the thing is... i think everyone has baggage. You cannot make it through this crazy dance called life without it. Maybe my luggage is a little more cumbersome than most folks... but, i'm not sure that makes me unworthy of love. Honestly, i think that what has always made me feel like that is that i continue to see myself in this objectified negative way. Actually, i think there really is no need to go on any farther with these points of logic. Because it all comes down to that at some point. In the end, all roads lead to that. i have to find the one that leads away from it. i have to find a way to stop seeing myself as a bad girl, a cunt, a whore unworthy of love or friendship. It not only makes me crazy... it makes everyone around me crazy. So i have to cut it out. But, how?

Collision Course

2005-09-19T14:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes i feel like i am falling apart. Everything is so fucked up right now. And, i've come to a conclusion about myself i don't like much. i need J to rip me and tear me and leave me aching and bloody... because to me that is love. The reason i can't handle it when he is too busy or tired to get up to anything rough... is that it feels to me i have lost his love. And, so i've realized... i am dragging the greatest man i have ever known down into the dirt with me. And, i am ashamed to say... i don't think i will stop. i love him and i'm selfish. i cannot let him go. He says he doesn't want to go. i hope that's true. i can't bear to face the world without him. Or without the glorious pain he gives me. The agony that makes me feel safe and loved for a time.

Oh For Fuck's Sake

2005-09-16T22:30:00.000-04:00

So, i'm still sick. Sick as a damn dog. Now, J is sick too and Brad is sniffling. Fuck me til i cry. J and i had an extremely emotional evening yesterday which was sort of left unfinished due to us both being just to sick to continue. So we should have finished it up tonight, right? No. Brad was a total hell child today to the point i am considering calling an adoption agency (just kidding... i think) and J fell asleep before Brad did. Oh Gee, thanks for the help J. So, at any rate, now here i sit coughing up a lung and drowning in snot and i have no closure. i don't know whats going on between J and me, or what i'm going to do with the wonder brat. i'm exhausted, disgusted, and fed up. Will there never be time for us to work on US dammit??? i love my son with all my heart but i miss J. There is no fucking sense in this. We can't get a single fucking hour alone together. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Yeah... go look up the divorce rate of parents of disabled children. *sigh* Sometimes i think we are fucked.

A Few Major Updates

2005-09-15T09:28:00.000-04:00

So, its been a while. Where to start. Brad's teeth. Its as good a place as any. Brad needs oral surgery which will involve the extraction of at least four teeth, crowning four teeth, and doing god knows what with two more. He will be put to sleep for about 4 hours for the surgery. Just the dentist's part is over 3000 and J and i have to come up with our part of that before the surgery is done. Roughly 900 bucks. Yeah, ouch. The dentist says Brad is probably in a great deal of pain and has been for a while. i feel like shit. What kind of mother am i? i should have taken him to the dentist a long time ago. *sigh* Then there is Franklin, my oldest nephew. He went to court for the resisting arrest and domestic assault and battery and all that. He was given 90 days suspended but the case is continued for a year. In a years time he must either be enrolled in college classes full time or have held a full time job for 6 months or he will be given that 90 days. This is actually a wonderful thing and i hope it motivates him to get off his ass and do something with his life. He breaks my heart wasting his potential the way he does. On to Jenny, my youngest niece. On the Friday night of the Labor Day weekend i got a call about 5 am from Jenny. i had to go get her from the hospital. Jenny and her boyfriend had been upstairs at another apartment partying. Her son had gone to spend the weekend with his paternal grandparents. So, eventually Jenny gets tired and tells her boyfriend goodnight and goes downstairs and goes to bed. The next thing she knows her boyfriend is cutting a rope off her neck and she is hung from the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. At this point it is still unclear whether Jenny hung herself and doesn't remember it, or if she was drugged and someone else did it. We are still waiting on toxology reports. At this point we are sort of operating under the assumption that she did it... because frankly there is no treatment for someone who was nearly murdered. i guess we will see. Either way... its not good. Well, i was going to write some more, but my medicine just flew all over my ass and i have to lay down a bit. More updates soon.

New Home

2005-09-13T21:08:00.000-04:00

So, here i am in my new home. No harm, no foul, i have my voice back. There is a lot to say, but frankly i have a cold and i feel like shit and my rag is killing me this month. Expect long rambling posts soon, but for now... i'm just glad to have my new place put together.

Feeling Alive

2005-08-30T22:33:00.000-04:00

i was feeling bad today, caught up in old shit and just depressed. So J and i were laying in bed cuddling and when he was unable to cheer me up he told me to get him the whip. Our new whip is a little smaller stiffer and more knotted than the old one. In other words, i'm not handling it well yet. But, this time was different. The strokes couldn't come hard enough or fast enough for me. i felt so depressed and isolated. i was desperate to feel something. Anything. i lay still so that J wouldn't get the impression he was hurting me too much. i wanted more. But, he misinterpreted my calm demeanor for lack of interest and had me put the whip away. i tried to explain what was going on with me to him. That i just felt numb and so far within myself that even the pain wasn't reaching me. So he got the paddle out that time. That is my least favorite implement. i have the hardest time handling it. It seems silly. Surely the crop that has broken the skin, the whip that has left nasty looking scrape type things that look like fingernail gashes... surely those should be worse. But, for me they aren't. Hands down, i hate that fucking paddle. But, soon enough i felt it. And, soon after that i felt alive again. Now he is gone to work and the effects are starting to wear off. Even my love and dedication to Brad doesn't pull me out of it when i'm like this. It takes a strong hand. So i'm counting the hours till J returns.

Slippery Slope

2005-08-28T22:32:00.000-04:00

J and i were starting to slip into that place where we take one another for granted. Then we had an emotional evening on Thursday that left me rather weak and defenseless and him feeling overprotective. Although it was a nasty night, i'm glad we had it, because things are now much better between us. Our sex life is usually a good indicator of the health of our relationship at any given time. If we aren't making time to fuck, there is something wrong. But, that is much better. i'm pretty much fucked raw and happily anticipating more tonight. Brad's home program has started. i'm absolutely AMAZED by the stuff he can do. Using his PECs book, pouring his own pop, cleaning up after himself. YAY Brad! He is also very happy now that he is back in school and much easier to manage. my poor baby was just bored and lonely i think. i hate that i'm not getting here to blog more often. But, honestly, its because i am feeling very strange. i can't seem to express how i feel. Disconnected and shut down mainly, and because i cannot find the words to say how i feel, i don't write. But, this has gone on long enough. i love this blog and i will not see it stagnate. So here i am. i don't know what's going on with me. i only know i mostly feel frustrated and on edge. my heart is always quick to jump into my throat and i look over my shoulder searching for an unseen threat. There is never anything there. But, i hear danger. i hear it in the gathering silence. i've not yet slid over the edge. But, i haven't managed to drag myself as far back from it as i would like either. Working on it. Working hard.

Bitches Win

2005-08-24T22:31:00.000-04:00

So, they will not budge. They won't cover the extra hours this month, and they waited too late for me to appeal their decision. Coincidence? i think not. It is pouring here. Fuck everything. i'm sliding over the edge.

The Drought Ends

2005-08-19T22:31:00.000-04:00

Friday, August 19, 2005 So, i got laid. And, it was fantastic. Things are total chaos here, and i don't really have time this second to post properly. But, i'm sick of looking at that bad sex post... so here is something else for now. i got laid, and i came. A lot. WHOO HOO

Bad Sex

2005-08-13T22:31:00.000-04:00

So, its inevitable. Every so often, everyone has sex that's just not good. i think what went wrong was that i had given up on the idea of sex before J showed any interest. i was embarrassed and i just wanted to get away from him. In the end i was on the bed on my knees sobbing as he pounded me doggy style, completely unaware that these tears were any different from the ones i often cry when its intense. Sounds hot, but it wasn't. And, now i have my rag. Dammit. You know, he used to would fuck me when i had my period, but stopped like last year. i don't know why. i just know i have a long week of no sex coming up. Double dammit.

The Art of Seduction

2005-08-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

my sex is throbbing. i am so horribly frustrated i could just scream. i NEED some. i tried to get J to fuck me today, but he wouldn't because the guy was here painting the house. i promised to be quiet and he laughed at me. i guess i'm not very good at being quiet. Tonight i intend to have the house sparkling clean, dinner ready, and to be wearing the sexiest lingerie i own. Usually i can't take the shame of throwing myself at him. But, this calls for desperate measures. i intend to throw myself as hard as i can. Wish me luck.

Weirdo? me?

2005-08-08T22:30:00.000-04:00

So the lovely magdala has tagged me to list 5 idiosyncrasies. Its hard to narrow it down to five, but here ya go. 1) i am a smoker who HATES cigarette smoke. Nothing drives me crazier than to be trapped in the car with some idiot smoking with the windows up. i also either smoke outside or spray the house constantly with a deodorizer. Smoke sucks. 2) i eat my meals one food at a time. All of my meat, then all of one veggie, then all of the other. i don't like things to touch on my plate either. 3) i am not scared of bees which will hurt you, but i'm terrified of bugs like roaches that won't. i know, i know. 4) When i am sick at the stomach i crave liquor. Makes no sense what so ever. But, it always seems like it would make me feel better. Trust me, it doesn't. 5) i like to paint my fingernails, but i hate to wear nail polish. After about five minutes my fingers feel funny and i have to take it off. So there. i'm a total weirdo. i tag: Lady Calliah Nikki mija kitty and Lili (Since i always leave you out of these things, honey. Plus i think yours would be interesting.)

Pulling myself Together

2005-08-04T22:30:00.000-04:00

So, i am up very early for me. i am sitting here with my cup of coffee and my cigarette, and i'm so much calmer. Things are still a mess, but i have decided that loosing my mind is not going to help. Now, don't get me wrong, i always KNOW that loosing my mind isn't going to help, but i can't seem to stop myself. Not this time. This time there will be no cutting, no trips to the funny farm, no going off the deep end. i have worked too damn hard to have some peace and serenity in my life, and i am not going to loose it. i refuse to let my life keep cycling down the drain. No more cheating on my diet, (i had beer and deep fried food, dammit) no more anxiety attacks, and no more puking. i'm not exactly sure how i'm going to pull this off. By actually talking to my friends (thanks GT, Lady C, GP, Nikki, Lili, you guys know who you are) and using the skills i have learned during my countless hospitalizations. By blogging. By hanging on to those routines. By continuing my diet and fitness regimen so that i feel good in my body. By not giving up. i will whether this storm. And, the ones that come afterwards. i don't know why i get so many curveballs. But, focusing on that doesn't help a fucking thing. In poker you can win with a shitty hand if you know what you are doing. And, dammit, i am learning what i am doing. And, i AM GOING TO BE OKAY. The situation with Brad still isn't resolved. But, we are working towards a resolution. Franklin is in jail, and probably is going to have to sit there until his court date in September. But, you know, he did that to himself. He is not a victim, and i don't think bailing his ass out is doing him any favors. i might try hard to do it, if the circumstances were different, but as things stand... i think its time he learned his actions have a consequence. i cannot save the world. i also have a bit of a situation with Kami. Its hard, but i will get that resolved too. There is no stopping me. i am going to improve my life. FUCK YOU FATE. i don't care what you have in store for me. i will handle it. i will not become one of those people who get shaken off the mortal coil by continuous drama. Fuck the drama. In the end, i'll still be standing. Just as i am now. i may get unsteady, i may fall on my ass time to time. But, i'll always get back up. i'll always keep fighting. And, i won't ever give up and roll over. So fuck you fate, and your shitty cards. i'll just learn to play a different game.

Bitches 54, angel 0

2005-08-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

So fuck. The meeting was today. And, in the end, they wouldn't make a decision yet. They said, wait until we have complete information. So they said they'd get back to me in two days. Yeah right. i bet its at least a week. We are going to end up having to go to court over this. The worthless asswipes. i don't know what's going to happen. The guy didn't show up to buy our car either. Money i was planning on using to pay our respite care worker this month. In short, i'm fucked. So Trina came over and i drank a few beers. Still felt crazy so i took a couple of valium. Fuck it. Everything still sucks, at the moment, i just am not hysterical. To hell with everything.

Breaking in the Commitment

2005-07-31T22:29:00.000-04:00

So, to both of us, this new mark is a huge commitment and final surrender on my part. i will wear J's mark until i die. For me it is a turn on. He says its not for him, but the most complete ownership. i had a kind of lousy day, i don't know why, i just did. And, although i wanted J, i just couldn't get in the mood tonight. But, he didn't let that stop us. He made our dinner, (have i ever mentioned what a good cook J is? Truly scrumptious) then took me to bed. He cuddled with me a little while, and then suddenly flipped me on my stomach. He brought his face close to his mark then shoved fingers roughly into my cunt and his thumb into my ass. It was horribly painful because i was tense and unready. i whimpered beneath him as he ground his fingers into my most sensitive spots. He brought his other hand up and jerked my head up by my hair. "You are mine. MINE. I'm going to use you. You are going to take my cock in your cunt, and my seed in your face. Aren't you?" i gasped that i was, still squirming under the pressure in my hair and the pain in my holes. Suddenly he jerked away, and i dropped to the pillows in relief for a second before noticing him on his knees next to me, brandishing his rock hard cock. "Suck it whore. Service my cock." i turned and took him into my throat with enthusiasm. No matter what, i always love to suck J. i cupped his balls gently in my hand and worked my mouth and throat up and down his shaft. my tongue lovingly caressed him as i took him as deep as possible. Then he was pumping his hips, fucking my throat. Soon enough he wanted to fuck. He pushed me away from his cock and grabbed my leg, dragging me into position. He shoved into me rough and i cried out. my pussy just wasn't cooperating and i wasn't moist enough, and i was extra tight with tension. He rode me several long minutes then pulled off. He pushed on my arm and i moved out of his way. He flopped onto his back and i automatically went to his cock. Ready to suck again. i slurped him into my throat tasting my own juices on him. i sucked him deep into my throat and bobbed up and down, licking and sluping to give him the maximum amount of pleasure. Much too soon, he was dragging me away. "Ride me." i climbed on him and took his length deep in me. First i tried to ride him in the way that gets me hot. But, i quickly saw it was no good, i just wasn't going to be able to cum. So i switched to the stroke that he likes the best. He closed his eyes in pleasure, and the look on his face made me warm with happiness. i whispered that i couldn't, and he said it was okay. Then he put his hands on my hips to still me. "I want to look at it while I fuck you." So i got on my knees and held my ass high in the air. He plunged into me and rode me hard, drawing cries of pain from me. Then he was still, silently demanding service. So i pumped my hips and drug my tight pussy up and down the length of his cock. Faster and faster, harder and harder, grimacing with the pain. Eventually his fingers dug into my hips and he was thrusting against me. Meeting my every stroke with his own. He reached up and jerked my head back with my hair again. "MINE. You are MINE." And, although i was in a great deal of discomfort, it warmed me. i felt his ownership. i felt the security of being completely his. i redoubled my efforts to please him. After a long while he climbed off me. He put me back on my back and pulled my ankles far up over his shoulders. Then he made me slide him into me. Soon he was pounding me furiously. He made me grab my ankles and hold them. i could only cry out and whimper. Now longer in a world where a thing like sound mattered. Finally he pumped his seed deep deep inside and continued to make small thrusts as he rode his intense orgasm to its completion. Afterwards i was a bit skittish for a few minutes. As i often get when the sex is very painful and i don't get off. Then he simply held me. Telling me he loved me and that my mouth tasted sweet. Finally i relaxed against him and drifted on the cloud of happiness i had found. He went and started his bathwater and got the vibrator. i balked a bit and he ordered me to open my legs in his most stern voice. All will to resist fled and i gave in. Then he used the vibrator to make me cum. Hard. Now he is taking his bath. And, i am writing this. Then i suppose we will go to bed. Both knowing. i am completely his.

Marked

2005-07-30T22:28:00.000-04:00

i got my tat. Brad's respite care worker took a picture and is supposed to send it to me. When i get it, i'll ask J if i can post it here. It was a great experience. The artist i chose was very nice and worked patiently. He answered all my questions and concerns and made small talk, which put me at ease. Baring most of my fat ass was hard, but he handled it in such a manner that i couldn't stay embarrassed. The studio was very nice and professional. And, my tat turned out GREAT! i am proud to wear it. Proud to have such a beautiful expression of my commitment to J, and his ownership of me. This is my fifth tattoo, and my favorite. i love it more than all the others combined. The only bad thing about the whole experience was it made me want J so bad, and we couldn't have sex. It didn't hurt much, just enough to make me feel a tingle between my thighs. But, when i looked over at J, waiting for the man to finish, and thought of what was being inked onto my back, i felt my cunt clench. i spent the rest of the day sexually frustrated. And, i still am. We've had no time alone together. And i want J!

A Licking Epiphany

2005-07-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was our 8th wedding anniversary. We are flat broke so we didn't go out or anything. We are having our official celebration on Saturday. But, we did send Brad with his respite worker for some alone time. i asked for a big scene, but didn't really get it. What i got instead was oral sex. my regular readers know i have extreme issues with oral sex. So much so, i was not going to post this at all. Not sucking cock, i love that. But, being licked is hard for me. It just feels wrong to me. We'll come back to my issues around oral sex in a minute. Once a year, at least, J makes me submit to a licking. On our anniversary. He likes to give me pleasure that way. But, its so hard for me. i loved it while he was doing it. His beard was whiskery on my sensitive skin, and left me raw. He is really quite good at it, and i came hard. Then me did it again, but with his fingers in my ass. Before he was done i actually reached down, grabbed his head and pulled it closer to my cunt. And then i had an earth shattering orgasm. And, then, immediately, the guilt, and disgust, and self-loathing, and shame set in. And, i sobbed. "i'm sorry, baby, i'm so sorry." And, i know i should shut up. But i couldn't help it, the words kept pouring out of my mouth. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i was still aroused and after J finally gave up on calming me down with words, he began to fuck me. i came again at least twice, but couldn't stop the tears. Finally he shuddered as i milked his orgasm from him. His cum calmed me a tiny bit, but i still couldn't help saying i was sorry one more time. He took me in his arms and held me close. "Baby, this is about us. No one but us. I don't care what they taught you, I like to do it. I like you to cum. I like you to like it." And, i was still thinking about this when we went into the bathroom. i snuck in and stole his bathwater first, and he sat on the toilet talking to me while i bathed. And, that was when i had my epiphany. i've always felt that sex is one thing i do well at. But, i am not really having sex. i kind of think of myself as a masturbatory device for my partner. Men, women, everyone i've ever slept with, i've been interested only in their feelings, their pleasure, their orgasm. i cannot take pleasure for myself. Pleasure that is a bi-product of my partner's pleasure is okay. But, when i try to have something for myself... like oral sex... i just freak out. i don't know what this means. i'm still processing it. But, i do know that its an ugly thought to have about yourself. Am i nothing more than a very sophisticated blow up doll? Who wants to fuck that? But, the thought of seeing things for myself still makes me feel ill. So i am at an impasse. J says he likes me fine as i am. But... i am not so sure. i mean... is he really going to say, its like fucking a whore? *sigh* i'm going to leave it for now... but don't be surprised if i come back to this later.

The shark, J vs the killer bees, and other cool stuff

2005-07-25T22:28:00.000-04:00

So. Dance with me. The bitches have asked for another meeting to discuss the respite. Already. my lawyer is FANTABULOUS. We met her today. Not only is she doing the case pro bono (thank GOODNESS) she has struck fear into the hearts of my tormentors. The bitches. YAY YAY YAY. We are a long way from out of the woods. But, i think i see some light. J and i are painting the house. And, its time now to divulge J's big fear. Bees. The man is terrified of bees. So today he got into a bunch of them. At one time i looked up and there were three bees swarming around me. The little fuckers must sense fear because not a single one bothered me. Finally he killed one, smacking it down with his paint brush and finally stomping it to death. i didn't laugh, but it was a near thing. i designed this yesterday with the help of my friend, GT. She was very helpful, and after several drafts i arrived at exactly what i wanted. i have contacted an artist whose portfolio i browsed and sent him the design. We will speak more tomorrow, but i think he's gonna do it for me Friday. i'm excited about it. i've wanted J's mark for so long. i am not the least bit afraid of the commitment, and excited he has finally given me his permission. YAY. All in all, the word for the day is YAY!

Bitching and a Plea for Help

2005-07-23T22:27:00.000-04:00

So, once again Brad's respite hours have been cut. This is enough to drive you crazy and since i'm already there, its just not good. Care to know what happened this time? We don't have call waiting. Can you believe that? His hours were cut because we are difficult to reach by phone. First of all... if they want to pay for call waiting for me, that'd be great. Secondly, how is it helpful to Beau to punish us all for being poor? These fuckers. We got a lawyer. We got a parent advocate. We have one pissed off mom and dad. Let's see what happens now. Things should get interesting. So long as i don't choke the fuck out of any of these bitches. i'm already worried J will get arrested for curse and abuse. On another note, any kink aware professional tattoo artists in Virginia? That's what i'm getting for my anniversary, which is Tuesday. Either my screwed up tat fixed, or the J i've always wanted in the small of my back. YAY. If you know any body, please let me know. The guy who screwed my last one up is not doing it, and the guy who did the rest of mine retired. i need HELP!

Happy Endings

2005-07-22T22:31:00.000-04:00

So... today was a rough day. Marcie showed up and got me out of bed before the alarm went off. Then i absolutely busted ass on my house. It looks great again though. i broke the back lid of my toilet and cut my hand trying to pick up the pieces. But, at least the damn thing is clean and shiny. Brad went back to school and was so happy to go. And, he lost his first tooth today. my baby boy is growing up. He was so good this evening. He likes being back in school. J and i went to the city i weigh in to see about getting J a smaller truck that would be easier on gas. It didn't work out to both of our great disappointment. Then we realized we had forgotten the money here at home we needed to pay off our loan. It had to be paid today or we would incur a hefty interest charge so we had to drive all the way back home and get it and then go back up. But, J decided to spoil me and i got 4 new bras and a new outfit for the concert we are going to on the 31st. i like them all a lot. This is the most bras i have ever owned at one time in my entire life. i'm loving it. But, the night was the best part. i noticed J watching porn as i tried to get caught up on my online obligations. i went to investigate and ended up on my knees sucking his cock. He drug me to the bed and pounded me unmercifully making me cum 8 or 9 times in the process. Oh god. That man is hopelessly delicious.

Lucky Break

2005-07-19T22:27:00.000-04:00

i am dancing. i got some!! This morning, J used me. No whipping, but FANTASTIC sex. And it took him forever to cum. Yummy. So... i should be happily posting away a scene soon. He said i would get one soon.